Advice needed please big-time!
I have an up/down relationship with my now 16 year old step daughter which does not seem to improve regardless of what I do or not do. She was an only child up until 5 years ago when my now husband & I met. I have 2 children D-13, S-16.
Generally speaking, Hubby & I have a great relationship & do both have a real love for each other. Any arguments that have been had have been about the children.
We are all under pressure currently with the lockdown, a couple of us having had the virus, a dog being run over in a hit & run 5 weeks ago... was very luck survive as well as 2 16 year olds who were due to have GCSE's but will no longer.
Stepdaughter is with us for 7 out of 14 nights in a 2 week pattern.
Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us. There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay. It has been a real challenge trying to keep a balance all round, trying not to upset her & then I have my kids ask why me she gets away with things & they do not.
It has not been as easy run of things & I do get upset at how dismissive & distant she can be.... she rarely thinks of anyone else but herself & can be rude to her father (as my children can be to me) but he ignores this. Since the start of year 11 back in September, she has been telling hubby that she would prefer to spend more time at her mum's for her GCSE's. Then since Christmas, she has been saying she would prefer to spend more time with her mother so that she can see her boyfriend as well as GCSE's - again Hubby talking her out of it.
Well last week, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.
She now does not want to come to our house again or never see me again.
My hubby has told me in the last couple of days that he feels torn between his daughter & our marriage. He wants both.
He feels that the only way to have both now is to move into another property currently rented out on the nights we would normally have his daughter and then return back to our family home when she is not.
I really do not feel that this will work..... because the issue will not have properly been addressed, because my step-daughter will always feel she has one-up and can pull Daddy away at any time.
I also feel that it would not be right as it would be a strain on our marriage as if life right now is not already stressful..... it would also have financial implications that neither can really afford that would add a further strain.
I also feel that my stepdaughter would still not really be happy at staying with her Dad in a property in the middle of nowhere, no public transport etc & I feel that as she gets to do what she wants when she is with her mother - prefers that lifestyle as she can see her boyfriend whenever she likes & is also the "only child" at her Mothers house.
Hubby has now already given notice to tenants in other property. I really feel that what he is suggesting should not happen at all?
Am I wrong to feel this way and wanting to find an alternative solution or should I go along with what hubby is proposing to do?
Any advice would be extremely appreciated. TIA. x