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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s gone

49 replies

Heartburn888 · 10/04/2020 15:31

So I posted a bit back about my ex and that he’s an arsehole, prefers beer and drugs over his family and that we had split but I was waiting until lockdown was over before turfing him out.

Anyway, I have done it. I have told him to go. Today

The final straw was that today he has gone to go meet his mate at a pub under the rouse of doing maintenance work to the crown green bowling area. He’s going to get pissed and he thinks I’m stupid. The risk to my 4 month old son he hasn’t considered and also that he’s been working all week his first thought isn’t to spend time with his son but to go out and get legless.

He was leaving and I said it would be nice to have a break and to have someone to talk to during the day. He said you’ve ignored me al day and left.

I’ve sent him a message saying don’t come back to this house I’m packing your clothes and you can fuck off.

His clothes are half packed (taking a break to settle my boy) but not sure what to do with them - leave them outside or what? He has a key to my house but the house is in my name.

I’m a mix of emotions at the minute, upset my ‘family unit’ life hasn’t worked out. Excited because I know in my heart it’s what I really want. I’ve worked out some bills and I can just about manage to afford the house by myself and also pay some debts off too. I’m sad for him that he won’t get to wake up with our son every morning anymore. But most of all I’m feeling empowered that I’ve finally had the courage to say enough is enough and to stop letting him treat me like a doormat.

I’ll be honest, I’d of let him stay for longer after the lockdown for an easy life. But I just can’t do another day. I do everything in the house, for our son, for his kids, for him and it’s never appreciated and he will always find something I haven’t done or find a way of Criticising me. No more will I have to walk on eggshells around him.

Sorry if it’s a bit jumbled, but I’ve finally done it. And I’m proud of myself.

OP posts:
Jeleste · 10/04/2020 15:43

Sounds like you did the right thing!
I would leave his bags outside and lock the door leaving the key in, so that he cant open it.
If he bangs on the door or is loud coming home i would call the police.

MrsGrindah · 10/04/2020 15:46

Fabulous! Now get on with the rest of your life.Enjoy your son, enjoy your space and do not give him a backward glance!

NoMoreDickheads · 10/04/2020 15:49

Great work! xxxxx

sleepyhorse · 10/04/2020 15:49

Did you say he’s gone to the pub? What pub is actually open in lockdown?? Have I missed something

NoMoreDickheads · 10/04/2020 15:52

Locksmiths are allowed to work so you could call one out.

I agree with PP about the pub- that shouldn't really be happening.

RedRed9 · 10/04/2020 15:55

The final straw was that today he has gone to go meet his mate at a pub under the rouse of doing maintenance work to the crown green bowling area.

Err... what?

Otherrooms · 10/04/2020 16:23

So he's gone to a pub to do 'maintenance work' but they're selling alcohol?

ukgift2016 · 10/04/2020 16:29

This reply has been deleted

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Heartburn888 · 10/04/2020 16:37

ukgift2016 - cool story?

Yes I’m not sure of the details but I know that’s what he’s gone to do and I know it should not be happening.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/04/2020 16:40

Well done OP. No loss.

Best of luck.
Call the police and tell them where he has been.
Get the locks changed if you can.
Leave your key in the door at all times, it will prevent him being able to use his key.

Flowers
Twisique · 10/04/2020 16:47
Flowers
Heartburn888 · 11/04/2020 17:26

Update - he came back to the house and promised if I let him in he would get his clothes and go. He didn’t go. Started calling me names and getting in my face.

I’ve packed mine and my boy a bag and we’ve come to stay with my sister. Yes you might be thinking why did I open the door and why didn’t I ring the police. I am scared of him in a way and worried that social services will come sniffing round my son.

I have spoken to my dad and he has a spare barrel lock and is coming to change it on Tuesday when ex goes to work because he has a key currently so it’s not like I could of gone out and waited until he had left. It also gives me chronic anxiety him being outside whilst I’m there.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 11/04/2020 17:53

Well you’ve made a big mistake in leaving your own home. Good luck getting back in.

Heartburn888 · 11/04/2020 18:04

It’s my house and he needs to leave for work on Tuesday so I’ll be going in and changing the lock so he doesn’t have any access

OP posts:
LexMitior · 11/04/2020 18:08

It’s the fact you left that worries me. He knows exactly how to push you out of your own house???

Bad move. I think you didn’t think exactly what he’s going to do with all his time in your property?

Holothane · 11/04/2020 18:11

For now leave keys in your lock, but first leave his stuff outside that includes any cds tech that is his ect, well done on getting rid.

2020changedtheworld · 11/04/2020 18:15

You had to do what you had to do.

Flowers
MrsGrindah · 11/04/2020 18:17

What if he changes the lock first? I know it your house but if he’s that much of a dickhead he might. What if he refuses to let your Dad in, doesn’t go to work etc?

Heartburn888 · 11/04/2020 18:28

He doesn’t have a change of lock and he doesn’t drive to go and get himself one.

If he damages the house then that’s what he does there’s nothing I can do about it but I couldn’t stay there with Him

He is texting me now asking where I have gone and if he doesn’t get a reply within the hour he is ringing the police as he doesn’t think I am in a good place mentally and is worried for us both. I don’t want to tell him where I am but I’d want to know where he was if he had taken our baby out of the house. Kind of welcoming him ringing the police because I’ll tell them why Im where I am??

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 11/04/2020 18:32

Don’t engage with him. Are you safe in case he guesses where you are? Might he come to your sisters? Not trying to frighten you but you need to think about how this scenario could play out. Make sure the doors are locked and first sign of trouble call the police. Keep his messages as proof.

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2020 18:37

Well done but given how much you’ve accepted so far and your less than convincing resolve ‘where do I put his stuff’ and ‘feeling sorry for him not waking up to your son’, there’s a good chance that you’ll let him talk you round.

The euphoria round kicking him to curb will soon rub off and then you will left alone with the reasons why you didn’t get rid of him sooner.

Bag up all his shit, every last shirt and razor. Leave no excuse for you to let him back in. Arrange for a locksmith to change the locks, go online and check benefits and any other single parent entitlements, draft a parenting agreement etc. Start doing things that will signal to yourself that the split is permanent.

Stay strong, the split is in the best interests of you and your child. He was never going to be the person you desperately wanted him to be.

AuditAngel · 11/04/2020 18:42

Ignore him. Let him call the police.

Let the police call you. You can tell them what he’s been up to, and assure that that, now you are away from him, you and your son are safe.

Heartburn888 · 11/04/2020 18:43

I don’t think he would come round to my sisters, my sister wouldn’t take any shit and I think he knows that.

Yes I know I’ve been weak but I can’t help my emotions but I want him gone and for this to be it now. I’ve had enough, totally and completely.

I’ve never had to do this before so sorry I don’t know exactly what to do and have reached out to MN for advice and as I said I am scared of him in a way. I thought it would be easier in my own mind than what it is but I am satisfied that he knows that this is it. He has said things about having my son full time and letting me see him 1 day a week which says to me that he is desperately trying to get inside my head but I know no judge would ever award him full custody of our child.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 11/04/2020 18:43

You really need to get back to your house.

Why are you scared to claim your own home?

I’m serious when I say you need to get it back. Right now you have a man who has bullied you out of your home. Next he’s going to ring the police because he’s worried for your welfare and thinks you have a mental problem.

Do you see how that makes you bad? Do you think that he’s not going to ring social services after you get your Place back?

I get you are scared of this man but he’s already manipulating you and will do the same to the authorities. Hiding won’t solve it.

MrsGrindah · 11/04/2020 18:44

Nobody is calling you weak. Just encouraging you to stay safe . You really can’t predict his behaviour in these circumstances.