Anyone the bitch???

[Johnskymberlina]

Hi all,

So really going to try and keep this as clear as possible but also short.

My dad was abusive mentally and physically, not with my sister though just me. If you've heard it, I've been called it. Hit, spat at, dragged round places with anything he can get hold of - arms, legs, hair. I don't want to play a victim but just how that's given me a complex a little. Nothing sexual or neglect though. Things are awkward and I am conscious of him when he's around my children.

I'm outspoken and opinionated and when it comes to my children I'm ruthless if anyone crosses a line they know about it. Controlling or protective?? I'm not sure. Examples, pulling my dad up when he went to hit my son. Anyone doing that will feel my wrath I don't care who they are. Dad or not.

Anyway...

As a wife I try my best. I did work as a childminder but with covid etc I've had to close. So at the minute I'm home with the kids. My son (2 and a half) and twin girls (6 months). Things aren't always clean, the dishwasher can pile up and bottles sometimes are sterilised all at once. Hubby doesn't give me grief but I can tell he isn't exactly happy that I'm at home when he's at work. He works shifts, 2 days, 2 nights and 4 days off.

As a mother I try my best (again!) education is very important in our house so we go with what my son is interested in and role with it. I'm laid back but ruthless when needed, as what I said above.

However, to neighbours, family etc I'm the bitch is the relationship and people 'feel' for hubby. Don't know if it's always in jest though. Next door said yesterday she listens to us when she knows what we are talking about we think no ones listening. How I contradict hubby, forever loosing my phone and said 'for gods sake, I hate my life at times' and hubby said 'I hate my life to' and I said why etc and she was laughing as I had just said it but I did say it in relation to the phone. Moaned to my mum about it and she said she believes it knowing me. Hubby is the nice guy to everyone, I will say he gives as good as he gets though, he can be mean. It is instant as well, yesterday talking to our neighbour he was all giddy and making her laugh, close the back door and then starts saying what a state the house is etc. Another example that got some attention was we had just had our thawing report (we've had Ivf) we had two embryos, one failed to thaw and the other one wasn't doing well and only made it to 30% and unsure whether to transfer. Couldn't find hubby so looked outside and saw him joking with out neighbour, looked at me made some comment and I have him the filthiest look and walked inside. Again the bitch of the relationship.

I just wonder if anyone else feels like this?? I don't know what I can do to make myself better?? How do I prove myself that I'm not some tyrant bitch. Or no smoke without fire situation?? There is other layers in the situation of course and I'm sorry if it's a bit of a ramble, would love to hear thoughts thoughts xoxoxo

You grew up in a toxic family and are still part of it now. If you're brought up around aggression and violence you do become hard as a person. An abused child eventually learns to switch off their emotions and later on in life anger is extremely common. Have you had therapy to deal with your upbringing? Would you ever consider reporting your dad for child cruelty? Your Mum did an appalling job of protecting you and trying to blame you for your dad's actions is unbelievable.
I know it's hard but your family don't sound good for you and I personally would cut off contact. Get some CBT therapy and unpick all the damage from childhood and work on being a better parent/partner than your parents were to you.

I don't think you sound like a 'bitch', looking after kids is tough and fills time.

I've not read other posts but I'm surprised you give your dad the time of day. Especially considering what you said about your childhood.
He obviously likes bashing up kids, sounds like a piece of shit.

I don't think you are a bitch but have some issues from childhood as you seem a bit regimental, have to have some control, maybe to mask your previous trauma. You were 100 % right re your dad and your child.
You need to work through your childhood trauma and its impact on you. Don't underestimate how it can affect you as an adult. I think you may know this deep down.

Hi ladies

Just want to summarise my neighbours life, she has two teenage girls, hubby left her about 11 years ago. Since then she likes 'attached' men. Who am I to judge? But I do, sleeping with a man you know has a 3 month old child... I judge her totally. When she knows the various men have wife's and partners. Can't trust her as far as you can throw her BUT keep your enemies close sometimes comes into play. She has a job - shift work. Lots of incidents can come to my mind that have happened with her. Our house was a fixer upper. Bought it cheap and spent the rest of our budget on doing it up. Literally ripped the house out. I don't want to sound snobby but like I said we both work to get the luxuries we want e.g. a brand new garden with the hot tub etc we expanded as much as we could and I personally love it (can you tell 😂😂😂) she hates it, she's jealous as sin but that's her problem I think?? She hasn't seen the inside so if she is jealous it's of what she can see. Maybe she's jealous of the fact my hubby is a good man. He is moody but he's a good father and a good husband underneath it all, he provides for us and we are lucky enough to afford the best. At the minute he's in the dog house though because of his attitude after being giddy with next door. Maybe because hubby is essentially a good man she would make a play for him.

Just one thing about my dad, hubby doesn't know most of what happened I've never told him, he knows he wasn't a loving father but not the details. Hubby just rang me and I missed it, he left an answer message about something that had happened at work. Anyway I looked at the time he rang on my phone and I noticed that my mum hasn't rang me once since lockdown. I've always rang her. From now on I'm not going to ring her. I feel I want her approval but I don't know what for?? I think I'd like to be treated like my sister but I know it won't happen I've already been frank about that and they laugh at me.

This is a reaction though I just want to put as an example... so my mum will say how a picture of the kids they look so happy. My response it well why wouldn't they be?? Is that normal??!! I think I'm defensive of criticism from my mum, I know she'd have my kids off me in a heartbeat. After the twins I was in hospital for 9 days, she had DS when we came out. Able to take our children home and be a family she cried but not out of happiness out of the fact she would miss my son. My sister cried as well. WTF HES MY SON!!!! I don't know if I am in trauma or over reacting.

Bloody hell I think I'm going crazy xoxox

OP men who assert themselves are seen as manly aka positive. Women who assert themselves are seen as aggressive and/or bitchy. It's a prime example of everyday sexism.

Yet asking hubby to put them in the cot is a big ask by the look on his face My partner does that look sometimes. I just ignore it, smile and say thanks!

I'd be careful about jumping to calling women jealous though as that's another sexist arguement. Some people just won't like you plain and simple. It doesn't mean they're jealous of you. I was going to say she needs to butt out but you seem to know too much information about her too!

Bloody hell I think I'm going crazy

Your Dad's abuse is still causing damage. Damage to your self esteem. Your mum doesn't help either. There are some serious issues in your family that have led to you feeling this way about yourself, and assuming that you are the bitch. Your DH probably doesn't help either, as you tend to seek out equally abusive partners, believing you are not worth any more.

This is all purely speculation, based on very little of what you've written.

Use this lockdown time to look up personality disorders, such as NPD. Look at your relationship with your mum, is it one sided, who's in control, how does she make you feel when you talk to her? Ditch your father asap.

Question what you get from your current relationship. How he treats you etc. It's easier to treat someone like shit when they feel like they're not worth anything.

You are worth it OP. You just started out life a bit shit, and that abuse paves the way of your future. It's quite normal to start questioning it once you have children of your own, and once you realise how precious they are, you can't comprehend anyone hurting them; so why did your own parents hurt you? It's hard to get your head around that one.

Do some reflecting on yourself. Look at all your positives, look at what you are good at. What makes you, you. Learn about yourself, mistakes and all.

If you feel like you're going crazy, chances are, someone else is causing that.

Good luck x

You need to circle the wagons now.

Your life should be about providing a calm and peaceful home for your kids so that they can develop healthy emotions and behaviours. This will set them and you all up for a deeply happy life.

You do this through being attentive and responsive to each of their specific and different emotional needs and you can only do this by being fully mentally present.

You cannot be preoccupied housework, pining for a better relationship with your mother, being angry with your abusive Dad or any nonsense from your spiteful neighbour.

Look at these people as polluting your mind with negative feelings which you carry on to your babies. They are indirectly are compromising their emotional happiness. So put in distance - emotionally detach. Grey rock your family.

You sound anxious and want approval for how you are being a Mum. You will never get it from these people as they just want to put you down. So stop trying and turn your back on them so that you can’t see or feel their negativity.

You are being a great Mum. Love is all you need and this is proactive kind, gentle, respectful behaviours between the 5 of you.

Kindness and respect.
A calm and peaceful home.
Cut out the negative white noise in your head from others.
Only spend time with people who value you and have your back. Don’t expose yourself to the others. When you get a feeling of “off” KNOW that this is a toxic environment and withdraw.

Be confident that your doing great - because you are.

Work gently with your DH as a team.
It’s a long game, but these early years are v precious to how your family will flourish.

Ducks back - I don't listen over here garden though??? She has told me that, she's quite proud of how many men she can 'turn' I haven't got time to spy or ear wig!! Heck I'm in the shower at 1:30am as sometimes that's the only time I can or get round to it 🙈🙈🙈 if she doesn't like me fine but we always get an invite to her bbqs and when we have a street party she always comes to find me and wants me to share a new gin she's got - one of her friends has a gin bar and makes all sorts of recipes. We have still had a couple of street parties just each in our back gardens haha passing food across the walls and fences. Again she dug out some exotic flavoured gin to share. She can be really lovely but as much as she's lovely she can be just as nasty with her comments. I see her as an enemy close situation though as I do have to live next door to her

Hubby doesn't think I'm a bitch by the way but he doesn't help matters either 🤨

With my mum when I speak to her she will 99% of the time cut off the call with the following...
I need to get something to eat/drink
Needs the toilet
Postman's at the door
In the middle of playing a game on her iPad
They could all be true I'm not saying they aren't but she uses those reasons.

Exactly right about comprehension of abuse. Boggles me tbf but it's something about me because my sister never got any hitting etc she was there telling him it's ok and leave me alone

Thankyou gutterton that is wise and truthful. When this 'lockdown' happened I kissed them good night and although they don't know after I said as long as all 6 (don't forget pussy cat!!) of us are together it doesn't matter about the outside world and I do believe that and can accept that in my mind. Your right i won't ever get a compliment for being a good mum from those people. I get compliments from other people like my grandma and grandad etc saying how lovely they are, how well mannered my son is and their behaviour is good.

I'm sick of trying to please people it's exhausting in a way!!!

Well I don't know how you got all the information it just seems you both have a lot of information about the other. Have you asked her to stop eavesdropping because it's creepy?

Heck I'm in the shower at 1:30am as sometimes that's the only time I can or get round to it Why is that? I also have 3 under 5 plus a breastfed baby and work but my partner would never see me doing everything to the point where the only time I can shower is 1.30! Does your husband have to shower at that time too?

It sounds like your parents and sister add nothing of value to your life so stop bothering! They've made their bed. Let them lie in it. I know it's difficult (was sexually abused by family as a child) but it's worth it.

I'm the type of person who when i get upset or overwhelmed (in a bad way) i get angry. I never cry. Even when the other person is being a selfish arse (my ex.) So i am also 'the bitch'. But sometimes it suits their agenda. I have learnt to not give a fuck! Unless i like or respect the person who holds that opinion, fuck em!

Water we do talk, our street has parties out the front, we talk with cups of tea and coffee in our dressing gowns on Saturday mornings. I'm not talking about us on our own, there's about 8 houses that gather I don't avoid her, I'm not scared of her or anything. I'm sorry to hear of your abuse

No I don't always shower at that time but I've been known to when I've been so busy with my paperwork, kids, tea, bath, bed etc. The point is I have better things to do than eavesdrop on what she is doing or something

I have made the decision to step back and oh my I feel like a weight is lifted. Hubby got back from work I ranted, he didn't say much and I said are you even listening and he said yes but just letting me vent he then agreed with what I had said etc hugged and kissed and said how we need to be better to each other and make a joint effort of doing so. We are both happy with that and moved on to what we are doing with the kids tomorrow

I've realised that I don't need anyone's acceptance unless they are worth it

I've realised that I don't need anyone's acceptance unless they are worth it

Sorry I posted too soon! These words, you will have to keep revisiting them. Your husband sounds like he's decent and supportive. Letting you vent is really important.

Thankyou all for helping me looking from different perspectives it's been really helpful. I've also decided that in the afternoon or early evening I'm going to turn my phone off completely. I don't need to be seeing if my mum will call me or such. I had a beautiful message off one of my best friends last night and see made me see some sense as well. My energy needs to be more into my family nest and getting up this morning I just feel lighter and my mind isn't heavy, I know that sounds weird but it's just how I felt xxxx

Ok just in case anyone searches on Google's etc, an update.

I don't call my mum, if she calls me I will answer. I am finding life easier that way and also that I find my focus in other places, such as making my husband, kids and cat happy. I am writing this in lockdown but generally we see them once a fortnight. Everything is down to them now. With my dad it's the same situation - it will never change as it's unspoken events.

My neighbour, she's at arms length. Again I'm not focused on anything else. We go out feed the fish, watch the tadpoles, go in the hot tub etc - focus on our family and our happiness. She can think what she likes, I know what I know. I'll lick her arse when I'm talking to her, I have to live next door to her after all but I'm not making any effort with her

Anyway, Thankyou all for your help and advice. It has helped me see things differently and made things much much better xx

That’s lovely to hear Johns - no need for big discussions or rows - just listen to your feelings - if someone is “off” or you are left feeling “confused” just emotionally withdrawn. You don’t have to give it too much headspace. Turn your back and do what you are doing. Keep all your energy positively focused on growing your own lovely family. Don’t get drawn into any nonsense. Enjoy your babies and your DH.