If you never contacted any of your friends

[Sosadandempty]

how many of them do you think would eventually contact you?

In my case I can think of two people who would eventually contact me maybe - after weeks and weeks. It tends to be me who contacts people first normally.

It has made me realise that aside from my responsibility to my teens who need to live near their school, I could up sticks without anyone batting an eyelid or noticing. It also feels lonely.

That’s all really. Not wallowing, just comparing notes.

None. I was always the one to contact/ visit. But realised that it never happened the other way round. It was expected that I would be the one to contact/ visit. So I stopped doing it. Been at least 5 years now, and they haven't made contact as to whether I am even alive. So much for friendship.

6 I think. We barely see each other 'for real' as we are scattered all over the world but do keep in touch online. We are not part of the same friendship group. These are separate, one to one friendships. I don't know if that makes a difference in terms of dynamics.

I feel sorry for the people who are saying that there must be something dislikeable about them - I am totally sure that is not the case

Actually, I'm totally sure...like, 100% sure that it is the case that there is something dislikeable about you

Because there's something dislikeable about every single person. Every single one. No exceptions.

I have a wide group of friends and I can tell you that I'm lazy, occasionally irritable, a bit of a know it all, greedy (with food), often scruffy, and a bit too blunt. All of my friends would agree with this list and probably chuck a few more things in too.

The key is knowing that you are worthy and that is irrespective of whatever your list of dislikeable things is.

Because it's impossible to be fully likeable.

A. Because we're human which means we are never perfect, and

B. Even if you were 'perfect' someone would find that dislikeable

I mean, take, for example - Holly Willoughby. I think she's lovely and seems close to personality perfect to me.

But start a thread about her on here and you'll find a dozen things that other people find dislikeable about her.

It's just about finding your people.

There's no point worrying about being dislikeable because every single human is dislikeable to some people.

See what I mean about being a know it all; I'm full of fucking wisdom today

Out of my group of friends, 2 definitely would, 2 wouldn't. Out of the two that would, one is super sociable and friendly and would be organising something. The other one would see it as her duty.

Yea I have a friend that I've been friends with since childhood and it's been going off the boil since she had kids. I've messaged a few times since lockdown but I've realised now that it's always me who gets in touch so I'm going to leave it and see if she contacts me for a change.

Other 3 close friends would definitely get in touch. In fact we've arranged a weekend video get together which I'm looking forward to.

@wheresmymojo I really like that. I've spent years wondering what's wrong with me and I've made peace with the fact I must just be unlikeable. Your post is very true! Don't change being a know it all

So I decided to test my theory. This was in 1999 and I’m still waiting to hear from them.

I did this too, with friends and family. Hurt like hell to have it confirmed that none of them cared but I'd prefer to know and not waste my time and energy on them.
It has made me very reluctant to allow any new people in to my life which can make life a bit lonely at times but has made all this social distancing very easy to do

Not much. Got 2 very old friends who would contact me after about 2 months. No one whom I talk to on a weekly basis let alone daily.

I have some really nice neighbours whom I'm very friendly with, but I always see they have so much more going on socially than me - I'm always afraid of seeming a bit needy. I have tea with one about once every 2 - 3 weeks and we message a bit. I could quite happily hang out for longer with her - but there is always something else in the offing and I'm generally got rid of about 40mins!

My long term relationship of some 23 years ended 3 years ago and ever since then I've struggled. In truth I would always have preferred him to anyone else. So I guess my friendship group wained.

I was never much good at making friends. It's a good job my work is very social - however doesn't extend beyond work. I read this really good article in the Guardian recently about weekend loneliness. That's me.

I love my friends

Me too! Be lost without them, but then I am single and no kids so they are very important to me. We often stay in touch In fact I emailed a couple today.

Possibly two of mine would after a while however when it comes to meet ups ( almost always at mine with me forking out for food and drink) if I didn’t arrange it it would never happen so now I’ve stopped, my last straw was me checking in on them all during this lock down and suggesting a virtual wine night ..nobody’s followed it up so I think I’m finished with trying now. To be honest I’m ok on my own I’ve never needed friends like some people do

I have six close friends. Four from work, two from childhood.

One childhood would definitely contact me within a day, the other after a couple of weeks I think.

Of the work ones, I would say two would definitely get in touch quickly, one more maybe after a few days/couple of weeks. The last one (the only male) would probably contact within a couple of days but definitely within a week.

I know I'm very lucky to have the friends I do.

Someone I thought was a really good friend has shown me, by her lack of support in tough times, that she isn't.
Yet dh and I were there for her for many years.

Since the isolation I have been contacted by a very good friend, a new work friend and friends from school
who live far away as well as two close family members.

I am introverted and don't get out as much as I would like under normal circumstances. After this crazy time has finished I am going to try and get out more.

I'm not sure. And I wouldn't be testing them to find out because I don't really believe in artificially putting friendships to the test - no one is obligated to me, and creating a sense of obligation or pressure is probably the speediest way to lose a friendship.

I think the key is to not take things personally. People have busy lives, they have family, friends, other things going on. If someone doesn't respond to me quickly I don't take it personally in the slightest - if I was to, and gave that impression to a friend, that would just make it harder to sustain the friendship. It would be awkward for them and of course they would rather have easy friendships with other people and would put off contact with me.

I don't mind being the person that tends to reach out more if that's what it takes, and I understand it's not people's job to be on call for me. I have worked on creating a diverse friendship group so that I have a wide range of people to chat with whenever it happens to suit us both. At some times I am less of a priority in one person's life - that's fine, I will connect more with others and chat with them again in the future when it works for them. But I put zero pressure on, I reach out with friendship, and I enjoy the friendships when they are in a position to be returned.

No one. I've tested this too, more than once. I am pretty unlikeable, I think.

@ghostly that’s sad that you think you’re unlikeable. It may be just because people know you’ll make the first contact. May be that people are very wrapped up in their own lives but doesn’t mean they don’t like you.