I wonder if anyone can give me some advice - I can’t decide whether I am going mad, am oversensitive, overreacting, projecting or am indeed living with an increasingly bossy, and critical husband.
I’ve been meaning to ask on here for a couple of years but held back - usually my emotions subside and I feel bad airing it all to strangers. But the other night I had a dream (I never remember them usually but I think the lockdown has disrupted the circadian rhythm) where I woke up crying because he was murdering me, but not quickly, but kicking me to death for hours and between each beating he was screaming about what a shit mother I was, a know-it-all, a shrew, a dried up old hag, cold and horrid, an emotional bully
For background, I grew up as an only child with a violent/ emotionally bullying father (who killed himself when I was adult) and a very young mother who rather treated me as a sibling but who was also very loving and looked after me really well and took pains to explain and discuss emotions. At heart she is a very sunny and easy going person. They were, however, not in the least controlling. I was raped on a study year abroad and the childhood coupled with that (and my parents and boyfriend back in Oxford not accepting I was raped) led me to attempt suicide and I spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital. I have had no serious mood issues since then really but at age 48 I am on HRT (in part because I think the dynamic with my husband convinced me that along with other physical symptoms I was having severe mood swings.
DH grew up with a sweet but absent and enabling father and a very controlling and mercurial mother who was obsessed with appearances and who is an Olympic Gold martyr.
We have been together since university and work in the same industry, part time (me four early shifts, him, 2 nights) so we can look after our two daughters (8 and 12)
To onlookers (including my mother who lived with a man who never lifted a finger domestically) he is perfect, he cooks and cleans and does laundry and DIY and looks after the children.
I feel that the issues may stem from this meshing of roles in a way. I feel that he views domestic chores competitively - he hates doing them (i grew up finding chores quite zen actually as it was a respite from the chaos and upset) but makes me feel so bad if I haven’t immediately sprung up to hang out laundry or put it away — he’s told me off about it a few times so I now make sure I do it. He will reload the dishwasher loudly when I’ve done it and pointedly ask about the water level in the coffee machine, salt in the softener. If I’ve got in there before I’m told “well done”. I find myself preempting him getting home with a mad dash of doing the things he’s bothered about (making bread dough, laundry, dishwasher - weirdly he couldn’t give a toss about hoovering) to stop any tutting.
I get up early - like 5am early before work to unload dishwasher even on days when he is off.
If the radio is playing music he doesn’t like he’ll make some passive aggressive comment about it - either invoking that the children need to listen to upbeat radio 1 instead and if that doesn’t work he’ll just turn it off.
He is rarely direct, it’s always “do you want ME to do x y z?” meaning I need to spring into action. He constantly tells me the chores he’s done (as Iif somehow I won’t know that the laundry is done)
This is all minor really but I feel like a child who can’t quite do well enough. I cook and clean tidy up like a demon (not his skillset)
All holidays are decided by him - I can have some say maybe in which villa etc but if he didn’t like it it just wouldn’t happen. Cars (even though i pay equally), houses - everything,
Basically life goes swimmingly if I do what he likes. And if anything goes wrong or gets lost, it’s usually my fault unless I can prove otherwise
If I ever raise anything, he immediately avoids or attacks me. He could never ever say sorry.
Eg His mother wanted to move from the country to London after his dad died. without me knowing he’d lined up a flat in the road next to us. apparently she’d been down to view it with him and she was about to put an offer in but I found the leaflet in the car and asked him about it and he flipped out and blamed me saying he couldn’t tell me because I’d go mental.
If I discipline our children and he feels I’m being harsh (he doesn’t discipline so i probably overcompensate) he will make out that I am abusive. I am not abusive but it’s a weak spot that he can play n to get me to stop. He tells my daughter when I am not there “don’t upset your mother, she’s under stress” - she of course tells me. But I am not under stress. He just doesn't like me telling them off.
Just this morning, my daughter was rude about an item of clothing I was sewing for her, i was downstairs and harrumphed about it and he said “I’m sure you’ll rise above it” in a pointed way. I raised my eyebrow and remarked that it sounded “rather pointed, why are you telling me what to do?” and I got told that I am always picking fights and he’s off to bed.
If I ever cried he wouldn’t comfort me.
That’s a tiny snapshot. Basically I feel like an abusive, bad tempered ogre who although I spend at least an hour or three on household duties isn’t doing it well enough. I realised one day that my work appraisals fell less harsh!
I don’t need to list my shortcomings here as they are made clear to me, directly and indirectly every day.
What do I do when that person is avoidant and shifts the blame?