Standards are so low

[Shineonyou]

Mid 30s. Never had a problem attracting men. Few long term relationships. All men I’ve dated or been with have been low grade. Cheats, liars, or just not very nice people. Most would seem lovely on the outside. Maybe one or two were alright.

I’ve been told that I’m picky and I should compromise. Last two relationships I compromised big time to the extent I wasted years on undesirable men.

Feel like I can’t win.

Just feel like there is an abundance of low quality men out there.

I’ve done lots of online dating. And plenty of activities to meet men offline.

For a while I thought it was me. I don’t think it is.

Anyone else think the same?

Yup. No doubt some smart arse will come along and say it’s all our fault because their Nigel is Lovely.

I think you're right. The cheats/liars/abusers i've known have women wanting them to stay with them despite knowing everything they do; and a steady queue of women willing to be the latest bit on the side once the 'missus' calms down a bit from finding out the latest cheating episode.

I know lots of lovely men too but no available ones.

I agree OP. I think the biological drive to reproduce (even if you think you don't want kids) kicks in bigtime in the 20's and/or 30's causing most women to overlook the mediocrity of the male response to their care giving and goddess like stature in comparison to the male feet of clay.

Yup. No doubt some smart arse will come along and say it’s all our fault because their Nigel is Lovely.

Yes yes 😂

Just feel like there is an abundance of low quality men out there.

There is. Embrace your wonderful, single life.

OP, some people do what they can get away with. The way society is at the moment, permissive, men can get away with more, so some do indeed get away with more.

I have a lot of approaches but that's not a good thing, as a high proportion of them are profiling for victims you can tell from the questions they ask. Some men can sniff out vulnerability, whatever that may be, recent separation, difficult ex, family background, isolated, disabilty, etc, whatever it is, they sniff it out and try to see if they can use it to their advantage. If you fall into a vulnerable group, more abusers will try their luck. So you need to be wary.

If they ascertain that a woman is a poor prospect for whatever usage they have planned, they (usually) rapidly back off and move on to another target.

Have a google of "shark cage". How strong is your shark cage, OP? This isn't your fault, but you may need to be more aware of the sharks and repel them quicker to give the good quality men a chance to get near.

Yep. I dated lots of frogs before my pretty amazing DH.

The good ones do exist OP, so don't lower your standards!

Or no men.

No men is an equally good, if not better and safer, option.

I agree. The % of 'good' men is low.
And women have been socialised to accept that to such an extend that they usually accept it.

One of the big issue for me is mysoginy. The deelpy entrentched one that is part of tye normal everyday life that very few people ever noticed it.
The problem is, once you see it, you cant unsee it and it makes it very hard to find nyone up to standards, aka a relationship where you arevtreated as an equal, not the automatic cleaner, childcare etc.....
You only have to read threads on here. They are full on them.

I don't think you have low standards and they definitely shouldn't be compromised on! There's nothing wrong with expecting to be treated right by a partner. Anything less is unacceptable!

The only way I've gotten through it is prioritising myself since becoming single. I'm learning new things, enjoying my job and working to lose weight and it's ALL for me! Being happy alone will make me a better partner if I do ever end up in another relationship. And if I don't, I'll still be happy (I think!).

It may be the cynic in me but I believe genuinely nice men are a rare breed so I'm not holding my breath. Unfortunately my experiences have taught me that men lie, cheat, abuse, etc. No man outside my family has ever shown me differently.

Agree with the misogyny. It’s entrenched. I always said I was never doing that and yet I ended up falling into the trap of domineering/successful/ego man who thinks he’s right all the time. SAHM for me through necessity and career sacrifice due to me having to hold down the fort. If i could have my life again I would not get married. I’d have my kids through IVF and do it all on my own terms and rely only on myself.

Just feel like there is an abundance of low quality men out there

YANBU.

Having standards should never been seen as a negative.

Tbf, I think there's an abundance of low quality men AND women.

Can I call house?

I’ve been told that I’m picky and I should compromise.

Please don't. You've mentioned doing so before and it didn't work for you.

Just feel like there is an abundance of low quality men out there.

Yep, that's my, admittedly anecdotal, view too. I'm older (53) and not looking for a long term committed relationship (although I may be prepared to shift my view for the right person. But the men I attract are ... well, generally quite frankly shit.

Anyone else think the same?

Yes!

Raising boys I can see the challenge as by teens years there is a drive towards competitiveness, arrogance and lack of empathy which "allows" them to treat women badly. There is an underlying feeling of entitlement that most women just don't have. It has really surprised me how much counter balance I have to provide against the macho culture. To compound this there is a lack emotional maturity but with arrogance so they don't see it. Cheating and deception are the tools of an emotional immature person.

Once in the workplace there is a flawed view of "success" as it is often defined by how much money they earn, which makes them feel more entitled. Once they feel entitled they treat those (women & children) who they judge as not equal as inferior which is why we still have so much DV.

It takes a genuinely strong man to have better values but not sure there are many of those. I think lack of emotional intelligence is often at the root of this as cheaters often run from relationships as soon as they face any difficulties rather than deal with their negative feelings.

So very true.

I'd remember though that all those perfect Nigel's are probably not so perfect either behind closed doors. There are far too many threads on here about 20/30 year long marriages turning to dust that probably means they were settling for low standards all along so take those with a pinch of salt.

For what it's worth I'd take high standards over Nigel who probably wanks over the neighbours while he's in the shower and can't make tea for his own kids all day long. 😬😂

I totally agree. Totally.

@Techway, I have two teens, both boys.
I am finding raising teens a heartache for the reasons you explain. Ive seen the misogyny there since they were in primary and ny getting worse.
It has led to many outbursts and talks' to the whole of the family, explaining why x behaviour is NT appropriate. I feel I have to contantly check my boundaries because otherwise Im getting walked all over.
And they are 'good' mature kids....

@QuestionMarkNow, mine are similarly "good" kids and seen as kind but it is uphill struggle to keep them on the right path.

Yes I find the shit women it up with in relationships unbelievable.

OP, do not lower your standards whatever you do.

I have a couple of late teen boys and they would be considered very good eggs.

Never an ounce of trouble, high achieving in education etc.

However....they have to be called out regularly concerning being selfish, self absorbed, inconsiderate.

Now I deal with it.....firmly....but I do think boys, while very loving, can be very self absorbed. I think it is in their DNA make up.

I couldn’t agree more. My friends (all married or in LTRs) tell me that I’m too picky but they don’t get how utterly dire the general standard of men is. It’s good to have high standards even if that means being single.

Eh most men are either drunks, control freaks or liars! Took me years to find a genuine man and feel like I've wasted my life not being treated well! I def won't ever tolerate abuse now but I am knocking on the door of 50 lol . Keep your standards high you deserve a decent man x

While I agree entirely, I also think there are a lot of unpleasant/ dishonest/manipulative women out there, judging by the anecdotes which regularly appear on Mn about female ‘friends’ behaving with astonishing levels of self-entitlement, thoughtlessness and contempt towards so-called friends.

(And the low standards and general self-abasement from the OP’s in these threads never fail to horrify me — that these women use the word ‘friend’ to describe someone who lies to them, bullies them, manipulates them into loans and childcare etc)

It’s just that the stakes are culturally higher for heterosexual women who are still socialised to think they should marry and have children, and that they are less valuable if not in a relationship with a man, so they put up with more crap. And judging by Mn, too many women still choose to see their careers as optional once they have children, and out themselves into the power of partners/spouses, economically. And obviously male socialisation is still creating gendered toxicity — not helped by the kind of humorous, eye-rolling ‘Oh, boys will be boys!’/Men can’t see dirt, the sillies’ attitudes you see on here.

I am married to a good one, as it happens, but if something happened to us, I don’t think I would seek another relationship. I also have a lot of male friends, but it’s been brought very forcibly to my attention lately that while two in particular are wonderful, generous friends, they are lazy, uninvolved spouses. Which has led to me telling them so and pulling back from the friendships.

No, it’s not you, OP.