I just don’t want sex anymore - Am I normal?

[fluffymummykins]

I’ve been with my OH for 10 years and have 3 children. For the first 2 years we were like rabbits. Now, I’m just not interested. He’s always tired or stressed and goes to bed really late. I’m either tired or worried the kids will walk in/wake up. Sex is predictable and boring. I have tried to spice things up but again, we make the same excuses. I feel like it’s my fault and often I’ll have sex just so he doesn’t feel rejected. It’s been months since I’ve had an orgasm with him. If I reject him, he says my excuses are BS and that I don’t love/fancy him. I do love him and find him attractive.

Don’t get me wrong, I fantasise and daydream about hot sex, but it’s not with him. I’m only early 30’s, please tell me this is normal?

Women get bored far quicker than men. Yes, it's really really common. Ester Perel has written and vlogged about it, and how to deal with it and rekindle your libido without changing your lover for a new one. You could both have a look at some of her stuff maybe?

How old are the dc?

Does your dh share the load at home, and does he make you feel good generally, or is everything a slog and he just expects to hop on at night without much ceremony?

And why would you be particularly interested in sex if there's not much pleasure in it for you?

Are you feeling good in yourself? Self-esteem is linked to how you view sex and your relationship. Has your DH been making sure you're satisfied or has he become a bit lazy with sex? They're all solvable things, but can get worse if left to fester and resentment sets in. Communication is the key to a great sex life. When you discuss it with DH think about your tone and how you say things, as if he feels it's accusatory he may get his back up and communication will shut down. Open ended questions like "so how do you feel we could improve things?" will lead on to further discussions and hopefully things improve!

@category12
They are between 5 and 12. He does some of the cooking and school runs.

@mumofboystimesthree I feel fat, but I’m not. But that’s just the ravages of childbirth lol! I feel like I’m always in the wrong and our relationship has had difficulties for quite some time. I always feel like he compares our relationship to how it was at the start, when we had time to ourselves. Now I work ft, then when I’m not at work I’m with the kids. The eldest is my step-child but I treat and love them as my own. I’ve raised it with him, how I’m feeling but he doesn’t understand.

I’ve raised it with him, how I’m feeling but he doesn’t understand.

He has to be rather stupid to not get that there’s a huge difference in circumstances between now and when you first got together. And unfortunately for him, stupidity is not an attractive trait.

Your relationship is rocky and he blames you for everything, you do the vast majority of childcare and housework, plus working full-time, plus you get no orgasms - there's really zero mystery why you have no sexual interest.

Do you still fancy him though? When you say you feel everything is your fault, does he make you feel shit? Is he mean? Are there other forms of affection?

It’s a tricky one because I’ve got 3 kids between the same age range and it’s really hard making time to do it as we both work 2 jobs. But we are affectionate, a kiss here, a pinch there and that keeps us going for 2/3 weeks.

If there’s no affection or love, then you’re not going to want sex. And if he’s mean and blaming you, I don’t blame you for not wanting to.

I used to love sex. A lot. And the past 5 years... not much really.
I don’t know if it is me, my DH, having children...

Actually I would happily not have it again ever!

I'm no expert in what is normal in long term relationships, but does he make any effort to come to bed earlier or does he stay up really late then expect sex when you are half asleep and totally knackered?
Maybe you could go to bed together earlier and then if he wants to get up and stay up later afterwards, he can?
It sounds like there are other issues getting to you bout the relationship and if there is that level of frustration and resentment, then you won't feel like it. Seduction begins in the morning, when he makes you coffee and then does little things during the day to help you and little touches to remind you that he is attracted to you and is waiting for the chance to have you to himself. He can't just rock up after being disconnected all day and wonder why you aren't in the mood.

I love my dh very much, he’s a great husband and father but I really cba with sex anymore. I don’t think it’s that unusual from conversations I’ve had with friends.

I think women go through so much more when they've had kids. It's not just the prego and labour changes. It's becoming a MUM. You're no longer just a sexy wife. Your brain is running on constant and someone's always after your time / emotions / body for something. You don't get much chance to feel good for yourself. I am very much the same and I'm late 20's. I just tell myself I've had years living for me and him and this is a new chapter where sex isn't the biggest part of our relationship right now. But it's still a part of it, just don't put pressure on yourself to do it. Take advantage of those times you DO feel sexy (daydreaming about others or not) and initiate it then. It might start slow but the feelings you've already got will boost your libido and you'll enjoy being with him again.

Sex is never just about sex. It’s an indicator of the state of the whole relationship. It doesn’t happen in isolation- we are not machines that can just press a button and “perform” - we need to feel a sense of connection, of being desired and valued and loved, of our needs and wishes being respected.
I would put a complete ban on penetrative sex for say two weeks. During that time, focus on each other’s pleasure in every other way. Take turns to massage each other, without touching the genitals, find out what sort of touch and pressure you each prefer. Give each other hugs when passing in the hall, pop a kiss on your partner’s cheek while watching tv. Re-establish the love and intimacy, without any pressure to “perform” sex.
Paradoxically, being forbidden to have sex for a fortnight will help to increase your desire for it, and the reawakening of sensual pleasure in each other with massage etc will reconnect you.
Give it a try, OP! You have nothing to lose, and it will be a good chance to educate your DH on the sort of foreplay and touching that works for you.

Women get bored far quicker than men @DeathByBoredom

Based on what research? Surely that's an individual thing?

I agree sex is the litmus paper of the relationship as a whole.

@mumofboystimesthree When you discuss it with DH think about your tone and how you say things, as if he feels it's accusatory he may get his back up and communication will shut down.

Excuse me, he is the one calling her reasons for not having sex bullshit, why the hell should she be careful about her tone when spoken to like that? Especially as it doesn't appear that HE makes an effort to make sure she is enjoying herself.

@goldpartyhat and also anyone else whose opinion is that sex is the litmus test of relationships
Go read/watch some Esther Perel eg mating in captivity
See what you think of her ideas

@differentnameforthis my point was getting argumentative or blaming someone for something in a relationship gets you nowhere. Even if he's at fault, going in all guns blazing and starting an argument is going to make the situation worse.
Clearly you need some help with this too👌

Thanks everyone. I’ve suggested going to bed early but he complains that he wants to relax and unwind first. He does try to please me but I just can’t be bothered, and it’s always the same. I’ve made a few suggestions of stuff I’d like to try but he doesn’t actually act on it, which makes me feel guilty for suggesting it as he clearly isn’t interested by it. We argue a lot and he expects me to forget about them and just jump into bed. I need wooing first lol

I can take it or leave it. It's pretty normal after a while and guys just think a boner in the back is foreplay, hop on for a couple minutes and that's it.
How is anyone supposed to be excited by that?

@DeathByBoredom. One person’s book/ideas is not research (sigh)

How couples relate to one another sexually is a good indicator of the rest of the marriage. Not in every single case, but as a broad generalisation. I don’t think that’s rocket science.

Lol
I can't be arsed looking it up for you. It's not a seminar and I'm not an undergrad.
However I will recommend another book for you that includes a lot of research and is also hilarious, the main reason I am recommending it. Also the author has a very cool name
Dr Wednesday Martin
Untrue: why nearly everything we believe about women and lust and infidelity is ..

It isn't so helpful to the ops problem. Esther Perel is more of a believer in rekindling lost lust in marriages and long term relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I fantasise and daydream about hot sex, but it’s not with him. I’m only early 30’s, please tell me this is normal?

At least you fantasize OP! The only thing I go to bed/wake up excited about it what I'm going to cook the next day. 32 if you were wondering!

Man here and in a similar position - I'm just not as interested as I once was and have a similar experience to OP.

Like OP, have suggested things to spice it up and keep it different but she never takes me up on it. Can't be bothered anymore.

Talk us through your routine.

Mine is boring and predictable we are having issues at husband is an alcoholic and is pissing me of at mo.
Kids go bed 9pm (hopefully) 5 and 10 I'm.30 hes 35.
Watch tv then around 11 or 12 maybe 1 I'll go upstairs and put suspenders and stockings on make sure full face make up then come down watch tv and their u go into it. Predictable and boring and no just hot passionate unpredictable it's always as well on sofa never upstairs been together 12 years and can say we haven't done it of the bed more than 5 times