Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anyones relationships start in an affair. Do you trust each other now

69 replies

Gre8scott · 10/04/2020 07:37

If you or your now partner was with someone else when you met has this always clouded your relationship. Like your waiting for it to happen again

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/04/2020 07:40

If you are the kind of person who thinks affairs are OK, why would you care?

Original poster
Gre8scott · 10/04/2020 08:00

Soup dragon
The point just flew right over your head

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/04/2020 08:11

Not at all.

My point clearly flew over yours though.

HugeAckmansWife · 10/04/2020 08:13

My marriage started as an affair (mine) and ended because of one (his). He is now married to ow and she keeps him on a very short leash. During the time we were married, it did always feel like it was there in the background.. When people asked how we met or whatever it wasn't a nice story. My parents made every effort to be welcoming but they never really got over 'losing' their first son in law because of their second. When he left for ow, everyone was lovely and supportive but I am certain there will have been some thinking it was karma. It never goes away.

TKAAHUARTG · 10/04/2020 08:16

Brilliant how you did not get SoupDragon’s point. 😂

Original poster
Gre8scott · 10/04/2020 08:16

No it didn't of course I dont think affairs are ok but they happen all the time and people go into long relation ships with the people they have affairs with
My question was had it caused issues throughout the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Gre8scott · 10/04/2020 08:17

Oh look it's the mn let's attack the op brigade out in force

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 10/04/2020 08:23

I should add that if a, relationship starts as an affair there is a, risk that they stay together so that it was 'worth it'. I discovered my exs affair, he didn't confess and it broke up our family. Even if somewhere down the line he wasn't happy with OW I think he'd stay because it sort justifies the cheating.. They really WERE soulmates etc rather than it being a grubby fling. Being totally honest, it's one of the, reasons I stayed with my affair partner until he cheated. I'd caused so much hurt it had to be 'worth it'. Not sure it's a good basis for a strong relationship

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/04/2020 08:23

My friend’s DF left her DM for the OW. They got married and had a DD together. Just recently, they split up because OW had cheated. I have to say, when my friend told me, I did think to myself that I wasn’t that surprised.

CollaborativeBee · 10/04/2020 08:24

My friend and her husband are very happy. But he had married very young, too young. By 25 he had 3 young children and it wasn't until about 40 before he took action. He had realised that they had both just married and had kids on auto pilot.

I think their marriage is good partly because he has experienced a bad marriage. My friend had to make compromises too. As he had 3 children already he was adamant that he would have one child with her and no more. Obviously she's had to live with some criticism from people who assume that his marriage was great til she came along.

user47000000000 · 10/04/2020 08:26

Ours started as an affair 8 yrs ago.

I’d say we do trust eachother but we are both aware of what eachother is capable of.

On the other hand we both know the worst thing about each others past and still love eachother immensely.

GeorgianaD · 10/04/2020 08:29

Affairs are repugnant. I know someone who had an affair with a married colleague. He was far more senior than her and I doubt it was his looks that attracted her, if I can put it that way. They’re married now but I do wonder about the foundations of their marriage. It’s unlikely to go the distance.

silentpool · 10/04/2020 08:29

I must admit I am curious about this as my husband is now loved up with his OW. I suspect they will be in the stay together so it is worth it camp.

user47000000000 · 10/04/2020 08:31

Georgiana - how well do you know them both? And how well do you know their relationship history? Are they generally badly matched or is your view based on the fact they started as an affair?

TKAAHUARTG · 10/04/2020 08:36

we are both aware of what each other is capable of
This is very honest, and very very sad.

lovelydream · 10/04/2020 08:40

You know what they say - marry the mistress and create a vacancy

Tennistime · 10/04/2020 08:40

I was unhappily married when I begun a casual affair. It wasn’t undertaken lightly, but I was desperate for some passion in my life and felt safe as the man lived very far away so we didn’t see each other often. He wasn’t involved in my daily life; he had a casual girlfriend.

It did a lot to boost my confidence.

We fell in love and eventually were able to be together.

Our “scandalous” behaviour was the talk of the town and cost us many friends and relatives.

We’ve been married over 35 years now, with a family of our own.

Our beginnings haven’t clouded our relationship, but even after all this time others still have an opinion. I would have expected time to have proved our worth, but apparently not. We have survived because we both chose to give up close family and wider acquaintances who feel they have a right to judge us.

We will never have the choice to stop being so strong.... and we’re grandparents now!

onlyconnect · 10/04/2020 08:42

I've often thought about this. I think that if you're with someone for a long time, not having an affair is down to that being a red line you won't cross. Almost everyone will get the chance at some point and will have periods in their long term relationship which are difficult. I could never trust anyone I'd met having an affair. They don't have the red line and would go it again.
I know this is simplistic and sometimes there are other, maybe justifiable, exceptional reasons for an affair but in general I don't think so.

Hannah021 · 10/04/2020 08:43

@SoupDragon very smart question... Very smart

CharDee · 10/04/2020 08:43

My brother and sister in law started off as an affair. He was cheating on his ex fiancé. SIL doesn't trust him at all, it ruined our relationship because he wasn't even allowed to go out with just me or with our group of mutual friends. If I went round the house he would tell me before hand not to mention certain people in case she got jealous. They moved abroad and she made him delete all social media too. It's really sad, he doesn't have any friends where they live apart from work colleagues and her friends husband is one of them. He apparently reports back how my brother behaves if they go out.

He's obviously a dick for cheating (although I did hate his ex) but she knows what he can get up to and is always scared he will do it again.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 10/04/2020 08:45

If you are the kind of person who thinks affairs are OK, why would you care?

This. You missed the point OP, not Soup

lovelydream · 10/04/2020 08:54

I think using the "unhappy" marriage card is an excuse

I wouldn't ever trust someone whether they cheated before me, with me or on me. You have to have a certain "loose" set of morals to cheat and I don't think people ever really change

Hannah021 · 10/04/2020 08:57

I would never have an affair, i refuse to look down at myself, i refuse to hurt ppl the way i'd hate to be hurt, i refuse to stab in the back, and once i lose trust in someone it is almost impossible to repair.

So i cant imagine getting over the affair. I would immediately review my current relationship and decide what to do, it is either revivable or get out of it, and only once it is over, i'll be able to move on.

@CharDee thats obsession, really scary

meemaw12 · 10/04/2020 09:10

Where does the op say that she thinks affairs are OK?

user47000000000 · 10/04/2020 09:19

You know, it’s so easy to think “I’d never do that” but in life you just don’t know how things will play out or how you will react.

I was someone who would have always have said “iWould NEVER have an affair”. Neither me or DP had ever cheated on an ex and I’m the type of person who always “plays by the rules”....

Swipe left for the next trending thread