He’s gone

[Heartburn888]

So I posted a bit back about my ex and that he’s an arsehole, prefers beer and drugs over his family and that we had split but I was waiting until lockdown was over before turfing him out.

Anyway, I have done it. I have told him to go. Today

The final straw was that today he has gone to go meet his mate at a pub under the rouse of doing maintenance work to the crown green bowling area. He’s going to get pissed and he thinks I’m stupid. The risk to my 4 month old son he hasn’t considered and also that he’s been working all week his first thought isn’t to spend time with his son but to go out and get legless.

He was leaving and I said it would be nice to have a break and to have someone to talk to during the day. He said you’ve ignored me al day and left.

I’ve sent him a message saying don’t come back to this house I’m packing your clothes and you can fuck off.

His clothes are half packed (taking a break to settle my boy) but not sure what to do with them - leave them outside or what? He has a key to my house but the house is in my name.

I’m a mix of emotions at the minute, upset my ‘family unit’ life hasn’t worked out. Excited because I know in my heart it’s what I really want. I’ve worked out some bills and I can just about manage to afford the house by myself and also pay some debts off too. I’m sad for him that he won’t get to wake up with our son every morning anymore. But most of all I’m feeling empowered that I’ve finally had the courage to say enough is enough and to stop letting him treat me like a doormat.

I’ll be honest, I’d of let him stay for longer after the lockdown for an easy life. But I just can’t do another day. I do everything in the house, for our son, for his kids, for him and it’s never appreciated and he will always find something I haven’t done or find a way of Criticising me. No more will I have to walk on eggshells around him.

Sorry if it’s a bit jumbled, but I’ve finally done it. And I’m proud of myself.

If you left the house because you're scared of him and he has no legal right to be there, call the police now and tell them so. They should escort you back there and make sure he leaves, even if they have to arrest him for breach of the peace of he refuses to leave.

OP what a horrible day you've had, fwiw I was under the impression that the Police are on high-alert for domestic abuse (and really that's what this is). You can always call them yourself particularly if you want to return to your home tonight. You've been hustled out of your own home for fear of him, who has been drinking. They can help you re-access your home.

You would be wise to call the police first and let them know what's what.

Perhaps they can get him out of your house too. But considering you have already left, probably not. Though you could report him for threatening behaviour and if they take him out to question him, get back in and change the locks...

If he goes to work Tues, be prepared for him to lock you out. Have a locksmith go with you when you go back.

He has said things about having my son full time and letting me see him 1 day a week
I wouldn't give him any unsupervised access at all. If he keeps him and refused to give him back there's nothing you can do except a lengthy court process, in the meantime you don't have your tiny baby and he's in the "care" of this alcoholic idiot. If he wants unsupervised contact, get a court order asap setting out who has residency and the contact details asap. Then if he tries to keep him beyond the court ordered hours, police will be able to make him give him back. But before then get any abusive behaviour on record. Call the police, get him out of your house.

Keep notes on the things he says and any messages he sends. Might be wise to speak to women's aid. He is an abusive piece of shit and all his kind spout that crap about taking your children. They never actually do it (cause no way si they want to look after a kid 6 days per week) Even if they tried, the judge will pretty much always find in favour of the mother.

Speak to the police. The more record they have of his bullshit, the better.

He is texting me now asking where I have gone and if he doesn’t get a reply within the hour he is ringing the police as he doesn’t think I am in a good place mentally and is worried for us both.

Manipulative c*nt.

I've heard that one before too.

As others have said maybe you call the police and say you left with your child because he was verbally abusive, getting in your face, aggressive etc. and is in your house without your agreement/permission etc.

He has said things about having my son full time and letting me see him 1 day a week

Also classic line.

I'll take the kid/s - pure classic abuser.

Time to speak to women's aid, write down everything he's done that looks bad with dates as accurate as you can remember. Keep all his communication now.

Poor baby thinks he's out on his ear, out of his soft spot (with you doing everything) fod the second time (his ex clearly wanted him gone too) and is hustling hard with every angle he can think of to make you back down.

Why would they not be able to get him out if I have already left if it’s my house? I’ve asked him to leave and he said he would be he hasn’t and I have left for fear of it escalating and I don’t want my son around that.

I am not backing down this time. No chance.

I have not come this far nothing.

Call them from nearby your home. Tell them you have had to leave your own home for fear of violence from your partner. Then they will hopefully come and remove him.

But because you have left and are out of danger in another house, they might argue that because he lives in your home too, he has some rights and because you are not in current danger, the house issue as as a civil matter. Though I'm sure they would still want to talk to him if you tell them about the threatening behaviour.

Basically you need to act fast.

I could be wrong, they might remove him for you anyway. But I have a feeling they wont want to act as baylifts.

Ps: obv dont put yourself at risk again.

You need to phone the police and start building a file against him. You’ll need it for the upcoming contact/custody arrangements etc. It looks bad that you’ve left the house with your son and he’s already turning the situation around to use against you. He’s building a profile against you with text messages which I promise you he’s planning on keeping. He’s trying to make you look unhinged absconding with the baby, while he’s supposedly desperately worried about your mental health and considering phoning the police himself to help you. He might even do it aswell as that makes his case even stronger. All while you’ve left the house due to being in potential danger/abuse but you refuse to leave the house yourself. The best thing you can do is phone the police, tell them you asked him to leave as he broke the lockdown, put you and the baby and danger, and he made you feel threatened to the point that you have had to leave your own house

If you left the house because you're scared of him and he has no legal right to be there, call the police now and tell them so. They should escort you back there and make sure he leaves, even if they have to arrest him for breach of the peace of he refuses to leave.

This. Call the police. Report him for being abusive.

I don’t understand how it looks bad that I’ve left? I have messages to him saying that I want him to go and he’s made me leave by not leaving himself because I don’t want to be around him.

I don’t see how it makes me unhinges but I do feel like I’m playing a dangerous game now and that I should be worried and a custody battle??

It isn't as simple as making him leave, if he's changed the locks and you can't gain access he can refuse to leave and generally the police won't intervene as it's domestic...think how long it takes to get squatters out... people who have broken in, caused damage and have zero legal right to reside there?

If you left the house because you're scared of him and he has no legal right to be there, call the police now and tell them so. They should escort you back there and make sure he leaves, even if they have to arrest him for breach of the peace of he refuses to leave.

This. As soon as you possibly can, as in tonight. Now.

You let him in because he said he would leave again but then refused and you were scared so took your son and left.

You now feel afraid to go back and as a woman with a child you won't feel safe getting back into your home without support from police but you need their help tonight because it is your home and he is only there by tricking you into letting him back in and intimidating you into leaving.

Do it now!

Could your sister or someone perhaps accompany you home and stay with you tonight?

No one is saying it makes you look bad...?
What we are saying is if your partner lives with you the he could claim he has a right to stay there. As other ppl have said, he could claim some sort of squatters rights. Which basically means it could take time and effort and court to remove him if he now refuses you entry (not that he will of course).

Where as if you had just called the police as soon as you had exited they would have viewed it as domestic violence and came out and removed him in order to let you go back in safely.

Hopefully they still will if you do it tonight. You need to get back in there and him out asap.

But no, I wouldn't worry about a custody battle. No way does he want to look after a baby by himself right?

Might be wise to speak to a solicitor about your next moves though. Preferably one who has dealt with cases with abusive spouses in the past.

There will be no custody battle. He abuses drugs and alcohol and clearly has anger issues there is not a judge in the land that would hand over your son to him. Imo you did the right thing. Keep out of the way and stay safe....You're no good to your son if you're in a situation which you feel is unsafe. Take care xx

Speak to a solicitor about an occupation order which will evict him from your house. I left my abusive partner and had to do this to get him out of my house. I was like you I couldn’t live like that anymore so I left as he wouldnt go. He was only allowed back to get his stuff if he was escorted by the Police. It’s really tough but you have done the hardest bit. You should be really proud of yourself.

Him telling you hell call the police if you dont tell him where you are is controlling behaviour, hes using it as a threat. Good on you for getting out, it was better than staying in there with him, PLEASE call the police though, no one will take your son. Call a womens dv charity too, just for advice. If you need him out your home, you need the police and it doesn't sound for a second he is going to go quietly. I know his type, hell make it so hard, its easier to be with him than apart. Ask for a domestic violence protection order or DVPO, they can put bail conditions on, non molestation orders, restraining orders. Dont let that bastard win, if you need someone to message, im more than happy to help where i can. You got this💪🏻

Hi, I work with and support victims of domestic abuse.
You must call the police. You must keep ONE line of communication open, often the perpetratorbwill eacilate their behaviour if they feel they are being ignored ie try looking for you. The attending officer will issue the perpetrator a DVPN this could be what you may need to remove him from your property. At the same time of it can be later a DVPO will be applied for through the courts. This will give you a min of 14 to 28 days breathing space to decide what you want to do next. You may be asked if you want a referral to a domestic abuse charity....this is entirely up yo you. I do, however have concerned with the fact you have advised you are "scared" and that you have a very small baby.
There are processes out there to protect you and your child if you ferl you need it. Know you ARE NOT ALONE.