Did anyones relationships start in an affair. Do you trust each other now

[Gre8scott]

If you or your now partner was with someone else when you met has this always clouded your relationship. Like your waiting for it to happen again

My relationship is the result of an affair. We’ve been together four years. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and he feels the same about me.

Yes, however we both left our relationships that weekend we met. Never looked back I trust him 100% and he does me! The best thing I ever did.

@notanotherpandemic You said much the same as I was trying to, but in a much more concise way!

I’ll make this simple. If you try and build your happiness on someone else’s misery then it will never work.

Cheating can tell you a lot about a persons character and lack of decency and morals.

Once a cheater always a cheater and when it happens to you it serves you right.

Facepalm @ cookies

user47000000000 you still haven't given examples of other areas where people happily 'give second chances' at huge risk to themselves.

I met my now dh when I was still in a relationship with someone else (had a mortgage together but not married). I've been with dh 11 years now and married for 9. We have 2 amazing dc. Best thing I ever did. My 'affair' started as I was not in love with my ex. He was verbally abusive, but I was young and naive and didn't know what to do. I look back now and wish I left my ex sooner. I know it's not what most people believe bit we are very happy together and still in love. My dh ex had cheated on him and split prior to us meeting. I don't think either of us worry about the other cheating as we trust each other. I am older and wiser now and would leave a relationship I was unhappy in rather than stay for the sake of a house and cheat but you live and learn.

My mum and stepdad were together three times longer than she was with my dad. She left my dad for my stepdad.

How weird to imagine that the current partner you are with is better than anyone you might leave them for, and that this must apply to absolutely everyone else too.

Like most people in the 1960s, my parents married young and without much life experience. They truly loved each other but they were 19 ffs.

I'm not saying that lying and cheating are ok, clearly they are not. But sentencing people to stay forever in stale relationships rather than act on feelings they may have for someone much more suited to them is regressive and limiting.

My dad remarried to my stepmum, they've now been together more than four times as long as my parents were together. They are the best couple I know, and have sustained through all manner of challenges.

In today's world, my dad would have been my mums fondly remembered first boyfriend and vice versa. But in the 1960s that wasn't the culture, so they did as expected and got married.

As for that shitty, sexist guff about creating a vacancy, how utterly dehumanising.

@MorrisZapp
I'm not saying that lying and cheating are ok, clearly they are not. But sentencing people to stay forever in stale relationships rather than act on feelings they may have for someone much more suited to them is regressive and limiting.

Fair enough - but that's not the point of the thread. There isn't a binary choice between "stay forever in a stale relationship" and "live a decietful, double-life in which you gaslight your partner for months before things change".

Nobody has to cheat though. You can leave and then start a new relationship if unhappy.

How weird to imagine that the current partner you are with is better than anyone you might leave them for, and that this must apply to absolutely everyone else too.
sentencing people to stay forever in stale relationships rather than act on feelings they may have for someone much more suited to them is regressive and limiting.

except nobody is saying that. It is possible to leave a relationship before starting a new one, some might say it's the decent thing to do.

The self justification from those who have had affairs is no surprise. I know I would never and will never have an affair because that would make me someone who cheats and that's not the person I want to be.

Initially it was hard. The guilt was crippling. I didn't trust him for years, he confessed he had never been faithful in a relationship before. 18 years down the line and I trust him. I obviously know he is capeable of cheating on me, but trust him not to so. It took several years to get to the point where I trusted him though.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that trust is only as good as the times you’re going through. It’s easy to be trusting when times are good. It’s when times get tough that it really gets tested. When you’re dealing with two small kids every day. In the aftermath of a serious illness. When one of you loses a job. During a bereavement that hits one (or both) of you hard.

So many of those who’ve cheated say they did so because their needs weren’t being met. So it’s hard to see why someone who imploded a family in their thirties and older especially, because of “needs” would put up with a situation that would ask them to put said “needs” on hold for the sake of another.

I’ve known so many who did so, only to have an affair as soon as the immediate crisis was over as they felt “entitled” to do something selfish after putting others first for some time.

And by “needs” I obviously don’t mean basic human rights - a non-abusive environment, etc. I’m talking stuff like not getting as much attention now there’s kids to compete with. Or your other half being quieter and less fun because their depressed after their mum died. Or not being able to go on those exciting holidays because one of you lost your job and money’s tight...

I had an affair with a man I worked with. It started out as a very drunken ONS but he pursued. I fell for his stories about how awful his wife was. How she didn't understand him. How mean she was to him. How she was basically abusing him. Said wife up and left with their two children to move to a different country. I got AP full time, and got to experience first hand what he's like. Can now safely say his wife left because he's an abusive piece of shit. AP and I ended when he was accused of sexually assaulting another colleague on a work night out. So, there you go. Karma and life lessons all round. The thing I regret the most is that I might have facillitated his abuse of ex-wife by being the fallback girl. It keeps me awake at night and I really, really wish I could undo what I did.

@c1JSU

My relationship is the result of an affair. We’ve been together four years. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and he feels the same about me.

Do you feel obliged to stay together because people told you it wouldn't work? Otherwise I can't understand why you would possibly stay together if you both feel this way?

My first relationship started with an affair - he was married and I had no idea, he told me he was separated, that he was living with his parents (i even stayed over in his bedroom at their house), I met them and his brother and nieces, he introduced me to his friends and colleagues. It was only when my dad saw him out with his wife that I found out. I forgave him, he left her and moved in with me, she filed for divorce. I trusted him, naively, but then he became abusive. For two years he terrorised me then he started going out with 'friends' and his birth mum (he'd been adopted and met his birth mum for the first time when I was with him) phoned me and asked who the girl was that he was seeing - he had told her we had spilt up. He left me for her, they are now married and have been together for over 20 years. I know he's still unfaithful (he messaged me for years asking to meet up, I was happily married so just ignored him) but whether she knows, I don't know. I will never date again, because I was lucky with DH but know that I have terrible judgement in general.

DH was my best friend - we had dated a bit but I hadn’t thought he was so keen so called it off. We remained best friends. I started a relationship with a physically and emotional abusive liar I had moved abroad to be with. DH supported me through everything as a friend and we fell in love, as I tried to extricate myself from the emotional fuckwittery and horrible situation (for some reason took a lot more power than anticipated and I saw a therapist etc to help). In the end I would absolutely say we were having an affair, yes. It’s not something I am proud of. I would never, ever cheat on my husband. He’s the best person I have ever known and I am extremely lucky to have him. I doubt he would cheat on me, but as I was the adulterer I wanted to answer you from my side!

Ours did - dh's affair. I was single. We're still together 30 years later. I trust him.