I've just discovered the word "Phubbing" and suddenly my marriage makes much more sense. Anyone else being "phubbed" and hating it?

[mummabubs]

I love my DH, we've been together 6 years, married for 3 and have a 2 year old. I've felt for the past 9 months or so he's been emotionally detaching himself from our marriage and our family. He swears he still loves me, isn't interested in anyone else and feels he's going through a midlife crisis. (He's not yet middle aged by any stretch of the imagination!) Amongst other things over the past year or so I've felt increasingly upset by how much DH stares at his iPhone. Before the calls of affairs come in, I can see what he's looking at as he's sat right next me or in the same room 99.9% of the time. It's listings on ebay, an online forum for a hobby he has, WhatsApp with work colleagues etc. I feel so lonely and overlooked that I'm nearly at a point of questioning whether our marriage can work long term if he clearly doesn't want to spend any quality time with me or even value me or our son enough to engage with us for more than 5 minutes without the sodding phone coming out. Every day without fail when he's looking at his phone he either ignores me (not intentionally but just can't multitask) or worse he'll say something so I think he's heard me and then ask me the same question 2 minutes later or tell me that I've imagined saying something to him. It drives me nuts!! I ask him to spend time with his child and after 10 minutes he acts like that's his parenting done for the day and it's back to staring at his phone. Sometimes I hear our child asking him things and then giving up when he gets no response and playing by himself in front of DH sat on the sofa and it breaks my heart. I'm by no means a phone saint but I don't have my phone out when I'm with our son or when DH has said we'll have quality time together. I've asked whether he thinks he might be low in mood but he says no.

In any event, I read a cracking article tonight about "Phubbing" (phone snubbing) and a lot of my feelings suddenly make a lot of sense. I was just wondering if anyone else feels regularly "phubbed" and is happy to share any tips? Or to at least let me know I'm not alone in this. Thank you.

Omg @rubymonster, that’s hilarious

My partner is quite similar, if we’re watching something and he loses interest out comes the phone, and sometimes when we’re in bed, I could be reading and he’s watching stupid videos, five mins here and there would be fine but and hour of watching meaningless shite is irritating and I have to listen to it even though he has headphones on.

OP ... Why don’t you ask your OH when he’s in the mood that he’s agreeing slightly to look at his screen time, see how much time he’s using it, that might make him realise it’s unacceptable when he sees it in black and white.

@mummato3lads Three times per day? My husband just hides in there for 45 bloody minutes when the kids get demanding.

This is exactly what I’ve had through my marriage but not phone. PlayStation, computer screen, iPad snubbed. Is there a word for that? Devicesnubbed?

I watched my DH tell off our child for just asking me whether her friend had texted me (during dinner). 3 minutes later I glance across and he’s on his phone, actively texting!

He honestly doesn’t see the harm or hypocrisy in this. Or the horrible role modelling. I got very angry (the cold kind). I calmly told him that the next time I saw it, I would pick up his dinner plate and bin it without a word. And do it every time after. No yelling, no sulking. Just reciprocate the lack of respect and the sense of loss.

I’m still cooking sensational meals (if I say so myself) even with limited shopping (once a week) and all the extra work of homeschooling and running 2 businesses practically single-handed from home. He has...oh...roughly 18 hours a day/night to play on his phone and deal with his various comms needs. With no interruption. It’s just unconscionable to reach for the phone in the 2 hours he is face to face with us.

I’m fed up, and I don’t care if he starves and I look like a controlling bitch.

Nitpickpicnic you're not controlling I strictly maintain no screens at the table. My mil undermines me on this all the time!!

OP, some people are simply not suited to a family life, and it sounds like your husband is one of them.

It's nothing to do with technology - back in the day it was TV, or books, or the newspaper. Anything to shut out the incessant nuisance of having to interact with other people.

Many people realise that they shouldn't be parents AFTER their child is born. Which is understandable, because up to then, how would you know?

This is my life as well, but not as bad as some of you. Fortunately no children at home, and no devices at the dinner table. I just need some techniques to help me cope when it does happen, because I do feel alone and isolated when I'm being 'phubbed'. He thinks he's involving me when he reads interesting snippets! I am going to try to leave the room for a while, see if he notices....

@TKAAHUARTG... We're really not weird. He sits right next to me on his phone and I have eyes, or sometimes he'll just say something about what he's looking at. If anything I'd like to think that neither of us feeling secretive is possibly a good thing!?

@foghorn I did think about doing this and probably will. It was a gentle but informative article from Psychology Today online.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation You're likely right. He was amazingly involved and supportive during my pregnancy and in the first few months after DS' birth and then it's all gone downhill from there. I suspect he wants the freedom that having a child inherently limits. I've always been very keen to have a second child but I'm realising that it's not likely to ever happen, regardless of the phone situation.