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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Talk me down please

34 replies

wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:03

I did a stupid thing last night.
I got involved with sexting somebody I had just me over tinder . Didn't send photos despite his best efforts to get me to.
I feel really sleazy and am disgusted with myself.
He told me midway that he lied about his age and was 29 not 44 as he had said !
He seemed really eager , wanted to add me on social media etc and now I'm worried that My messages will be shared or that he will become too full on.
Please talk me down . Am I over reacting to what I did ?what do I do ?
I've never done this before .
I am newly separated .
Thanks

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/04/2020 09:05

Did you send photos or was it just texts?

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:06

Just texts

OP posts:
QueenArnica · 11/04/2020 09:10

Don’t be hard on yourself OP, he’s a sleaze bag slime ball and sadly he probably won’t be the last you encounter.

You didn’t send photos which is the main thing. Block and move on and in future trust your gut and only do what you’re comfortable with.

Sending a 2m apart hug x

category12 · 11/04/2020 09:10

You're fine. He's not going to share texts.

Were you drinking? If so, it's probably the beer fear.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:12

Yes I was.. too many wines ! Thanks for reassurance . I feel sick. Only photos he has access to are the tinder ones which are clean.

OP posts:
Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:16

He seemed a bit full on . If I block him i worry that he will share the texts .

OP posts:
category12 · 11/04/2020 09:21

Block him on your social media if you added him, and don't worry.

Letting him have access because you're afraid of something he might do, will just prolong his "power" over you. If he tells you he's going to share your texts if you don't send him pics, what would you do then?

Has he actually threatened to share your texts or anything? Where's this coming from?

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:27

No he hasn't threatened at all . It's just my fear. If anything his texts were extreme and mine were much more non commital in that I didn't give away a whole amount .
I'm just worried that they will get into the wrong hands. He just seemed intense . I don't know much about this scene .in fact I don't Know anything .

OP posts:
category12 · 11/04/2020 09:32

So, with the best will in the world, it's all in your head.

Block him. Forget about it. Have a fry-up.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:35

Thanks ! I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/04/2020 09:42

Sorry, I'm trying be bracing rather than mean Brew.

It's the beer fear and all the crap that's going on, this thing has become magnified for you. It's nothing to worry about, honestly. Chin up.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:44

Thanks! Is it a common occurrence?

OP posts:
Dery · 11/04/2020 09:46

Hi OP

Firstly - stop beating yourself up, immediately! You've done nothing to feel ashamed of.

However, it does sound as it went further than you personally were comfortable with and as if you were somewhat pressured into the situation. So make the experience work for you - learn from it. You have learned several things here: for example, that people often lie about themselves on social media and that you may well come under pressure to do things you don't want to do. So you need to be clear about your boundaries. Don't get involved in sexting just because the person you're speaking to wants it - only do it if you want to do it. Also just because you have begun sexting doesn't mean you have to keep doing it - it's perfectly acceptable to stop at any time if you don't feel comfortable.

Don't engage with this person again at all - you know he's lied to you. He's shown he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to get what he wants. You don't need to worry about him becoming too full on - just block him (or do whatever it is you do on Tinder to end communication) and move on. Now. You don't owe him sexy chat and you don't owe him a relationship. You owe him precisely nothing. You owe yourself everything.

Tinder may not be the right place for you at this point because you are just starting out and it sounds like you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. You say you are newly separated - so now is the time to find out what you want and what works for you. And take your own sweet time to do so!

category12 · 11/04/2020 09:50

Quite frequently guys will try to turn chat into sexting - if you're not comfortable with it, just shut them down, delete and block. Only do what you're happy with and can live with in the morning.

Remember they're supposed to be interesting/appealing to you, not you trying to win them over.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:51

Thanks so much. I am very troubled this
Morning but I have just blocked him and delete his friend requests . He still has my number though , but I hope he won't use it.

OP posts:
Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 09:52

What a learning curve this past few weeks has been. I deleted tinder too as it just isn't for me.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 11/04/2020 09:57

Rest assured he will have done this with many others and will carry on doing so. I don't mean this in a mean way but he won't think you're special, you served a purpose and he'll just move on to the next one.
I mean who would he share your messages with anyway? Stop stressing and just learn from the experience.

2020changedtheworld · 11/04/2020 09:58

Juet remember (pre lockdown) that a lot of these are blokes in a pub/ blokes indoors/flatmates doing this together having a 'laugh' Hmm to see who can get the most pictutes etc. They will be messaging loads of women at the same time.

letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2020 10:02

We have all made silly mistakes, block him, my guess is he will move on to another person - sadly he probably gets his kicks out of it 💐

thequeenbeyondthewall · 11/04/2020 10:14

I think you have got beer fear OP. The lockdown isn't helping either because you can't meet
Your mates over a drink and have a laugh about it.

Look at it as if it was one of your friends, they got a bit pissed and send a few risqué messages to someone they were chatting to online. It's nothing to worry about and you'd tell them the same.

You are not still in contact and he's not going to show the messages to anyone. Why would he?

What would he say? "OP sent me some rudeish text messages"

Nine out of ten people would just laugh and say "so fucking what".

Chalk it up to something you are not comfortable with and block and delete anyone who try's to steer you that way message wise.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 10:33

I cannot thank you all so much. I feel much calmer now.
I did feel somewhat pressured but didn't stop it either. So glad that any photo access he had was clean.
I imagine he is bored at home and has a thing for older women!
I really appreciate you all

OP posts:
Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 12:05

He has just used my
Phone number to message me asking why I blocked him etc. He isn't quite pleading but he has messaged five times hoping we will meet again and wants to chat etc. Knew he was intense but this!!
Shall I just return a text saying that lying is a dealbreaker and that's that

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 11/04/2020 13:26

Meh, I did this loads when I was in the tinder phase. No biggy.

category12 · 11/04/2020 13:27

Just block his number, OP.

Original poster
wastedhandbag · 11/04/2020 13:44

He is now ringing and desperate to talk. I've told him no I . Feel terrible . Can I block a phone number ?

OP posts:
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