Anyone the bitch???

[Johnskymberlina]

Hi all,

So really going to try and keep this as clear as possible but also short.

My dad was abusive mentally and physically, not with my sister though just me. If you've heard it, I've been called it. Hit, spat at, dragged round places with anything he can get hold of - arms, legs, hair. I don't want to play a victim but just how that's given me a complex a little. Nothing sexual or neglect though. Things are awkward and I am conscious of him when he's around my children.

I'm outspoken and opinionated and when it comes to my children I'm ruthless if anyone crosses a line they know about it. Controlling or protective?? I'm not sure. Examples, pulling my dad up when he went to hit my son. Anyone doing that will feel my wrath I don't care who they are. Dad or not.

Anyway...

As a wife I try my best. I did work as a childminder but with covid etc I've had to close. So at the minute I'm home with the kids. My son (2 and a half) and twin girls (6 months). Things aren't always clean, the dishwasher can pile up and bottles sometimes are sterilised all at once. Hubby doesn't give me grief but I can tell he isn't exactly happy that I'm at home when he's at work. He works shifts, 2 days, 2 nights and 4 days off.

As a mother I try my best (again!) education is very important in our house so we go with what my son is interested in and role with it. I'm laid back but ruthless when needed, as what I said above.

However, to neighbours, family etc I'm the bitch is the relationship and people 'feel' for hubby. Don't know if it's always in jest though. Next door said yesterday she listens to us when she knows what we are talking about we think no ones listening. How I contradict hubby, forever loosing my phone and said 'for gods sake, I hate my life at times' and hubby said 'I hate my life to' and I said why etc and she was laughing as I had just said it but I did say it in relation to the phone. Moaned to my mum about it and she said she believes it knowing me. Hubby is the nice guy to everyone, I will say he gives as good as he gets though, he can be mean. It is instant as well, yesterday talking to our neighbour he was all giddy and making her laugh, close the back door and then starts saying what a state the house is etc. Another example that got some attention was we had just had our thawing report (we've had Ivf) we had two embryos, one failed to thaw and the other one wasn't doing well and only made it to 30% and unsure whether to transfer. Couldn't find hubby so looked outside and saw him joking with out neighbour, looked at me made some comment and I have him the filthiest look and walked inside. Again the bitch of the relationship.

I just wonder if anyone else feels like this?? I don't know what I can do to make myself better?? How do I prove myself that I'm not some tyrant bitch. Or no smoke without fire situation?? There is other layers in the situation of course and I'm sorry if it's a bit of a ramble, would love to hear thoughts thoughts xoxoxo

Once you're seen as the 'bitch' you're stuck... doesn't sound like you help yourself though? And him saying the house is a state isn't being mean if it is? It's stating facts Why does it bother you what your neighbours think?

Wow, you're neighbours make comments like that...I wouldn't stand for it, not very friendly or neighbourly at all to get involved with someones personal life without actually inviting them to do so!

Don't let people define you, be the person you want to be and if other people can't see that then they aren't worth having in your life.

Chin up, I'm also "the bitch"!!!

It's hard to say without being there, but just reading this you seem to be very negative and glass half empty and forever spoiling for a fight. But then again, that's what you are wondering, so that's what you wrote.

When I think "bitch" I think hateful and mean.

Emotional - yes it was a state but I also say he could always do it, he's off or I could have a really bad day with the kids, he thinks I do nothing whereas I feel like I am bringing up my children???

Polly I wish I was more like you!

Old woman sorry can you just explain a little please??

Just read my post and emotional you saying once your 'the bitch' your stuck and that's really helped me accept something. I don't know what but I kind of feel if I am to them then so be it, to anyone not just neighbours it just so happened that she made that comment yesterday

Well, what I mean is you want to know if you are a bitch and then you have to relay a few situations to explain - makes sense - and of course they are going to be stories in a vacuum where someone thought were you were a bitch. We are missing all of the pleasant happy times of laughter and silliness and fun carefree times.
It's just hard to judge.

Do you think he's trying to chat the neighbour up? He seems to be chatting to her a lot, and is he dissing you to her? That wouldn't be nice.

Your Dad went to hit your 2 year old son?
This is shocking.
You did the right thing to call him out - but this is not enough - why is he even in your life?

You were shockingly physically and mentally abused as a child. This will have left a major impact on you. Do you have issues managing your emotions? Have you a short fuse? That would be expected from how you were abused as a child - but you need to seek support so that your own children don’t hear emotional outbursts as this will cause them great harm. Your aim now is to create a calm and peaceful home - don’t raise your voice, take life slow and gentle. It doesn’t matter if the house is messy at this time. You have an enormous job to do to get through each day with twins and a 2 year old. Pace yourself. Prioritise love and calmness.

Old woman - sorry I see what you mean now! Well she didn't mention anything of that it was more about how 'we' make her laugh when she's ear wigging basically and how I cobytidicy

I'm unsure why you still have contact with your dad? Especially in relation to your kids having contact with him

Sorry the cat nudged my phone...

Continued!

Basically how I contradict hubby. But what I was saying was I hate my life when I've lost my phone which is all the time. We always play 'find the phone' - people joke that I need it tied to me etc basically I'll put it down and get busy with something!

Dickheads no he doesn't call me to her but for some reason he acts differently around her. I've also told him and he refuses it completely

Gutterton my son was actually about a year old. I went ballistic. He also said not long ago 'what kind of retard are you' - hubby looked at me and I looked at hubby, hubby hit the roof and then I did. He said oh that's an old thing. I told him I don't care how he was bought up, he could have been threatened with lions, it stops. It ended with me saying it's simple, don't do it, if you do you won't see him. My parents and sister are shit scared of that, that I will pull the plug if they step out of line. Maybe they feel like they are on egg shells but I don't care, my children are no#1 that's it. My dad is around as he lives with my mum and sister. My mum never really stuck up for me - if I would tell her something that happened she would say I was winding him up probably or said something horrible first for him to react like that. I was a vile teenager to be fair. No anything me and hubby talk about is when the kids are in bed. In front of them we just carry on as normal and both make a mental note that we are going to talk about it later. No I'm not over emotional and not a short fuse at all, working with children you need patience 😂 I probably do need to focus on keeping things calm. Everyone always says how busy I must be but don't actually understand that I don't answer my phone every 5 mins etc apart from hubby he knows if he doesn't get a reply we will be busy. Prioritise love sounds just the ticket I'd love it, the girls would love it but DS wouldn't sit still unless he was tired!! Family time is great but we usually love to go outdoors etc - which is a no no isn't it? Probably why my neighbour has nothing else to do but ear wig or the worst say 'your dinner looked nice last night'

I'd say be the bitch as much as you want as long as you're loving to your kids and are not abusive to your partner which it doesn't sound like you are. I don't think you sound a bitch at all, I think you sound strong and know how to stand up for yourself. A lot of people don't like women who do, and love the b word.

Re other people's opinions. Your mother's first. Where was she during all the abuse? If she was allowing your dad to do this it's not surprising she wants you to be weaker and more placating than you are. Re your neighbour she can fuck right off, what business is it of hers? You continue being strong and fiery, standing up for yourself and your kids. I admire you and you're a role model.

Not now, very interesting you say that about people not liking women who stick up for themselves - you are in to something there

My mum, well it's a good and rocky relationship (I don't want to use the word bad). She wouldn't really do anything with my dad if she was there, if she did I don't remember it

Why are your kids around your abusive dad?

I understand your post entirely. My Dad was not abusive like yours but he did have an explosive temper, and myself and my brothers had a tempestuous relationship with him growing up. I was very similar to you when my children were small.

Don't saddle yourself with that title. You are not the bitch, you are going to be struggling with your upbringing and struggling with trauma. My brother died very suddenly when I was in my 20s. My older brother slid into hard core drug use. The reason I recognise myself in your post is because i had my children fairly shortly after this and recognise now that I was dealing with trauma. Things like losing my phone and feeling as though I was not good enough at keeping up with the house would absolutely be a massive deal for me.

Your neighbour is awful and toxic. Recognise that. It's not you, it's her. She is easy to cut out of your life. Your problem now remains with how to deal with your parents and whether you can cut them out of your life. I suspect you probably need to.

I don't think it's about anyone being a 'bitch'... It sounds more like you had an abusive relationship via your dad, but I'm unsure why you'd expose your kids to him. The house being messy so long as its a safe environment isn't too much of an issue, unless it's not nice for your kids... The neighbour commenting? If you're screaming and kicking off I can understand her being concerned tbh.... I lose things all the time and loudly bitch and tut. However I don't shout to the point next door would be aware 😕

Wellies Thankyou for that. What did your partner think?? Was he/she supportive??

Sorry lala just to put it into the situation. She was sitting outside her back door, we have a hot tub at the end of the garden. I'd been in there hoovering it and we need a new filter - hence why I suddenly needed my phone to order one before I forgot basically. So I locked up and walked back to the house and said it in the garden, she's overheard me saying it not shouting. I was actually talking to myself out loud not to hubby really

Do you often react like that? Saying 'I hate my life' just because you can't find your phone? If you do, maybe you need to stop for a moment and truly assess your life, and everyone and eveything in it. You spent such a large part of your lifenfihting to just be you. If you were vile as a teenager it would have been a self defence mechanism when faced with your father' abuse. It doesn't need to define you now.

Who are you now? What are you like now? Who do you want to be?

Do your parents and sister add to your life or detract? If you don't want to cut them out, don't, but I'll bet you could do with some distancing, physicaly and emotionally. When you're with them I'll bet you get a really strong fight or flight response, amd suppressing it to maintain a 'normal' relationship would play havoc with your emotions.

Be kind to yourself - and remind your DH that you're his wife, the person he loved so much he chose to spend the rest of his life with, and to have children with, and that he'd better start remembering and not be tempted to bad mouth you to others just because he feels like venting.

Your neighbour sounds awful! Needs to mind her own business. And does DH deserve the criticism? On his rest days is childcare shared equally? Caring for young children (especially three as young as yours) is a FT job so of course you can’t do all the housework as well, that needs to be shared.

Your father abused you and your mother was an enabling co-conspirator who to this day minimizes and denies your abuse history and they're both in your life? And your child's life? Most teens can be vile at times so why are you blaming yourself? I suggest counseling/therapy. Your children shouldn't be around them. Are you familiar with the stately homes thread?

No not really it's just I hate spending time looking for my phone that's all

Hmm hubby does help but with a push. If I tidied, dinner was on the table and a bath was ran for him he wouldn't complain or think 'maybe she could do with a relaxing bath instead of me'. One thing that does get my goat is I've been put on a pain mixture for my back and hips etc with the twins pregnancy, my lifestyle etc I've now developed skeletal muscular damage. Yet asking hubby to put them in the cot is a big ask by the look on his face

As for fight or flight I do both. If I cba I just walk out. I will tell them straight though. My mum and sister are different, they go on girly weeks away etc and I'm not invited. I had a natural miscarriage at 8 weeks and she came to see me in her dinner break, I don't expect her to take time off work and such but if that was one of my girls I'd be there for longer than 40 mins. I had to ask for a hug which felt odd. She still kisses my sister before bed and she's 24!! If hubby's on nights I don't get a night night text. I don't expect it but it would make me feel a bit special. Do I expect too much??

Honestly I don't know who I am. I've always worked since I was 16, if you don't work you don't get luxuries in my mind. I live for my children they are everything to me and I thank them every day for choosing to implant and choosing me to be their mummy. I'm a wife who wants more of our fun back but sometimes life gets in the way. I'm a friend, usually the first to get pissed and one of the jokers, I like to make people laugh. Apart from that I don't know what else I am!!! Tough question. Who id love to be?? A catwalk model, my dream job for sure!!

I don't think you sound like a bitch. Your family are toxic and your neighbour's a nosy cow.
I wouldn't let them define you.
I'm quite outspoken and opinionated myself and I have certain standards for how allow other people to treat me. That's led me to be labelled a bitch at various times.

When my ds was born my sil visited and I made an embarrassed comment about how I was turning into a bitch, and she told me, in all seriousness that that was my job now.

I’m grateful to her.

I’d probably class my df as difficult rather than outright abusive and I find it very difficult to stand up to him. But when my dc are involved it’s completely different. Like you, I pulled him up sharply when my dc were tots over the way he spoke to my 2yo and he’s been careful ever since.

My dm and dh were laughing one day about how neither of them were remotely afraid of me, but they wouldn’t risk crossing my dc’s mother.

I’m not a bitch. If anything I’m too mild and people pleasing and bloody nice. I’m trying to work on it. And my sil’s comments actually made me feel inadequate. But I can rise up when my dc are involved in ways that startle myself. And that’s ok.

I remember what my house was like with two under two and under three and under four and at the start it made me feel a bit of a failure. DH was inclined to judge me in relation to his dm (who has ocd tendencies) and guest ready houses we visited, and we had a snippy dynamic especially when I wasn’t sleeping. MN came to the rescue and as I started to get my head around the tangible benefits to his career that I was providing as a sahm, and clarity about prioritising interactions with the dc over housekeeping, I started to really value myself more. And I sat into my “mother” persona a bit more firmly. But the weird thing was that as I started to hold myself in higher esteem, so did dh and our day to day relationship improved considerably. We started pulling together more as a team and respecting each other’s contribution to the family instead of concentrating on the perceived benefits of “getting to stay at home” and “escaping to work”.

I’m rambling a bit but what I’m trying to get at is that I think you’re getting hung up on a (frankly nasty) word. There’s good and bad in it and times and places when it serves you well. So embrace it, but maybe rein it in a bit so it serves you. You might have to put a bit of effort into cultivating a calm side to yourself (like I have to cultivate my bitch a bit more)

And as a side note: watch out for your neighbour. I’d be inclined to make a comment to your dh that at least he knows where he stands with you, because you’re direct and honest. That passive aggressiveness crap she does is insidious and sneaky and underhand.

I think you could start to question yourself... are you happy always being seen as a bitch.. reading between the lines I don’t think you are.
You say you are one of the jokers and first to get pissed, or be a friend.You say that as a positive thing, I think that’s how you would like to be thought of, not the bitch.
Maybe you and your DH have got stuck in playing certain “ characters” inside your home too, you play the bitch to him and he plays the victim but the aggressor too?
I get some of where you are coming from , my mother walked out on us when young and we were left with my father, who took all of his anger and heartbreak out on us if we crossed a very thin line.
As I got older and built my own family etc I built it very differently from how I was bought up because I didn’t want to repeat the pattern with my children. I didn’t succeed with husband though as he went on to cheat, part of excuse was that everything goes into the kids and I was no fun, although I saw it as an excuse, later on in years I could actually see it, but not till my children were bit older bit more self suffient.It took everything i had to give them a different upbringing to my one, i was ( an still can be) fixated on that , that I loose the fun part of me.
I think you need time away from the kids/home once a week, or even twice, once on your own and once with your hubby to give yourself a little you time.To refresh you, to remind you, if you like.Also although any mother can become a tiger with their children , you almost state it as a threat when writing and you don’t need to.It sounds angry and spoiling for a fight in bitch persona mode.
Just relax a little into life, you are doing the best you can coming from a traumatic upbringing like mine, you are the change, you don’t need to be telling people , stating it etc .

As for your neighbour, tbh I wouldn’t care, what’s her life like if she’s so interested in yours?!?! I would just change subject on it if she brings it up, or even just talk a bit less to her. If your DH wants to go out and be all giggly and jokey with her , he’s playing up to the victim role he/she has created for him.Dont rise to the bait.
In all , step back from the past, focus on what you need, how you want to be perceived and try to influence that.Its not easy once you are cast in a role in your family ( I’m the black sheep occasionally because I will stand up for myself or tell it like it is) but in equal measure I know when the chips are down they have been grateful for my help and sound mind)
In the current situation in life, it proves life is too short, there are things we don’t anticipate happening in life to us. Make it a good one for you and the kids x

@johnsky my partner is probably not the best example as our relationship has broken down as he had an affair. He thinks he was supportive and he was in the aftermath but he changed after I had the kids and treated me contemptuously at times, he would say the same about me, which is why I understand why you think you seem like you're a bitch. I expected very little, I had little money. We have a house in a nice area and lots of green open spaces which made it easy to enjoy bringing up the kids They are teenagers now.

Your neighbour overhearing you getting exasperated about looking for your phone is crazy. She has too much time on her hands and i would go as far as saying might be trying to make a play for your husband.

Look after yourself and your mental health. Just know you are doing your best. You will get stronger and feel more courageous about being able to manage your situation but you do need to to two things to help yourself. Ignore your neighbour. She's a cunt. And realise your upbringing has caused you trauma. And that's not your fault. The rest of it, I reckon your doing better than you think you are.