Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Boyfriend lied about drug taking - seriously worried

60 replies

janepar1 · 09/04/2020 11:17

Hello,

So my boyfriend has always had a bit of a coke problem. We've been together 3 years, (me 26, he 30) and truthfully we did it together, we enjoyed it. It wasnt great, it caused hangovers etc, but I have a fantastic job and have kept myself on top of everything etc. My boyfriend has suffered from depression for years and years prior to us meeting after a girlfriend passed away very suddenly in front of him. Its been tough but were an incredibly tight unit, we are absolute best friends, and we confide in each other about everything. We've never lied about our drug use. We've worked hard on his depression - together - even though it is very difficult - and he really is coming out the other side. Hes more responsible with money, hes working consistently, and overall, hes happy. Its been amazing to see and I love him a lot, he is very caring towards me and im really pleased I stuck out the tough times to see him come out the other side.
I just found out I am pregnant which is a surprise. I was very worried first of all, because of Corona, and we live with my mum at the moment, so thinking of everything we had to do to prepare for baby was a lot to process. However, I have always wanted to be a mum and I am frankly, thrilled. He is a tradesman and currently not working, so I am footing the bills and trying to save everything I can. He will hopefully start working soon enough and contribute to our savings as we need a deposit for a rental, baby stuff, home stuff and to buy a cheap car as he only has a van.

Yesterday, he went to help a friend on his allotment. Technically against the rules, but it is a big space and he promised to stay well away from his friend (who is also a part time coke dealer.) Yesterday, i had a really funny feeling he was going to get coke. I then got a call from my boss and we are having to take a 20% pay cut due to Corona virus. I immediately panicked as I had meticulously planned my finances for the next 8 months. (I grew up poor and money is a huge worry for me, always.) He came home and was telling me I need to trust him to provide, he will get the money in, etc etc.

i asked him multiple times in the evening if he had picked up, as I had my women's intuition. I was exhausted (8 week pregnant exhaustion) and fell asleep at 9pm. I woke up at 2am and he was still awake. I thought suspicious but was too tired. 40 mins later i get woken up by his gross snoring which i know only happens when he has done coke. I took myself to the spare room and cried until the sun came up. I was angry, he hasnt contributed to our savings cos he isnt working, but can spend £50 on a bit of gear for himself?
And he lied - to my face - 4 times. This is my bigger gripe.

I flat out told him when he woke up that i knew that he had done, and he just left to go to his mums. hes sent me a few grovelling apologies but i dont know that to do. I understand mistakes happen, i knew he would have a few coke blips. but to LIE. We had a conversation hours before and i said i wont ever do it again due to the baby and he said "me too!" knowing he had a wrap in his pocket.

I am at a loss of words and i dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Wimpeyspread · 09/04/2020 11:25

Doesn’t sound like he’s ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood, really, does it?

Sassypants82 · 09/04/2020 11:27

Sorry but the least of your worries is that he's lying about it. Expect a lot more of that.

He's an addict and if you really think he's going to be a responsible parent, then I'm sorry to give it to you straight - he won't.

I feel for you but also think, as it comes across in your post, that you don't think his drug use is that much of a problem. It is. Especially given he's already depressed.

Recipe for disaster.

Also, stay home. No (part time dealer's 😐) allotment. You're pregnant which makes you vulnerable.

milkysmum · 09/04/2020 11:28

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 18 years, he sounds similar to your boyfriend and all I can say is if you can muster the strength to get out now, you should. We have two children and always thought he would change, he said he would over and over again, it never happened. I'm now 40 and have wasted all my 20's and 30's on this complete loser.
You have my greatest sympathies.

Parker231 · 09/04/2020 11:33

Any drug use is a 100% no go for me. Unfortunately I can’t see that he would change and become a good parent.?
If he isn’t working where is he getting the money from to buy drugs and how is he getting hold of them during social distancing?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 11:42

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How did you get here to this point you are at now?.

He is an addict and he has and continues to lie to you through his teeth. I would also say that his lying to you is the least of your problems. He has not changed in all the years you've known him and all you've done here is prop him up and otherwise enable him.

I would be preparing for life as a single parent and give this child your surname rather than his. He is no role model as a partner to you nor father or role model to his as yet unborn child.

opticaldelusion · 09/04/2020 11:45

You're having a child with a drug addict. Coronavirus is an irrelevancy and the least of your problems.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/04/2020 11:53

You don't say how long ago you thought you'd both gave up the coke (if you gave up at all before you found out you were preg.)

If he's claimed to have given up a while back, my bet is on every time he's seen this cokehead friend he's taken it. Maybe also when he's seen other friends he 'used to' take it with.

Original poster

janepar1 · 09/04/2020 11:59

Woooah you guys are super harsh. People can change and i believe that. stop being so bitter

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 09/04/2020 12:01

Not harsh, just realistic.

perniciousdot · 09/04/2020 12:01

Woooah you guys are super harsh. People can change and i believe that. stop being so bitter

You are pregnant to a guy who has a coke problem and you think we are being harsh? Really

Time to grow up OP. Get rid. Concentrate on your child.

Original poster

janepar1 · 09/04/2020 12:02

This is the first time hes lied to me, and I know that. I would rather work through it, try to rebuild this, get him to attend meetings etc than cast him aside. People with addictions are still people. some of you are vile, I wish i could delete the post lool

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 12:03

You changed, this does mean to say that he will. No-one is being bitter towards you here.

He has and continues to take drugs here, do you think a baby is going to stop him doing that?.

LoungingInParadise · 09/04/2020 12:05

People can change, yes. But he isn’t changing, is he? He’s lying to your face about spending the money YOU earned on cocaine. Addict behaviour.

You’re living with your mum, you are worried about money, you’re pregnant, you’re not married, you have to start family life from scratch...and he’s blowing cash on drugs.

He’s a loser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 12:06

You wrote that he has lied to you on multiple occasions, not just once.

You have also taken drugs in the past so you are perhaps on a mission to save him from himself. It is clear you never learnt that you cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Only he can help his own self here and getting him to attend addiction meetings will not work, he will see that as coercion. Doing that too for him apart from enabling him only gives you a false sense of control.

Morgan12 · 09/04/2020 12:07

You said you both did it? Did you tell him he had to stop?

How often does he do it?

I think addict is a bit of a harsh label here if he is using recreationally a few times a year.

What made you stop?

perniciousdot · 09/04/2020 12:08

I would rather work through it, try to rebuild this, get him to attend meetings etc than cast him aside.

Your child deserves better.

Mintjulia · 09/04/2020 12:10

Sorry OP, but he's a drug addict. Face it. Is that what you want for your child?

Are you going to wait for your toddler to find a wrap that's fallen out of his pocket before you take it seriously? Drugs and babies just don't mix.

Sorry but he has to choose. And then you have to choose too.

perniciousdot · 09/04/2020 12:11

People with addictions are still people.

Yes but you have posted about this person, his problem and the fact that he is lying to you.

some of you are vile,

Lashing out defensively because you don't want to hear it is a natural reaction. Come back and read the thread later, tomorrow, the next day etc until one day you see it not from the protective partner POV but the protective parent POV.

I wish i could delete the post

Oh dear.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 12:11

It is not your role or place here to try and fix him. Why do you think you are in any sort of position to try and fix him?. You cannot fix him.

You’d be far better off focusing on you and your child.

Annasgirl · 09/04/2020 12:15

Hi OP, I think you think this is harsh because this forum is full of women who have been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Many of us take time out of our day to post on here when someone is about to make a mistake one of us made once, and we want them to know what happened to us.

But of course at 26, you know best. Please, don't get upset at people on here, who are trying to tell you how it will be from their life experience, as they would their own daughter, and see if your reaction is because you do not want to hear the truth, the likelihood of what will happen as opposed to what you want to happen.

And just stop to think, do you really want to have a child with this man in your life? Can you do it alone? Do you have support? They are the issues you need to focus on.

BertiesLanding · 09/04/2020 12:15

The truth can really hurt sometimes, OP.

MaidenMotherCrone · 09/04/2020 12:16

When did you last use Op?

Oldraver · 09/04/2020 12:17

This time next guest you will be back saying you can't afford nappies or formula as he had gone on another coke binge

He will not change. He knew you were saving money and he still went ahead and doubled it on coke

Oh and before you think we are all squares who hate coke... I've done it in the past, my OH has as well, I don't get get up about it. But we have never spent money we can't afford on it etc

scotsllb · 09/04/2020 12:19

I've been there and the father of my ds (2) started out like. I stuck it out and tried to get past it and make excuses for the lies. Thinking things would be different when ds came along but no.
He ramped up his usage when I was later in my pregnancy and all the way through.
He clearly couldn't handle the thought of more responsibility.
We are no longer together and I cannot let him take ds alone as I don't trust him to be clean or not have drugs on him. Terrified my ds could find some or something drops out his pocket etc.
It's no life at all and it's been incredibly difficult bringing up my so with absolutely no help at all and knowing I could never ever rely on him.
I don't regret my son he's the most wonderful gift but having a child with someone who lies about taking drugs and can't be trusted is useless

AgentJohnson · 09/04/2020 12:20

People can change and i believe that. stop being so bitter.

You’re right OP, people can change. Your problem however, is that your bf hasn’t. Given the effortless way he’s lied, I doubt very much this is the first and it will be not be the last.

You’re confusing your relationship with coke with his relationship with coke. They appear to be very different. Coke is his escape and given Covid-19, your pregnancy and his past depression, it could become his form of escape of choice.

You are in for a bumpy ride because he isn’t the person you desperately want him to be.

Good luck because you’ve at the start of a very painful journey when you are very vulnerable.

Flip

1 2 3