Am I settling?

[Colourmylife1]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible! I'm in my late 50s, divorced for 5 years following ExDH's affair and I've been with someone I met OLD for 3 years. We are very much in love, we have lots in common and when we are together we have the greatest time. He has his own house but spends most of his free time at my house and contributes generously to the bills. He also pays for holidays, meals out etc including for my adult kids. They all get on really well. He plans ahead, talks about the future and says that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

BUT - he works away a lot of the time and also visits his DP on another continent for weeks on end without any certainty about when he will be back. So, overall we actually spend very little time together and moving in together and/or marriage is really not on the cards. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand I'm not sure I want to remarry, on the other hand I feel that if he really loved me he would want to marry me! I know how illogical that sounds.

At first he assured me that his crazy travel schedule would change and he would be working less. In time I've come to realise that nothing will change. He's actually someone who cherishes his freedom and wants to come and go as he pleases with reference to no-one. There will always be a reason for him disappearing off. If it's not work or parents it will be something else. I actually don't blame him for this and in some ways quite envy him. I don't have the same flexibility due to work and other commitments.

My dilemma is this - do I settle for what he is able to offer me? Or do I give him up in the hope that I'll meet someone 'perfect' (i.e. more dependable and more physically present) at my stage of life? I'm not scared of being on my own but I do worry that I will regret giving up on such a relationship which in many ways is supportive, loving and fulfilling.

Any advice?

@mindutopia Sorry I overlooked your response. It’s not really the distance but the lack of dependability or emotional availability when he’s away. It’s almost as if he can compartmentalise and he is not good at staying in touch on a regular basis which feeds my anxiety. I have explained and each time he promises it will be different but that usually only lasts for a few days!

@dontdisturbmenow I’ve thought that too that things will calm now and things will change. He is already travelling less for work ( self-employed) but it doesn’t seem a fundamentally good strategy to wait for him to get old so I can have him to myself

@Time40 yes, sometimes it does feel like a FWB albeit a super-charged one. But I can’t put the emotions to one side. I think you can progress from FWB to a relationship but not the other way round.

Sorry if I’ve missed any posts. I’m reading them all but I’m on my phone and it’s hard to scroll up and down. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond. It’s really helping me.

@BillHadersNewWife I don’t think I am being taken for a fool but I do think that everything is on his terms. It’s not quite living in 2 countries but in those cases I imagine it’s very much by consensus and you have shared goals and objectives. It doesn’t feel as mutual as that. When we’re together he’s great but last time he told me he was going to see his DM for a week he stayed away for a month! That’s quite typical unfortunately.

Once I retire I’ll be free to travel with him and we do talk about that a lot but it’s a few years off

Hello OP. What you have written is very similar to what I have. And I've asked myself the same question - am I settling?
I've been with DP for 20 months. It's long distance - he's just over an hour from me. He's wonderful in many ways. He's extremely kind, we have a great time together, we go away, etc. We never fall out and we have a lovely honest and affectionate relationship.
However, due to his circumstances he won't commit to me at all. He said it's because he doesn't really know what will happen with his work (he's a contractor) and he doesn't know where he will end up. He's from the Midlands originally. I know I love him and I've told him that, but he won't say it back.
I've realised that whilst he's wonderful in so many ways my emotional needs are not being met. I have to decide whether or not I can live with that. Neither of us have talked about the future, but we are extremely happy for now. But I don't know if I'm able to continue without the emotional side. He shows he really likes me in many ways, but he won't tell me he loves me.

@TomHardysBitontheside It’s hard isn’t it? I do think I should focus on the positives of the relationship and not think too much about the future. In your case if you’re having a lovely time with a lovely man it’s hard to walk away from that. In my situation I feel a lot more angst. When we are together we do have a lovely time and he says he loves me but when we are apart, which is more than half the time, he is not good at communicating and I feel anxious.

When I divorced if someone had told me I would never marry but I’d meet an attractive man for dates, and holidays I would have been thrilled. So why is it not enough?

I don’t want to drip feed but another issue is that I have never met his 3 adult DH. I’m told that they don’t want to meet me - which I take at face value - but it does make me feel as though I have no ‘status’ in his life.

@colourmylife Im a little younger than you (55) and single for the last 4 years. On the surface what you have seems great, but I'd not be happy with it either. In the end your gut is telling you something - your gut is telling you its all on his terms, how he wants it with nothing shared, no common goal, no shared plan for the future. I think you are a great partner for him now, but I doubt he has any long term plan to settle with you (or anyone else) Marriage is not the be all and end all, but shared goals and a shared path to the future are really important. Relationships need to progress to thrive - this is a perpetual FWB situation (for him) whilst you understandably have stronger feelings.

Right now you sound distressed, anxious and resentful ... that's not great (and he could have listened to you, contacted you more often, been more open - and made things feel a lot better) he hasn't done so because in the end he doesn't really care how YOU feel ...Not a good sign ...

Hmmm I'm very suspicious of this man, OP.

Why wouldn't his adult children want to meet you? That sounds very odd - he's in his 60s so are they in their 30s?

He reminds me of someone I knew who liked to "play the big man." Always the first to buy the drinks, to help people out, to show the world how great he was. Very very generous on the face of it, but utterly selfish in many other ways. He fed off other people's approval.

I'm around your age and couldn't be arsed with this kind of behaviour. It's nothing to do with being conventional, it's that you feel tied to someone (willingly) who isn't tied to you. When he comes back off his travels he knows you'll be there. He meets your kids and they all get on, but he won't do the same for you. He swans off whenever he likes and stays for ages (can he work from wherever he is?) without a thought for you and he can do that because he knows you are eager to see him and frankly you haven't gone anywhere. So he returns, the conquering hero, with his elderly parents as this fantastic reason why he can be so flakey. You can't complain about it, can you?

I'd take advantage of his absence to think again about this relationship.

@lilybetsy @HollowTalk
Thanks for your replies. They have really upset me. You are both saying much the same thing and in my heart I think you may be right.

His daughters are early to mid 20s. And I do find it odd they won’t meet me - out of curiosity if nothing else. To a degree he can work from anywhere and he has said he would be happy for me to quit work and travel with him. We do talk about the future and make plans. We have talked about buying a house together which would make things seem more permanent and clear cut but I’m happy in my house and don’t really want to move.

My head is in a mess but as you say this forced separation is a good time to reflect.

Oh blimey, don't make any financial decisions based on this man! Don't give up your job and sell your house whatever you do.

No don’t worry! I would never do that. For anyone! After my divorce I swore I would never be financially dependent on anyone again.

Me neither!

Have you been to his house often? I know this sounds mad but have you driven past it when he's meant to be away, just to see whether anyone's there?

I haven’t been to his house recently. It’s not crossed my mind to drive by - it’s a good 45 minutes away. I can be sure when he’s overseas due to the ringtone. I’ve never had any reason to suspect he’s not where he says he is.

I do think I should focus on the positives of the relationship and not think too much about the future

No, you absolutely should evaluate the negatives and assess how this relationship might develop in the years to come.

Right now you are an also-ran in his life. Sure he cares for/about you, but not enough to let whatever feelings he has for you inconvenience him.

You've had the conversations about the broken promises and his lack of dependability, but nothing changes. Because you are not a priority in his life.

He seems both selfish and emotionally unavailable. You in turn are anxious and spend far too much time worrying. While he swans around the world, doing his own thing - in other words doing the things and being with people who matter more to him. Of course his spending time with his elderly parents is commendable, but why does he leave you alone at both Christmas and Easter. Not to mention the broken Christmas promise.

Right now, your emotional needs are not being met and your mental health is actually suffering. And there is no guarantee that anything will change once he gets older or retires. Chances are he'll find something else to take the place of work and parents. Scuba diving in the Australian barrier reef, bird watching in the Galápagos Islands, basket weaving in an Ashram in India......

Or he may transfer his affections to someone less anxious, less conventional, more fun, whatever. He just doesn't sound like someone you'd be likely to grow old with.

I am listening carefully. I had an emotionally unavailable DM and an emotionally unavailable DH for 25 years so I have a little bit of insight. I feel he is emotionally available but not physically available IYSWIM. Or maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I just have a really low bar and wouldn’t recognise a healthy relationship?

But he makes himself physically unavailable! It's not much use him being emotionally available if he makes sure he's not bloody there!

Well....yes. You have a point. I’m struggling to accept that I may have to end this as I have had more fun with him over the last 3 years, and felt more loved, than in my entire marriage.

Then maybe you ought to just see this as a fling and expect absolutely nothing more from it?

I would map out, if you can, his comings and goings over the last 3 years.
So when he has said he is abroad for work.
When he has planned to see “parents” without you.
When any of these plans were changed at the last minute extended/immediate dash off.
How, when and why the communication dropped off when he was away on these trip. Do you FT? Do you know if he is where he says he is?

Just map it and see if you can spot any patterns.

The last minute Xmas dash is v unusual unless the DM was ill - she has been elderly for decades...

Being able to extend a one week trip to a month is also something unusual? Do you think that was always the plan? Does his work allow this?

Does he regularly travel to the same countries? I know someone who had FWB in 3 countries at the same time as a wife and 2 kids in the UK.

What is his relationship history?

Why did his marriage fail?

Where do is adult DDs live?

Does he talk about them - do you know much about them? Does he spend much time with them and are you sure he does?

Have you met any of his family and friends in this country?

Sometimes generosity is a deflection or guilty conscience.

Might all be fine. But it seems he is hard to pin down, lots of broken promises and not even physically, emotionally or even digitally available a lot of the time is “unique”. Sounds like he isn’t responding to your v minimal need of staying in touch?

I think it's worse that he lives with you as you are frequently faced with him effectively dropping you for better things as and when he decides. I don't think that's good for anyone on an emotional level.

I think you are quite low on his list and he's got his cake and he's eating it. To a large degree he's using you, be it wittingly or unwittingly, as there you are being Mrs Reliable waiting for him to return (whenever that might be).

I too have endured this in the past and found it utterly miserable, and I know I wouldn't put myself through it ever again.

It’s interesting that you say you have felt “more loved” by him than the 25 year marriage.

Love to me is v simple - it’s kindness and respect.

Are you confusing romantic gestures which are easy to rustle up with cash, charm and a captive audience.

Is it kind or respectful to not keep in contact? To change plans at the last minute? To break promises?

@gutterton, you are a woman after my own heart!

@Gutterton Because of the way my marriage ended I am hyper-vigilant and although the idea of a double life has crossed my mind it doesn’t really stack up. The nature of his work requires him to travel a lot at short- notice but as he has a team working for him so he can carry on business from afar too. When he is visiting his DM I speak to her and have visited with him so I don’t think he has anyone else there. He has had 2 x 12 year plus relationships which seemed quite happy and respectful. His most recent partner lived in yet another country so was a LDR which may be relevant . He talks a lot about his daughters but doesn’t spend a lot of time with them as only one lives locally. They do know about my existence.

He hasn’t got many close friends in this country but we do have a couple of mutual friends (which we found out by accident) but I have spoken to his colleagues on the phone and they know who I am. I also met his closest friends in his own country.

Yes, you’re right - of course the way he is treating me isn’t kind and respectful.

@MaeveDidIt We don’t actually live together. Not formally. He spends pretty much all his free time at my house but still keeps his own house. To be honest I’m not sure I want to live full time with him or anyone so that part suits me quite well.

When my marriage ended one of the things which scare me most was the prospect of living on my own, but it turns out I enjoy it!

Thanks for all your posts. I think I’m starting to see things more clearly but it’s painful.

I think I have no option but to sit out lock-down and then have a conversation with him
next time we meet.

Great that you are getting food for thought OP.
As always great wisdom here.
Time to think.
But also time to suit yourself, whatever you decide.
You sound like a great woman who will make wise calls👍👍

BUT - he works away a lot of the time and also visits his DP on another continent for weeks on end without any certainty about when he will be back

Darling Partner ??????