I’d never say my dd is just like her dad but she is..

[rainbowlou]

Her biological dad has not seen her for about 5 years, messages her a few times since then but that’s the extent of their contact!
He was an extremely abusive (physically, emotionally and financially) when we were together and she does unfortunately remember some incidents but not all.
He would lose his temper at the slightest thing, be incredibly grumpy, sulk, slam doors, shout etc.
In company would do things slyly, eg, walk past me but step on my foot, elbow me. Give me a hug but be pinching me. I was constantly walking on eggshells shells to avoid ‘winding him up’.
Anyway! Over the last few weeks my dd (19) who is quite quiet, likes her space but also is usually incredibly kind, considerate and lovely has obviously been forced into spending a lot more time with us than usual.
She worked shifts and her job has now ended, and she spent a lot of time with her boyfriend which she now can’t do.
She is now so intolerant of us all, and guess what? we are all treading on eggshells around her! She is constantly in a mood, won’t sit in the same room as anyone eating, ‘accidentally’ bumped/elbowed into me countless times, shouting at the dog for licking his paws, shouting at her sibling for no reason at all, making a huge point of stomping out of the room if I dare brush my hair/paint nails/ drink my tea etc...slams doors if her behaviour is mentioned and stays in her room for hours. (I do believe she has misophonia but that’s a whole different thread as she refuses to accept it!)
It suddenly occurred to me today I actually feel like I’m living with him again..I can’t stand it anymore!
I’ve explained to her this is shit for us all and we all need to be more tolerant or we won’t get along but it falls on deaf ears.
I don’t want to tell her she is like her dad because she knows what an arse he is but fuck me I feel like I’ve gone back in time!
Telling her to move out isn’t a solution right now, she has nowhere to go, has no money and we financially cannot help her with this.
Sorry that was so long! Do I insist she gets some counselling? I just don’t know what to do before my head explodes with trying to keep everyone calm 😕

I think there are a few things going on here.

1. she is bringing back memories of your abusive ex. But that doesn't actually mean she is really like him. Maybe she is but maybe she controls her emotions usually and it is just that she is behaving badly under stress.

1. I have an 19 and 18 year old home with me. They are very stressed tbh. They would far prefer to be back a university, they miss their friends, they hate being inside, they are worried about when this will end etc. DD1 had a bit of a blow at me last night (in fairness I was a bit mean to her too - we are all stressed). I'd cut a lot of slack to them in these circumstances, would let them stay in the room if they wanted etc.

1. There are some things you do not have to put up with At All. If she "acccidentally" elbows you or bumps into you - throw a complete hissy fit at her. "Excuse me! How dare you bump into me. Don't tell me it was accidental when we both know it wasn't. You touch me like that in my home again and you'll be a very sorry person" Like really angry, really in control and really certain that she is not allowed to do this.

1. She isn't a grown adult who has any control over you. you actually have all the control - she is in your house. remind her of this very clearly if she breaches some boundaries (the staying in the room one wouldnt bother me).

1. I think counselling is a good idea too. tbh I think lots of us will need counselling at the end of this.

Gosh, I get it but try not to project.
19 is such a tough age. My Dd is now 23 and lockdown is challenging but at 19 would have been a nightmare. You sound like a far more patient mum than me.

I found it helped to keep reminding myself that the brain isn’t fully formed until 25. Make sure you have your own space and time apart.
Take care and good luck X

Stop treading on eggshells and give her a verbal kick up the arse! She needs to be taught how to live WITH people in this time too. It’s tough on everyone and she’s not the precious little snowflake who gets more leeway than everyone else! Tell her to pull her head in and get involved! (I am dealing with three younger teenagers and have at least one of them pulling this shit most days. There are plenty of jobs I can find for them to do.)

Fab advice from pallisers.

Thank you! I am also aware of the brain not being fully developed until 25 after a recent training course (wonder if it was the same one?!) and it has helped me stay ‘calmer’.
I am trying so hard not to compare her and him and keeping that firmly to myself!
I do understand it’s hard for her and we are making allowances for that.
I always volunteer to do the food shop and sometimes buy a paper to read in the car so I get my own space 🙈🙈

And from Just. Have to say, if I received another elbow she’d get one back.

Gosh even today I sat in my car with a sandwich and read on my phone to just escape for 30 mins.

I have pulled her up on a lot of things and have told her she has no right to make us feel like we are treading on egg shells in our own home. She apologises, sulks a bit, becomes an absolute angel until the next time!! She just doesn’t get it 🤯

The way people infantilise young adults on Mumsnet is ridiculous. The brain is considered fully developed by age 22 when neural pruning finishes. The prefrontal cortex is slightly underdeveloped in the late teens but not so much that it would explain away abusive and obtuse behaviour (like beginning to physically assault your own mum). Treating young people as if they are not responsible for their behaviour gives them an excuse to act badly and sadly I see it all the time (and have done with my SIL who is the same age as me).

We are all suffering considerably because of lockdown. My dad is in hospital with coronavirus and I’ve been told there’s nothing more they can do for him. Meanwhile, at 21 I am living in my own rented house with my toddler and constant financial worries. I miss my family and friends. Am I bouncing off the walls and taking my problems out on everyone else because of my ‘underdeveloped brain’? No, and I wouldn’t have 2 years ago either. Because guess what, 19 is old enough to have some self-regulation. What she is doing is self-centred, bratish and unacceptable and shouldn’t be excused. I’m sorry but too many spoilt people live at home with their parents and continue to act like 13 years olds well into their 20s while their parents sit back and excuse them for being “young”.

I’m sorry your dad is in hospital however I haven’t infantilised my dd at all and she certainly has never been spoiled, I don’t recall saying her behaviour is due to her being ‘young’ .
My issue is her behaviour being the exact same as her biological ‘father’ and me bring worried about that!

Sorry, op. My rant wasn’t entirely directed at you. More just the general attitude of Mumsnet. There are a lot of posts atm of parents pitying their 18-25 year olds who’s only woe is not being able to see their friends- like the rest of us.

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your daughter. Please don’t excuse it because it does echo abusive behaviour and she needs to know it’s totally wrong to treat someone else like that, despite being stressed.

Well I’m not pitying her as she is in a better position than most!
I’m not excusing her behaviour at all as it’s affecting us all.
I hope you are coping ok being home with your toddler at this current time x

Thank you, I hope things work out for you with your daughter. I’m sure everything will calm down when this is over x

I hope so..or she may move in with her boyfriend

You need to spell out to her that her behaviour is abusive and is not going to be tolerated. She is miserable. It’s okay to be miserable, but she doesn’t own miserable. Everyone else is too. She doesn’t get to make herself feel better by inflicting pain or misery on anyone else. That is sick behaviour and she will need to seek psychological help or move out, as you have a responsibility to keep yourself and the other people living in the house safe too.

I couldn't deal with the elbowing, that would get very short shrift from me.

I guess at that age, I would have found it very hard to live with my parents but I would never have acted like that. She definitely needs to learn some respect.

I think you've had some great advice so won't add any but just to let you know I can hear how hard it is and I hope you find a solution soon.

"she doesn’t own miserable"

I like that. I'll have to remember it (for myself too when I'm being self pitying.)

Shouting at the dog for licking his paws is the worst bit about this tbh. Does she make a habit of this?

What a difficult situation for you all.

As your DD lived in a home where there was domestic abuse, witnessed incidents and lived through the tension and distress it is almost certain she too has been traumatised.
This trauma will impact her responses and behaviours when she is in a situation she finds stressful.

It’s not that she’s ‘like’ her dad but having lived with domestic abuse at a young age will have helped ‘program’ her brain.
Unfortunately this can lead to her exhibiting similar traits when she herself is in a difficult situation and feeling overwhelmed.
I would advise setting clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not. It is better done in a calm but very firm tone rather that ‘loosing your shit’.
You mentioned that when you have ‘pulled her up on things’ the behaviour had improved for a short while; that’s a sign that she has a good level of self awareness and control but needs reminders when her behaviour slips. I would continue to point out when her attitude needs to improve and also praise any positive change.
Acknowledging that It’s tough coping with the situation, being cooped up together, and talking through strategies to help make it easier for everybody can bring improvement.
Lastly when you are both calm and you’re both feeling relaxed it could be an opportunity to explore how the experiences of DA made you both feel. Having understanding and empathy for shared experiences will help strengthen your bond.
Hope things improve for you all soon.

The way people infantilise young adults on Mumsnet is ridiculous. The brain is considered fully developed by age 22 when neural pruning finishes. The prefrontal cortex is slightly underdeveloped in the late teens but not so much that it would explain away abusive and obtuse behaviour (like beginning to physically assault your own mum).
Treating young people as if they are not responsible for their behaviour gives them an excuse to act badly and sadly I see it all the time (and have done with my SIL who is the same age as me).

I agree...

My 21yr old hasn't seen his father since he was 2yrs old. Completely no contact. They have the same laugh, the exact same interests and also the same tendency to obsess over their health whilst doing nothing to help themselves. Really strange.

From a counsellors point of view there is absolutely zero point insisting anyone gets counselling. Will be a waste of time and money.

She does get it I think if she is normally a kind and nice person.
Circumstances are different and what is happening is that she hasnt found a way to deal with her frustration due to the lockdown. So she has fallen back onto what she knows - what her dad did.

She needs to learn other ways to deal with it (going out for a run/cycle ride/walk would be a good start).
You might also have a talk as a family and see what is a trigger for each of you. But also wnat are the boundaries of the acceptable/not acceptable for everyone. (I am going to assume that if you are not the only one to walk on eggeshell, then she is like this with her siblings).
And I would talk about abusive behaviour and how being so grumpy etc is making people walk on eggshell and how it is not acceptable. Ever. You dont have to mention your ex. It has nothing to do with him after all. But it might be the kick in the arse she needs to realise how bad her behaviour is atm.

When you mentioned misphonia, any chance they're both autistic? Could be inherited.

The abuse is a separate issue. I would come down on abuse like a ton of bricks, no excuse or, yes, she absolutely should be put out of the house. Her choice.

It’s a textbook case of misophonia.