I’d never say my dd is just like her dad but she is..

[rainbowlou]

Her biological dad has not seen her for about 5 years, messages her a few times since then but that’s the extent of their contact!
He was an extremely abusive (physically, emotionally and financially) when we were together and she does unfortunately remember some incidents but not all.
He would lose his temper at the slightest thing, be incredibly grumpy, sulk, slam doors, shout etc.
In company would do things slyly, eg, walk past me but step on my foot, elbow me. Give me a hug but be pinching me. I was constantly walking on eggshells shells to avoid ‘winding him up’.
Anyway! Over the last few weeks my dd (19) who is quite quiet, likes her space but also is usually incredibly kind, considerate and lovely has obviously been forced into spending a lot more time with us than usual.
She worked shifts and her job has now ended, and she spent a lot of time with her boyfriend which she now can’t do.
She is now so intolerant of us all, and guess what? we are all treading on eggshells around her! She is constantly in a mood, won’t sit in the same room as anyone eating, ‘accidentally’ bumped/elbowed into me countless times, shouting at the dog for licking his paws, shouting at her sibling for no reason at all, making a huge point of stomping out of the room if I dare brush my hair/paint nails/ drink my tea etc...slams doors if her behaviour is mentioned and stays in her room for hours. (I do believe she has misophonia but that’s a whole different thread as she refuses to accept it!)
It suddenly occurred to me today I actually feel like I’m living with him again..I can’t stand it anymore!
I’ve explained to her this is shit for us all and we all need to be more tolerant or we won’t get along but it falls on deaf ears.
I don’t want to tell her she is like her dad because she knows what an arse he is but fuck me I feel like I’ve gone back in time!
Telling her to move out isn’t a solution right now, she has nowhere to go, has no money and we financially cannot help her with this.
Sorry that was so long! Do I insist she gets some counselling? I just don’t know what to do before my head explodes with trying to keep everyone calm 😕

My dd has misophonia. She is finding lockdown challenging, and her father is finding her misophonia (and her reactions) challenging!

Just keep taking breathers. When she's calm later talk to her about how her blow ups make you feel. It's everyone's home, and you all need to feel comfortable there- that includes you.

Well. Ime bully or be bullied.

I don't mean bully as in proper bully, but be sharp and vocal and STRONG. Don't pussyfoot around, say it straight, forcefully. Get up close and personal : you will NOT put up with this shit.

Ime it's the only thing that works with bullies. Short and very sharp.

@Noti23
I completely agree with you.
I'm guilty of it myself too!

My generation were often away at university managing on small grants at 16 and 17.

Also working and fully supporting themselves.

OP, it is a trying time and yes some teenagers can be very cranky.

However, I think I would absolutely go mental if anyone gave me a dig...

I wouldn't care but I would put her out of the house.

She needs to be sat down and it spelt out to her.

You have one person making a stressful situation worse...

That can't be allowed.
You can't allow that to occur.

There are deal breakers in relationships...even between adult and young adult...

You being given a dig by your 19 year old is one of those deal breakers, and personally I'd have her bag packed and I'd mean it....

Total deal breaker.

You need to spell it out to her and if she can't adjust her behaviour tell her leave.

You'd want to be some brat to give your mother a dig...

Pull her up on it every time. Why should you put up with this from her, you wouldn't accept this behaviour off someone you worked with. I also doubt she'd behave like this at work. Would she elbow someone out if the way at work or school?

Just because her brain isn't fully developed yet doesn't give her the right to physically and emotionally abuse you and your family. She's in YOUR home!

You wouldn't excuse this from toddler or child, you'd teach them manners and what they can and can't do. She's no different.

She obviously knows her behaviour isn't on as she apologies and improves for a period of time.

She's not your ex, stop being frightened of her.

Maybe you should tell her she is coping her father-spell it out to her.

Not making excuses for her but does she suffer from misophonia? It's an intense and intolerable dislike of certain noises eg. eating/chewing noises, slurping tea etc.. it can cause anger and violent outbursts. You mention several times her intolerance is when you're eating, drinking tea etc.. just something to consider.

Also the dog licking his paws, that is a slurping sound and would trigger someone with misophonia.
If it's not that please don't tell her she is like her abusive father! Tempting as it is, that label will stick with her and once you say those words you can't undo them. She knows you hate her dad so telling her she's just like him is going to make her feel like shit. If she's still like this after lockdown then get her into therapy like CBT.