If you never contacted any of your friends

[Sosadandempty]

how many of them do you think would eventually contact you?

In my case I can think of two people who would eventually contact me maybe - after weeks and weeks. It tends to be me who contacts people first normally.

It has made me realise that aside from my responsibility to my teens who need to live near their school, I could up sticks without anyone batting an eyelid or noticing. It also feels lonely.

That’s all really. Not wallowing, just comparing notes.

I think four, maybe five would after a few weeks-maybe less.
I'm the same though in that with lots of my friends it's always me doing the contacting and the organising. It used to bother me but now I just think life is split into two kinds of people-those that make the effort and those that don't. I've culled those from the second group that don't make my making the effort worth it iyswim? If I still enjoy their company despite me having to go further than them to maintain the friendship then I've kept them, if not then I've let the friendship die.

I have three people who have contacted me and it’s made me realise who are the best friends. But most others I know would not notice if I disappeared. I don’t think it’s that we are not likeable people, more that people are very involved with just their immediate family and friends and most people don’t reach out to others.

Most of them. I’m not naturally inclined to strike up conversations but I make myself do it and I frequently check that I’ve answered messages and caught up with friends recently. It takes sustained effort.

I would also add that, over the years, I’ve reluctantly let people go who made no effort. I still miss them sometimes but it’s better than being ignored for months on end.

I haven’t had a friend for years 15 in fact when I moved and first became ill, then met someone who isolated me from the world. I also have bpd and I can’t see when my illness tricks me into taking abuse. So I won’t be getting close to anyone. That said me and my sister reconnected and was lucky enough to click and become close so I live with her and her husband. I don’t need anyone else we do everything together when I’m not at work.

@StormBaby

Maybe 2 or 3. But only cos I normally pester the 2. The 3rd is just nosy!

To be honest the language doesn't help. If you think of it, friends are not one monotonous mass. There's acquaintances, work friends, neighbours, playdate friends, long term friends, activity mates etc. Lots of people who you might spend time with or message for different reasons at different times. I think the notion of besties actually does more harm than anything. Even the notion of friends forever is pretty toxic.

See yourself as the centre of your own life. If people add to it great. If not fuck em..

I lost all my phone numbers about a year ago and decided to just wait and see who would contact me. I'd say most of my friends did at this point. I can't think of anyone who didn't actually. But I chit chat via text / WhatsApp a lot.

Several. It might take quite some time for them to raise concerns as I'm never the best at initiating contact(introverted) but when I wasn't feeling well I had frequent contacts with people as they know I live alone and wanted to make sure was ok.
I can go months without speaking to some of my best friends...and family for that matter! but when push comes to shove we always have each others backs in a crisis. I also live on a different continent to many of them so it is more effort.
I've been very lucky in my life to have come into contact with the friends I have made.

Mos likely just the one friend for me.
I know that when I started to care for my mum (she'd had a stroke) pretty much all of my friendships dried up. And now 8 years and two children later I have one really good friend (since childhood). We can go a little while without contact but usually pick up right where we left off.

None.

But then I don’t have real friends just acquaintances. I thought I had real friends until I went though a very hard time in life 7 years ago and no one cared enough to try and keep in touch.

I haven’t posted on Facebook since jan as I’m having a tough pregnancy and I just can’t be bothered with it. I look on it from time to time though, mainly for community posts in my old area which I miss since moving from.

I keep seeing people post “keep posting during this time, I will notice if you don’t” and laugh at the shit virtue signalling. I could be dead and none of them have noticed.

Maybe one. Not just friends either, my family are like this too. We have a family whatsapp and I found I'm the only one initiating contact so I stopped messaging just as a test, it's been silent for months now I've kinda gotten used to it.

Had a similar issue lately, cut off a few one way street friendships, better off keeping your circle small!

I have been wondering which of mine would contact me to see how I am during this and I'm still wondering. It's always me who reaches out but I'm now thinking it's about time I decided the 'fuck 'em' approach would be better. And before anyone says they may be struggling at this time, they're not, they're zooming and facebooking and WhatsApping jokes and memes all over the place.

@Epona1, one of my friends had a similar experience, I was horrified that so much change had happened in her life without us knowing, but then she hardly talked about her issues and normally it was me doing the reaching out and she didn’t talk much about her life, so we didn’t even now she had serious problems with her husband, much less so she had split from him.

I, on the other hand, badmouthed my ex with everyone so when we finally split, I had an army of volunteers to catch me.

Admittedly, there is some power in showing your vulnerability. I think people contacts you when they think they are needed, I have friends who disappear when I am perfectly fine (probably tending to people who need them now more than me).

is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

OP
as someone who failed in the past to maintain friends that much... I used to have none because unless they contact me, i wouldnt contact them. It has nothing to do with liking them, they wouldnt be my friends if i didnt like them. It is just a bad habit, no matter how hard i tried i end up failing.
as i started to get older and after a friend passed away, i started to feel the need to keep in contact and tell them that i like them and care to keep a contact. They are few, but i do now put the effort and i dont know why it is now easier than it used to be

Many years ago I went through this realising certain people never initiated a meet up and did the experiment and never saw one of them again.
Over time though I came to a similar conclusion that some people are just like that and ultimately if I wanted them in my life I would be the one keeping things alive.
That was around 20 years ago and I am fortunate to now have a strong and wide group of friends some of which I’ve known 30 odd years and some who could have been culled but weren’t and I’m now so glad of that
Also one friend once thanked me for always keeping in touch and not giving up on her and another spoke to me about being aware she never initiated things and felt awful and guilty which then further made it hard to make contact it was interesting to see the other side of the fence as it were.
Ten years ago when my DH left my friends were an absolute god send but in the last few months I’ve been starting to think I’m the one doing all the running so I’m glad to see this thread because it’s reminding me it doesn’t matter and having those friends is far more important

I think it's good to stop being the contacter, cull those who don't bother with you and nurture any friendships you have left.

I truly believe finding a real friend is as hard as finding a life partner.

Too many people these days rely on social media, expecting friends and even family to know what's happening with them. I've had many arguments with siblings who said 'but I put it on facebook'. So I got rid of my fb.

People can be a burden. Especially the ones that only contact you first when they need a favour. Once you start letting people go it can be very freeing!

You only need one person to love you for who you are. Sod the rest

This actually happened recently because my phone stopped letting me send texts and deleted all my numbers. Every friend except one got in touch after a day. The one who didn't tried to say she had, but I hadn't told her I could read messages coming in, I just couldn't reply, so I knew who had tried.

wheresmymojo that is very wise advice. I am an organizer and in regular times am fine with it. But under lockdown I am feeling anxious about it and wondering if anyone would bother with me if I didn't arrange the Zoom calls! Will remember that it is a good aspect of mine, and also that it benefits me to see my friends.

Thanks for all the posts and obviously this is a universal issue. I was going to answer people individually but there have been so many posters that I will keep it general instead.

I like the idea that there are the contacters and the non contacters, and that it is about how you approach being a contacter. Also, yes of course people are normally busy with their jobs, people they live with etc.. And in this period during which some of us are a lot less active, we might notice the silent phone a lot more. Also that we have different types of friends whom we might contact in different circumstances.

I feel sorry for the people who are saying that there must be something dislikeable about them - I am totally sure that is not the case - and if it isn't the case about you then it probably isn't the case about me either .

I do think however that in my case, though I have friends, I am not close knit with them as it were, and they come from different parts of my life so are not one group. Basically the people that I am in contact all of the time are my three teens (I am a single parent) whom I live with, and my sister and Dad. I know this already makes me very lucky.

A few people have spoken about their other halves, and I really think that being in a (good) relationship makes all the difference, and a lot of my loneliness comes from being on my own (following a marriage which was emotionally abusive for many years and ended in a horrible divorce). There is a lot of loneliness in not being "seen" by another adult, or having that daily companionship. Family members tell me that relationships are not the be all and end all (and my experience has taught me that!!), but they are all happily partnered up so......

I am also interested to see that the lockdown has lead a few people to the same conclusions that I had drawn - ie. that's it, I am no longer contacting people.

However having read the thread, and also realising that I probably felt quite down yesterday, I might not go down that road!

Maybe one, maybe none. I don't have great relationships with other women, and I really want to change this as I would love to feel more connected, but I just don't. I seem to make 'friends' with people who just talk at me, don't ever seem to think I react to anything and happy to go along with what they say (I'm a good listener), and I am really questioning currently if I need them in my life or indeed if they need me, further than a sounding board and a self-esteem prop.

None with the exception of group chit chat on school mum WhatsApp groups.

I gave up with 'friends' long ago after getting fed up of always being the one to make contact, the one to instigate meet ups and plans and the one to travel and do the leg work.