Friend ignored me for 3 months then gets in touch

[Charliehasagoldenticket]

Friends since high school - I moved back to my hometown about 18 months ago where she still lives.

I’ve got my suspicions she MAY be in an emotionally controlling relationship but no proof. Only from observations I have made of his behaviour and inadvertent comments she made. Nothing significant, it’s all very subtle so could be my imagination. She’s been with him for many years, no kids.

Although she lives a mere 20 mins drive from me, I have not seen this friend in over a year. The first 6 months after I moved back we’re fine - monthly meet ups. Then it suddenly stopped. This is not through lack of trying on my part. I am rejected at every turn although she continues to text and ask how I am regularly but there’s no conversation or substance really

In January I’d had enough of it and sent her a very measured text saying I really valued our friendship but was confused that in a whole year she never seemed to want to meet up? I put it’d be great to catch up in person rather than just by texts etc.

Zero response - completely blanked. 3 months pass with no communication and today she sent me a Happy Easter text. Nothing else, just that.

I’m unsure how to proceed. Clearly she is reaching out but I can’t help but think she’s just so rude ignoring my last message and going silent for the following months. My gut feeling is that she thought if she went long enough she could message me and I’d have forgotten about my unanswered question, and had no intention of acknowledging it now.

What would you do? I feel at this stage the friendship has waned but it’s a shame to lose a “friend” over 15 years. It could just be her being a shitty friend so where do you draw the line between your own self worth and respect and keeping a friendship?

Just to add, I felt really let down and I valued when I got no response to that text. Anything would be better than nothing but I felt like she just didn’t care about what I was saying.

I would ignore her text and move on.

Was the text directed to you or could it have been a blanket text to all contacts?

Sorry this has happened. Must be confusing and just rubbish.

You have known your friend a long time OP. You suspect she is in an abusive relationship. In lockdown.

What do you think is happening?
What would it cost you to send a text?

What would you do?

Just leave it. Wouldn't bother replying myself. Yes life is too short to lose a friend but life is also too short to put up with people who don't have time for you or blow hot and cold, ignore you for months then reach out when it suits them.

I'm too old to play games back and forth. I see no point in acknowledging it based on what you have posted.

What are your suspicions she’s in a controlling relationship? Either she’s a shit friend or the reason is the relationship

I am like a dog with a bone so I would have replied with, oh didn't expect to hear from you again after our last conversation.. I asked you why we never meetuo anymore, and you never replied???

Then again I believe in being open about things that bother you. Worse case she doesn't answer again, so u can just delete and move on, or she will reply with an excplanation or excuse, which u can then accept or not.

If you don't feel brave enough for this, then just txt back thanks and happy Easter to you too. (as someone suggested she may be reaching out due to abusive relationship and it's a msg to teatt the waters if u will still have her, or if she is just mass texting everyone, u aren't stopping to her level by ignoring a msg)

Yes, thanks and Happy Easter is non committal but will allow her to contact you I'd she is being abused.

I certainly wouldn't be making any more moves myself to pursue it though. The ball is in her court now.

I have a friend who does the same. Will go months without contact then send me a a text. I'll reply and then I won't hear back for months. Usually I'll reply to her, but mentally I've crossed her off my friend list and I'm no longer interested in pursuing meeting up with her any longer.

As pp have said, I would send her a pretty non-committal Happy Easter message back and see if / how she responds. It might be that she is trying to reach out, or that she just sent the message to everyone in a contacts list, or maybe she is embarrassed about her behaviour and is trying to gloss over it.

However, while, as you say, it's a shame to lose a friend of over 15 years, I think you have to also accept that life is long and people will come and go in our lives. I've spent the past 6 months trying to keep a friendship going with someone I've known for about 8 years and thought I was really good friends with. In the end, and I know this might be a weird analogy, it felt like the friendship was a dying animal that just needed putting out of its misery. Sometimes you just have to accept that you and a friend are no longer right for each other and let it go.

Thank you everyone. After I posted last night I did wonder if it could be a text to all her contacts but she has such an old phone (think Nokia with snake) that I’m not sure she’d be able to do it on that.

Really appreciate your advice - was expecting to get flamed a bit after mentioning her relationship.

For those of you who have asked about that, as I say it’s very subtle. He seems quite possessive to me with no life of his own - his whole world is her. Last time I was at their house I was only there for 5 mins (pre-arranged) for her to sign some paperwork for me and he was almost trying to back me out of the house but subtly. He kept moving forwards - being pleasant on the surface and chatting - to the point where he was backing me out. She had to “wait for the right moment” to ask him about going to a fireworks display with me, even though he hates fireworks. He had a row with her elderly dad with dementia because she took him to the citizens advice and left him at home. You get the idea - but these are all far apart and subtle.

Could he be monitoring her texts?
Can you contact her another way, just to check she's all right? Sounds worrying to me.

^today she sent me a Happy Easter text. Nothing else, just that.

I’m unsure how to proceed. Clearly she is reaching out but I can’t help but think she’s just so rude ignoring my last message and going silent for the following months^

I had a friend (ex partner) who didn't speak to me for months and then text 'Happy Christmas.' It didn't mean much when it came to his feelings about me as a person, he sends this to virtually everyone in his contacts. I completely lost it with him as I had sent him several messages months previously that he hadn't bothered to reply to. I felt like saying to him 'You can't just drop people then pick them up again, you know that.' People know this is not ok.

I got rid of a few newish friends that don't reply. Older ones I tolerate it from maybe, but it is disrespectful.

Those things aren’t subtle, Charlie. I think she needs help. I bet the only reason she hasn’t seen you is because she’s not allowed to

Even the few examples you give of her relationship show she must be treading on eggshells the whole time & perhaps he does look at her phone and maybe disapproves of friendship with you. I would stay supportive and reply. If things start getting tricky again you can tell her why and bow out, but given the context I personally would give it another go.

I’m a little bit with Kitty, it could be that her OH is controlling her contact with people, knowing what he is like with her I would try a bit harder, Maybe forget phone contact and could you go round, when allowed out, and try and get her on her own when he’s not there?
I’m all for not accepting bad behaviour from friends and I’ve removed them from my life for that, but reading your post, if it were me, I’d dig a little deeper first
Good luck

Given what you said about her partner I would reply with the same ‘Happy Easter’ perhaps with a 😊.

If she looking for a window to chat she will, if not, nothing lost really!

I have a friend like this. We go back years. In my case though its basically a friendship that would have died of natural causes, but its limping on cos of two things; technology and mutual friends.

It's hard to lose touch with people now so we are forced into this cycle of infrequent "hows it going" messages where we dont really care what the answer is. Also our mutual friend sometimes organises get togethers so we see each other but wouldnt have organised it by ourselves.

It's weird cos theres been no big falling out. In my case I feel that although she is perfectly nice we don't have much in common anymore so it feels quite strained.

It's only been three months. She may be in an unhealthy relationship. I think you're creating drama where it doesn't need to be.

Yes, I did think those things but too there was another occasion where she’d been invited to a hen-do and it seemed like she was making excuses not to go to herself but then said her bf had told her she should go to support her friend, so I’m so confused! This went completely against my previous opinion of him.

This is why I’m struggling between is she a shit friend or being controlled.

I've seen a few posts on fb saying if youre in en abusive relationship and need me to alert the authorities then massage me asking for makeup. Could you do that? Does she still have fb?

She could have been maiing excuses because she was scared of the fall out at home, despite him giving her 'permission'. It would prob be used against her.

I'm confused. She's sent a text saying happy Easter. Send one back saying happy Easter. How lovely to hear from you. Challenging times these aren't they
If you fancy a chat give me a ring.

The examples you give are not subtle at all!

What happened during the 18m you were away? Did you keep in touch?

I would not say that any of the examples you give are minor or subtle, especially as anything observable by an outsider is almost certainly the tip of the iceberg.

You know your friend. Follow your instinct.

However I would say don’t pursue her for a response to your question . At worst that could put her at risk. If she is in an abusive relationship she won’t open up until she is ready and pressurising won’t help.

Maybe she is having MH difficulties. I tend to go to earth when things are hard and feel paralysed in making contact with people. Maybe she is like that.

Just keep sending short friendly texts, with not much content, to let her know you are there.

If she is in an abusive or controlling relationship it will be her lifeline. If she is just moving in from the friendship you are no worse than you are now, a quick text every 10 days like a lighthouse sending out a beam costs you nothing, and even if the friendship ends up going nowhere you won’t be left with a haunting “If only I had...”.