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Original poster

Boyfriend lied about drug taking - seriously worried

60 replies

janepar1 · 09/04/2020 11:17

Hello,

So my boyfriend has always had a bit of a coke problem. We've been together 3 years, (me 26, he 30) and truthfully we did it together, we enjoyed it. It wasnt great, it caused hangovers etc, but I have a fantastic job and have kept myself on top of everything etc. My boyfriend has suffered from depression for years and years prior to us meeting after a girlfriend passed away very suddenly in front of him. Its been tough but were an incredibly tight unit, we are absolute best friends, and we confide in each other about everything. We've never lied about our drug use. We've worked hard on his depression - together - even though it is very difficult - and he really is coming out the other side. Hes more responsible with money, hes working consistently, and overall, hes happy. Its been amazing to see and I love him a lot, he is very caring towards me and im really pleased I stuck out the tough times to see him come out the other side.
I just found out I am pregnant which is a surprise. I was very worried first of all, because of Corona, and we live with my mum at the moment, so thinking of everything we had to do to prepare for baby was a lot to process. However, I have always wanted to be a mum and I am frankly, thrilled. He is a tradesman and currently not working, so I am footing the bills and trying to save everything I can. He will hopefully start working soon enough and contribute to our savings as we need a deposit for a rental, baby stuff, home stuff and to buy a cheap car as he only has a van.

Yesterday, he went to help a friend on his allotment. Technically against the rules, but it is a big space and he promised to stay well away from his friend (who is also a part time coke dealer.) Yesterday, i had a really funny feeling he was going to get coke. I then got a call from my boss and we are having to take a 20% pay cut due to Corona virus. I immediately panicked as I had meticulously planned my finances for the next 8 months. (I grew up poor and money is a huge worry for me, always.) He came home and was telling me I need to trust him to provide, he will get the money in, etc etc.

i asked him multiple times in the evening if he had picked up, as I had my women's intuition. I was exhausted (8 week pregnant exhaustion) and fell asleep at 9pm. I woke up at 2am and he was still awake. I thought suspicious but was too tired. 40 mins later i get woken up by his gross snoring which i know only happens when he has done coke. I took myself to the spare room and cried until the sun came up. I was angry, he hasnt contributed to our savings cos he isnt working, but can spend £50 on a bit of gear for himself?
And he lied - to my face - 4 times. This is my bigger gripe.

I flat out told him when he woke up that i knew that he had done, and he just left to go to his mums. hes sent me a few grovelling apologies but i dont know that to do. I understand mistakes happen, i knew he would have a few coke blips. but to LIE. We had a conversation hours before and i said i wont ever do it again due to the baby and he said "me too!" knowing he had a wrap in his pocket.

I am at a loss of words and i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
LouLouLoo · 09/04/2020 12:25

He said he would never do it again because of the baby, yet knew as he was saying it that it was just words and he was intending to use that night.

You don't need to know any more than that. He is not prepared to put his child (or you) before his drug use.

You sounds ready to grow up and be responsible, both emotionally and financially. He doesn't.

pigdogridesagain · 09/04/2020 12:27

Exactly what @Annasgirl said!

A coke habit coupled with depression is a recipe for disaster! Been there, put up with that got the t-shirt!

PippaPegg · 09/04/2020 12:32

"WE are dealing with HIS depression"

Come on.

Put your own life jacket on.

You will find that a man knows what he wants and his actions will show you what his priorities are. In this case, his own pleasure. He couldn't give a rats ass about you or his baby.

I would think very hard before going ahead with this pregnancy.

milkysmum · 09/04/2020 12:34

You asked for advice, and you are getting advice, mainly from women who have been EXACTLY where you are. I am so very sad I didn't listen to people all those years ago.
I'm so very sad that I thought he would change for me, for our babies. I was sad when I went to get £5 out of his wallet to put in a birthday card when they were going to a party and out dropped a wrap of coke, and finally I was sad when he put his hands round our daughters throat off his head on coke and booze 'because she was arguing with her younger brother'.
But people change, you're right, don't listen to any of us that have been there, you're boyfriend is different and he'll change for you, of course he will.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2020 12:37

You’re pregnant by a lying cokehead.
He needs to be an ex.
You need to decide what to do about the pregnancy.

KitchenConfidential · 09/04/2020 12:52

As someone who has been there and got the T-shirt, stop deluding yourself about what he can be. You cannot change him and he has made it very clear to you that he doesn’t want to change (words mean nothing - only actions count).
Please think carefully about going through with this pregnancy and about giving up any more of your life with this man.

And this one example you give isn’t just his selfishness and lying about drugs. You are pregnant with his child and therefore highly vulnerable during a pandemic. He should
NOT be leaving the house for non essential reasons and should NOT able mixing with other people. He is directly putting you and your baby at risk. It’s one thing to care about what you put up, another one entirely for your unborn child.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2020 13:00

You are being mugged off by an addict and lapping it up

I feel sorry for you but more so for a child brought into such a fuckup

KitchenConfidential · 09/04/2020 13:17

Ps even if you now forgive him, he should stay at his mums. You should NOT be mixing households.

Aloe6 · 09/04/2020 13:24

Its been tough but were an incredibly tight unit, we are absolute best friends, and we confide in each other about everything. We've never lied about our drug use. We've worked hard on his depression - together - even though it is very difficult - and he really is coming out the other side.

You’re describing co-dependency. Not a healthy relationship. He will always put drugs first because he is an addict. You won’t come first, and neither will the baby.

Techway · 09/04/2020 13:42

At 30 he is unlikely to change. This is the reality and to say otherwise would be giving you false hope.

You said he has "always had a bit of a problem with coke" so this is long standing and a baby, coronavorus, money worries has caused him to wake up. Why do you think he will change now?

I am sorrycof it feels harsh but posters are speaking from knowledge

HollowTalk · 09/04/2020 13:44

I think your reaction is normal. You want reassurance and for us to tell you that you should get him to go to counselling and everything will be fine.

If we did that we wouldn't be doing the right thing by you. You are our concern. He is your concern. He's his own concern, too - all he thinks about is his own selfish pleasure. So when you think about it, we are the only ones concerned about you. You need to listen.

So many posters here are way ahead of you in this process. They have experience of men who are selfish, men who are users, men who get women pregnant and then don't step up to the plate.

Nobody is being horrible to you. They are trying to prevent you from committing your life to someone who really doesn't deserve you. They're trying to help you see there would be a brighter future without him.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/04/2020 13:51

we confide in each other about everything. We've never lied about our drug use

Well, he's just proved all that wrong.

Woooah you guys are super harsh. People can change and i believe that. stop being so bitter

He hasn't changed though OP. He's just proved it. You don't know this is the first time he's lied to you. That's highly unlikely. This is just the first time it's been noticeable.

People with addictions can change but they have to want to change. He's just don't the thing the other day- there's no indication he seriously wants to change it- quite the opposite.

Queenofheartsnomore · 09/04/2020 14:55

Are you okay op? I don't want to be jumped on by other posters but feel free to pm me if you want. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

pointythings · 09/04/2020 15:30

Yes, people are harsh. It's because they've been there and seen where it ends. My OH's poison was alcohol, but I did all the same things - deluded myself, thought if I loved him enough he would change, spent terrified hours, days, weeks watching the levels in the bottles drop and new ones appear when they were empty. I stayed with him too long and my DDs are still paying the price. He's dead now.

If he wanted to change, he'd seek proper rehab. He'd move out and stay apart from you until he had had at least a year sober. He'd go to meetings frequently.

Instead he uses and lies to you. Think about that.

And yes, people do change. My Dsis' DP is an alcoholic. He's been sober 10 years. It took a lot of hard work and honesty. The first thing he had to do was stop lying - to her and more importantly to himself. Your DP isn't anywhere near ready to do that.

fuckoffImcounting · 09/04/2020 16:30

Its great that you are going to be a mum OP. However, your bloke has shown you who he is - you should believe him.

rvby · 09/04/2020 16:53

@janepar1 when you spent that many sentences explaining how he is a lovely guy really and that the drugs were totally under control, my heart sank with each passing word.

This man knows you will put up with anything he does. So he does what he wants to and lies to your face.

This is the first time hes lied to me, and I know that

Sweetheart. No. You don't know that. Not at all. That's what lying is like, you can never know when the first time was that they lied. You just noticed this time - intuition is often sharpened during early pregnancy.

You have no idea what this person is really like. When you talked about how "we" have worked on his depression.... oh dear. You are in for a very rough ride. You are a textbook case for a drug abuser's partner who will not see the truth until the bitter end. Google "enabler" and see if anything resonates.

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear. My heart goes out to you and baby. I hope you can salvage a decent life without this guy in it, he will only bring you heartache x

BumbleBeee69 · 09/04/2020 17:05

Christ what a waste of space your pregnant too... FFS Hmm

TheBouquets · 09/04/2020 17:11

You said that you lived with your mother. Does your mother know that there are drugs being taken inside her property. I am not totally sure but I think your mum could be in trouble being the householder of a property in which drugs are and are being used. Do you want that for your mother? Does your mother accept drug taking in her house?
This is decision time. You could carry on being blind to what your DP is doing and bring a child into the mix. You could maybe get a place for you DP and baby but with him not providing and you having a 20% reduction in pay it is going to be a vey poor place. You could stay on with your mother and have the baby but get rid of the DP. If you go to stay with DP and baby in a low end flat you will likely cause your poor mum a million worries. As PP mentioned a cokehead dad tried to strangle a child. This does happen I know because I was that mother/grandmother

babbez · 09/04/2020 17:21

You need to choose: boyfriend or baby, at the end of the day. Not a fun decision, but you obviously know what you should do.

Boyfriend lied about drug taking - seriously worried
Carrotgirl87 · 09/04/2020 18:03

I was you once, coke problem turned to crack problem turned to heroin problem. My husband died aged 33. We were seperated by then. Nothing you do, NOTHING, will change his path, and if you stay it will be a long and painful one. I'm sorry for you, but think very hard before you take a step down that road. X

Carrotgirl87 · 09/04/2020 18:05

@rvby you talk much sense. I wish I'd read that 12 years ago.

Avocado2020 · 09/04/2020 20:18

My partner is unfortunately somewhat the same.
Unfortunately mine isn't going to change and I'm in the process of leaving him. Just know you aren't alone, and I know you'll do what is best for your baby. Wishing you all the best! ThanksThanks

miccymaccy · 09/04/2020 20:32

Lots of voices of experience here so please listen, even if it's not what you want to hear. Mumsnet is full of women like yourself, who fell in love with men they thought they could fix and are now living with the reality, me included. Trust me when I say they don't change. These are the better years of your life believe it or not. You go out together and have fun. Wait till your life is paying the mortgage and kids and bills and housework. You'll end up hating him. If he can't pull his weight now he never will. 30, drugs, depression, unstable work - you deserve better and so does that baby. Good luck OP.

june2007 · 09/04/2020 20:39

He doesn,t sound like an addict more of recreational user, however I is def worth laying your groundrules. He is a parent now. I have met parents who have used and are holding steady jobs ect, but I think it,s a slippery slope. Also remind him about the costs. It,s time he stepped up.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2020 20:46

A coke addict may be a person, but not a person I would want to have a baby with. Or a relationship, come to that.
Why did his ex girlfriend die, was it cocaine ?