Standards are so low

[Shineonyou]

Mid 30s. Never had a problem attracting men. Few long term relationships. All men I’ve dated or been with have been low grade. Cheats, liars, or just not very nice people. Most would seem lovely on the outside. Maybe one or two were alright.

I’ve been told that I’m picky and I should compromise. Last two relationships I compromised big time to the extent I wasted years on undesirable men.

Feel like I can’t win.

Just feel like there is an abundance of low quality men out there.

I’ve done lots of online dating. And plenty of activities to meet men offline.

For a while I thought it was me. I don’t think it is.

Anyone else think the same?

I agree.

I am well aware no man is perfect, and have always overlooked little things, but it seems most of them are lacking at least one of the essential personality attributes needed for a successful relationship.

First boyfriend we were teens, so not much to be expected there, but he was selfish, moody and basically a killjoy. Constantly needed to make snide remarks or put himself above you with a clever comment. Really sexist.

Second boyfriend absolutely lovely, kind, tolerant, funny - but zero common sense and disastrous with money. I was always having to lend him money for car parking fines, etc, or just bail him out because he never had any money. I was always having to 'sort him out' iyswim. It was so frustrating I felt like his mum.

Third boyfriend, charismatic, good looking, fantastic job - but basically didnt want any real commitment, after 6 months it wouldn't be unusual to not hear from him at all for a week, sometimes two.

My fiance now is everything I could ask for, however there is a bit of an age gap between us and I wonder if he wouldve been the same had I met him a bit younger.

I think part of it is mums spoiling their boys, so they grow up thinking women are just there to cook/clean/do things for them. I think the other part of it is men are settling down a lot lot later because biologically they can, so they can just mess about until they're 40.

Don't compromise, OP. It's better to be alone than badly accompanied. I am 53, have been single for nearly 3 years. I'm not actively looking for anyone, I won't do OLD. If I meet someone 'organically' IYSWIM, I might think about it.
I think it must be so tough for women in their 30s looking to find a decent partner these days. As PPs have said the sheer levels of entitled misogyny and arrogance are unbelievable. if you want to meet someone and have kids, it's like taking a leap of faith. A PP said in another life she wouldn't have bothered with a man but had her kids by IVF and coped alone. I agree with that!
We seem to have gone backwards as a society in terms of equality and fairness. I think it takes some women's attitudes as well as men, to change before anything gets better.
I agree, standards are low. I put up with 27 years of marriage to someone who was lovely to begin with, but couldn't handle not being able to do what he wanted, when he wanted and had tantrums. I wanted to have children and it was important to me they grew up with their father around. I realise now I was wrong to think that any relationship was better than not having a man at all.

I think part of it is mums spoiling their boys, so they grow up thinking women are just there to cook/clean/do things for them

If my two are to give an indication of where its coming from, I would say their sense of entitlement is coming from

• watching their father
• school

I dont get that the reason men are pricks is obvioulsy because ofthe way their MOTHER has been with them. Why is it again the fault of women if men dont behave like decent people??

I completely agree OP. I also think most men are absolutely crap in bed too. Or am I just very unlucky?

That old trope... That men are shits because of their mothers. It's always a woman's fault isn't it? Or perhaps it's that our entire culture is steeped in misogyny. At the very root of which is that boys and men and never, ever expected to be accountable.

*are

@QuestionMarkNow

It has just been my personal experience, and of course I know it will be the minority of mums that act that way. But I have come across so many mums of boys that seen to enjoy being the only female in the house, laying down the law and waiting hand and foot on 'her boys'. Then when a new woman is on the scene, the mother still expects to be her son's first priority and sees the girlfriend as another contender for his loyalties. This is the case with one of my friends, the boyfriend treats her like absolute shit but his mum constantly makes excuses for him and justifies his behaviour. It's like she is jealous of my friend.

Of course there will be cases where it is the dad encouraging unpleasant behaviour toward women but I personally haven't encountered this.How many threads do you see on here about awful MILs? In most of them there is a spoilt or weak son on the scene.

But ultimately it is the son's fault, none of the above is an excuse.

I think that definitely happens, wolfgirrl. I think a lot of women have problems with internalised misogyny. They're not forcing the men in their lives to be accountable.

@opticaldelusion

I'm not saying for one moment that the men are not 100% responsible for their actions. But some will be twats in the context of what I wrote above. It's not an excuse just surrounding circumstances.

I see an awful lot of posts on here about emotionally bullying husbands who seem to work as a team with their mum's to make their wife feel like shit. Over the last couple of days I have seen threads on here: MIL and son naming baby behind wife's back, MIL wanting to visit newborn in coronavirus pandemic, MIL demanding DIL takes kids to see her for her birthday during lockdown. In all of them the wives were complaining the husbands were refusing to stick up for them or even get involved!

I was always taught by my parents that you never compromise and no marriage is better than marriage to the wrong person. Mum always said that you are better off single than in the wrong relationship which is a strong message from a fairly conservative couple.

Good advice overall I think for women.