I've just discovered the word "Phubbing" and suddenly my marriage makes much more sense. Anyone else being "phubbed" and hating it?

[mummabubs]

I love my DH, we've been together 6 years, married for 3 and have a 2 year old. I've felt for the past 9 months or so he's been emotionally detaching himself from our marriage and our family. He swears he still loves me, isn't interested in anyone else and feels he's going through a midlife crisis. (He's not yet middle aged by any stretch of the imagination!) Amongst other things over the past year or so I've felt increasingly upset by how much DH stares at his iPhone. Before the calls of affairs come in, I can see what he's looking at as he's sat right next me or in the same room 99.9% of the time. It's listings on ebay, an online forum for a hobby he has, WhatsApp with work colleagues etc. I feel so lonely and overlooked that I'm nearly at a point of questioning whether our marriage can work long term if he clearly doesn't want to spend any quality time with me or even value me or our son enough to engage with us for more than 5 minutes without the sodding phone coming out. Every day without fail when he's looking at his phone he either ignores me (not intentionally but just can't multitask) or worse he'll say something so I think he's heard me and then ask me the same question 2 minutes later or tell me that I've imagined saying something to him. It drives me nuts!! I ask him to spend time with his child and after 10 minutes he acts like that's his parenting done for the day and it's back to staring at his phone. Sometimes I hear our child asking him things and then giving up when he gets no response and playing by himself in front of DH sat on the sofa and it breaks my heart. I'm by no means a phone saint but I don't have my phone out when I'm with our son or when DH has said we'll have quality time together. I've asked whether he thinks he might be low in mood but he says no.

In any event, I read a cracking article tonight about "Phubbing" (phone snubbing) and a lot of my feelings suddenly make a lot of sense. I was just wondering if anyone else feels regularly "phubbed" and is happy to share any tips? Or to at least let me know I'm not alone in this. Thank you.

🙋🏻‍♀️ You are not alone! DH is also a phubber (or am I a phubber?!). Same thing with the DC....”Dad...dad...daad...daaaaaad” . I just find it insanely rude, especially at dinner. Don’t know how many times I’ve asked him to put his phone away for meals or how often I have to get his attention so he acknowledges one of the DC It just says “You are not as important as this person/skate boarding cat. I am choosing to give my attention to them. I might talk to you later, but probably won’t as I’m not as interested in what you have to say”. Rage inducing

I'm thankful to not be alone and equally sorry you're in the same position @Lolapusht I believe your DH is the phubber and you are the phubbed. 😉 I find if I talk to DH about his phone use he just gets defensive, and with lockdown I find myself even less likely to say how upset I feel as we're in a confined and stressful situation anyway without me adding my utter dispair and anger into the mix. I used to half jokingly threaten to destroy his phone in the night, but these days it's looking more tempting! He bought a brick phone a couple of years ago to do a digital detox, but then went back to the iPhone after a month, he then bought another brick phone thay had WhatsApp on it for his second detox and was back on the iPhone within a fortnight as he was on WhatsApp a lot but found it frustrating on the basic phone! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Give us strength eh.

Yes I feel your pain here! I am the same as you I can see what he’s doing and we both have each others passwords to each other’s phones and what not so I trust him 100% but like you say the “phubbing” drives me insane!!! Tonight I was making dinner and he was on FaceTime to his brother up the stairs as I was also in the middle of watching something and had paused the tv. I shouted him to come down dinners ready but low and behold......no reply so I shouted up again and yet again....NO BLOODY REPLY!!!!! so, and I know this is petty but his dinner sat and got cold and he came down just as I was finishing mine and said “ oh is that dinner ready?” And I said yeah it had been for half an hour.....enjoy! Tbh he has been a bit sheepish all night after that and he’s amazing in every other way it’s just when that bloody thing is in his hand it’s a nightmare to get him to engage in RL!!

Me! I am being phubbed too! Bathroom visits now last around 40 minutes minimum until I knock on the door. Lord knows how long he'd be in there if I left him to it.

I am also a PlayStation widow...

DP complains that I do this to him, though in reality we both do it to each other.

Particularly at the moment my phone is almost a way of socialising. I also am still v busy with work and find it hard to switch off so spend time checking emails and WhatsApping colleagues.

It is tricky. I need to make a real effort to switch off and engage with DP.

Ohh yes especially the bathroom thing. I’ve given birth faster than DH has had a shit when he’s taken his phone into the bathroom.

@Rubymonster

My ex was like this. He’d be on his phone almost 24/7, even when we were out on dates, and it drove me absolutely insane. I like my phone too but it’s always put away when I want to give someone or something my full attention.

I think this is a modern problem faced by almost everyone at some point, and it affects all manner of relationships, not just marriages.

Only thing you can do is discuss it calmly and maturely and attempt to change your habits. My DH and I both agreed to only use our phones for work stuff when the kids are around. We agreed to gently remind each other if one of us breaks this rule. Because we both know it's awful behaviour but we're both also human and get drawn into these things sometimes.

@ThirtyAndASmidgen sounds like my ex too. He was permanently attached. We'd even be out for dinner and he'd be on it. He'd also interrupt me when talking to show me a stupid video. It's just so rude. I've never ever felt as lonely as the two years I dated that idiot.

I'm possibly guilty of what your partner does. It's ultimately because I have some very niche interests and DH is not at all up for joining in...which I absolutely understand.

However, when DH told me he felt that I was never 'there' for him to chat to, I did make a big effort. I now go into the sitting room where he's sitting and spend time with him....we don't like the same films so no point doing that. I did find that we both like gardening and he likes it when I join in with that.

You've got to tell your DH clearly how you feel.

I’ve even walked out of several first dates after the man refused to put his phone away (actively using it; not just keeping it on the table), despite direct and repeated requests for him to put his phone away. I honestly despair at what the world has come to that people would do that on a first date.

Fucking hell! What rude bastards! Surely a very basic rule that everyone knows is “no phones at the table?

Not sure what to suggest that wouldn’t put you in the “mother making rules” role but he is behaving like a teenager. How attractive.

Perhaps you need to find something that totally captures your attention in the same way every time he needs your attention.

My dh is such a phubber! Great word. He's so defensive I can't be bothered to talk to him about it anymore. He's missed so much of our DC's childhood it's sad. What's more sad is that due to his phubbing (?) He has no bond with ds2. He won't even take a bottle from him I think it's because D's 2 never sees his face. Only his phone.

DC....”Dad...dad...daad...daaaaaad”

We have this in my house. It makes me so sad. It's not just because he's on his phone, so I don't know that he's a complete phubber. He's definitely a complete fucker though. He gets angry at me when I ask him to acknowledge his own child. I'm very used to being ignored by him but I can't abide seeing him do the same to her. It's one of the many reasons that I want to leave him. Unfortunately the sodding virus has wrecked my finances and leaving plans.

I'm sorry. It is heartbreaking. I try really hard not to do because I see dh do it so much and every time it reminds me that they're only little once and to make the most of it. So I guess that's a positive. My dh doesn't see anything wrong with it because his whole family do it. It's almost comedic to go to one or their family gatherings. All sit ignoring the children and instead staring at their phones playing stupid shit like candy crush.

Confession time - that was me until DH convinced me it was a problem. I used to be on my phone when I was anxious as it calmed me down but it was interfering with family life and in the long run did't make me feel better anyway. DH does the same to some extent but with a newspaper -he's old-school.

I feel there should be a support group for this... Spouses Against Phubbing? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Like a couple of you, I hate it because I feel lonely and rejected/ ignored but by far the worst effect is seeing our DS frequently ignored. DS also asks for me in preference, if I try and pass him to daddy for a cuddle he literally screams no and shouts for me. DH is always quick to say it's because I only work 3 days a week so DS sees more of me... Sure, except that's not only true on the 2 days I'm home alone with him! He sees more of me every day as I'm the one playing with him and talking to him rather than the magic box that's permanently in my hands!

@AstoAtora54 Sometimes my husband will agree it's problem, others he says it's me being OTT. I feel he's the same as you in that I don't think what he looks at actually makes him feel happy.

Yes it’s too much. But knowing what he is looking at? That’s fucking insane. You both sound really weird.

Send the article to your dh.

I have to confess to sometimes doing this. I have to make a conscious effort to put my phone / laptop away for a few hours a day otherwise I get lost in the land of rubbish. Affects DH and DC otherwise.

All day, every day.

I feel so alone. He stares at the phone constantly and I feel invisible.

PS. 40 minute trips to the bathroom ladies....they're not reading the weather unless pornhub has suddenly added a 7 day forecast to it's offerings.

No, we don’t have this problem at all and didint know it was a thing?

What’s the age range for people doing this? (As I wouldn’t say me and DH are old)

I do this when I'm stressed. I think it's almost a way of dissociating from reality. I know it's not healthy and I'm really trying to stop it (I think I have and try and just do it at designated chill times like now!).