Step-daughter issues & my marriage

[JJShack]

Advice needed please big-time!
I have an up/down relationship with my now 16 year old step daughter which does not seem to improve regardless of what I do or not do. She was an only child up until 5 years ago when my now husband & I met. I have 2 children D-13, S-16.
Generally speaking, Hubby & I have a great relationship & do both have a real love for each other. Any arguments that have been had have been about the children.
We are all under pressure currently with the lockdown, a couple of us having had the virus, a dog being run over in a hit & run 5 weeks ago... was very luck survive as well as 2 16 year olds who were due to have GCSE's but will no longer.
Stepdaughter is with us for 7 out of 14 nights in a 2 week pattern.
Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us. There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay. It has been a real challenge trying to keep a balance all round, trying not to upset her & then I have my kids ask why me she gets away with things & they do not.
It has not been as easy run of things & I do get upset at how dismissive & distant she can be.... she rarely thinks of anyone else but herself & can be rude to her father (as my children can be to me) but he ignores this. Since the start of year 11 back in September, she has been telling hubby that she would prefer to spend more time at her mum's for her GCSE's. Then since Christmas, she has been saying she would prefer to spend more time with her mother so that she can see her boyfriend as well as GCSE's - again Hubby talking her out of it.
Well last week, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.
She now does not want to come to our house again or never see me again.
My hubby has told me in the last couple of days that he feels torn between his daughter & our marriage. He wants both.
He feels that the only way to have both now is to move into another property currently rented out on the nights we would normally have his daughter and then return back to our family home when she is not.
I really do not feel that this will work..... because the issue will not have properly been addressed, because my step-daughter will always feel she has one-up and can pull Daddy away at any time.
I also feel that it would not be right as it would be a strain on our marriage as if life right now is not already stressful..... it would also have financial implications that neither can really afford that would add a further strain.
I also feel that my stepdaughter would still not really be happy at staying with her Dad in a property in the middle of nowhere, no public transport etc & I feel that as she gets to do what she wants when she is with her mother - prefers that lifestyle as she can see her boyfriend whenever she likes & is also the "only child" at her Mothers house.
Hubby has now already given notice to tenants in other property. I really feel that what he is suggesting should not happen at all?
Am I wrong to feel this way and wanting to find an alternative solution or should I go along with what hubby is proposing to do?
Any advice would be extremely appreciated. TIA. x

I think you were unreasonable to blow up at her when your h is the bigger problem for allowing that kind of behaviour from her.

She's 16- prime time for contact frequency to go down, especially if you don't live near her friends, boyfriend, any part-time job etc

I think the most unreasonable part was your h kicking out the tenants. This is a horrible time for being served notice.

While your h's solution will get what everybody wants, I predict that it won't be long before sd feels the pull of friends and bf over her Dad and starts making excuses.

Have you apologised to her for your drunken comments? Because I think you were bang out of order and quite frankly would consider that abusive bullying behaviour. An adult letting rip at a teenager is very wrong...especially not your own child, who won't have unconditional love for you.

You do realise that if she was at school and told a teacher what you did, it would raise cause for concern.

How would you feel if your 16 year old told you their stepmum blew up at them like this?

Of course she doesn't want to see you again...who would blame her. Even your actions now just show you're only concerned about your marriage...you don't give a damn about her, so don't try to make out that you do.

If he doesn't make this arrangement to keep seeing her, it will be very damaging for their relationship.

You're lucky you're still married. If you were my OH you'd have been out on your arse.

This.

Why did you ever think it was a good idea to "tell off" your stepdaughter, from age 11-16? Yes, obviously she will talk to her father about that. You were a stranger to her? Who in your life taught you that that would be a good strategy for blending families?

And to get drunk and rip a strip off of her in her own home? Are you also 16?

Do whatever your DH says is best. You've lost the moral high ground here. If you learn to be gracious and get the fuck out of the way, starting immediately, there's a chance that your marriage will survive this. Awful behaviour, get your shit together ASAP.

my step-daughter will always feel she has one-up and can pull Daddy away at any time.

After you caused thus, you still want to blame her. Really? Where's your self reflection on all this?

I also feel that it would not be right as it would be a strain on our marriage as if life right now is not already stressful.....

You're competing with his daughter. Just stop. Its wrong on so many levels.

it would also have financial implications that neither can really afford that would add a further strain.

You come across as very selfish tbh..it's all about you

The mention of your SD not being happy in the rental property, was thrown in for good measure...not out of concern.

There's not an ounce of remorse for your behaviour...you still blame your SD for everything.

How awful it must have been for her to have this happen. Its terrible. If I was her mum, I'd be furious and I'd be having some serious words with you, as your husband clearly isn't able to stand up for his DD.

'Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us. There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay. It has been a real challenge trying to keep a balance all round, trying not to upset her & then I have my kids ask why me she gets away with things & they do not.

Am I the only one that read this part? Sounds like she's been getting her own way for years by using emotional blackmail against her dad.'

@DuesToTheDirt I totally agree! I think the biggest issue though is that her Dad clearly hasn't addressed these issues so it's him you should be mad at. Why he's let it go on like this for so long is beyond me. I think he's both a crap parent and a crap partner and I'd be the one kicking HIM out personally OP!

'Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us.

This doesn't make sense...I think over the years you have told her off and that's when she complains to her dad and says she doesn't want to come over.

You may have reduced telling her off, because of her response.
It also comes across as though these 'tellings off' were not done in the presence of her dad.

Your dislike (that's putting it mildly) is very clear and alcohol enabled you to let your true feelings come out, without considering the impact on your SD.

There's no doubt she's picked up on your dislike for her and that contributes to the way she is. I would agree, that her behaviour is pretty normal for a teenager who has to cope with a SM and step siblings who live with her dad.

I also agree with a pp who said your drunken blow up, would have been the end of the marriage for a lot of parents in this situation.

Shocking and disrespectful behaviour all round by all of the adults involved - which will have massive negative impact on everyone including your own DCs.

Sounds a v volatile, fractious and disharmonious home.

Lots of contempt and resentment festering away and bad role models.

Sounds like your DH has no backbone - or is sitting back allowing you to “discipline” his DD - why did his marriage fail?

Or maybe you are champing at the bit “telling her off” - where are your boundaries? Letting rip at her whilst drunk is vile - you should be ashamed. Hope your own DCs didn’t see this. No wonder your DH is moving out by stealth?

All round it’s not working. You are not working together on this.

Sounds ridiculous to me to expect a teenager to pack up and shift homes every 7 nights. Your DH is unreasonable not allowing her flexibility as she matures.

Is he controlling or needy?

She’s 16 and gave clear reasons for wanting to spend more time with her Mum/ bf but was ‘talked out of it’ —guilted— into maintaining a contact arrangement that no longer suits her.

You might not like it but him moving out might be the best solution because understandably she doesn’t want to spend anymore time in your company.

It isn’t about wining or losing, by framing the situation as a competition, you’re dismissing her feelings. Spending every other week with a woman and her similarly aged kids, just so you can spend time with your own father is more of a sacrifice than you can appreciate.

Your drunken outburst has changed things and who could blame her for not wanting to go back to living with you, it’s unfortunate that your outburst is the event that made her father acknowledge her feelings.

, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.

You got drunk and ranted at a teenager, instead of dealing with the real problem (her Disney dad) so you’ve no leg to stand on now the ructions play out.

It all sounds very dysfunctional, though. Your DH is making (trying to make) a family homeless in the middle of a pandemic, to run two homes, one purely for contact with his DD, who has been trying to reduce contact anyway.

It doesn’t sound as though you can really afford to run two homes. Is he going to have to furnish and kit out the other place again? Then what? Continue to cajole DD into 50:50 for how long?

It all sounds so dysfunctional. You need to apologise to SDD. Your DH needs to get a grip and start parenting normally and you probably all need family counselling.

If you go off down this road of two homes and a rift between you and his DD, your marriage will disintegrate. He won’t be able to operate with his wife and daughter on non speaks for very long. It will be a huge strain. Are you quite sure this isn’t his way of quietly leaving you?

Did you apologise to her?

I'm embarrassed for you. You drunkenly ranted at your stepdaughter to the point she no longer feels she can be around you. Shameful.

There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay.

Maybe she just doesn't like them?

Did you consider the children before you got together? What say did they have?

It's tough being forced to accept your step siblings as a big part of your life when you don't particularly like them and haven't chosen the situation. It's easy to see this as her being manipulative and getting her own way, but so what? Compare it to how you would feel if your DH suddenly decided you were going to be a polyamorous couple and he moved another woman in 2 weeks of every month and you had no say in it. This is how children of blended families feel ALL THE TIME. It's shit. It very, very rarely works as well as the parent and step parent who have subjected them to it like to pretend it does. The adults in these scenarios are often very selfish and completely in denial.

Let her stay her mum's and your DH can visit her as often as possible. I think she'll soon get fed up of staying alone in this other property with him, if as you say it's in the middle of nowhere, so that won't be a solution for long.

Don't your children ever stay with their dad? Can they not go elsewhere for a while so she can have some time in her dad's home without them there?

Your DSD was clear that she wanted to spend more time at her mums so she could be near boyfriend and friends- I think that is completely reasonable at 16 and that your DH should have listened to her and accommodated this.

It's appalling he's trying to evict his tenants at this time, another worry for them on top of COronaVirus and they will really struggle to find somewhere else.

It sounds to me like your DHs insistence on 50/50 when it's not what his daughter wants or needs has created this situation.

You got drunk and ranted at a teenager, instead of dealing with the real problem (her Disney dad) so you’ve no leg to stand on now the ructions play out.

Eh? I agree the OP was wrong to do this but how exactly is the father a Disney Dad and what is he doing wrong in all this?

You have little sympathy for a teenager forced to spend half her life with strangers. Of course she would rather spend more time with her mum and I think that would be the best solution. It's not about being spoiled it's about being comfortable in her own home and only being with her family. Teenage years are hard enough without adding this to the mix. That's why I will never live with a man again whilst my kids are still at home, it isn't fair on them or anyone. Different homes and get together mostly when they kids are with their other parent. One thing is getting together when the kids are toddlers but mixing homes at that age and then on top of that your lack of empathy and understanding is appalling.

And also, most 16 year olds want to spend a lot of time with their friends and boy/girlfriend. That's normal.

Is there any reason why your SD can't see her boyfriend when she stays with you.

I think the other house is a stupid idea when she clearly doesn't really want to come that much anyway.

She's 16, the most important things to her right now are her mates and her boyfriend, not spending 7 days sat with her dad not able to see any of them, unfortunately your husband needs to realise that and let her do what she wants to do (in terms of contact I mean).

I lived with my Dad growing up but had contact with my mum. It stopped being 'set' when I got to around this age and instead I'd just stay with my mum on the odd days when I wanted to and stayed with my Dad the rest of the time where all my friends were. Hanging out with my parents just wasn't all that important to me at that age, he'll just have to deal with that.

And surely your husband isn't giving notice to tenants during the midst of this situation? How horrible

There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay

You know it’s ok to be frustrated that adults and children you did not choose to be in your life are in your life, don’t you? Rather than looking at her behaviour and being angry and upset with her, have a look at how your husband behaves? Is he doing the right thing?

You sound like you can’t stand the girl - and that will be part of the problem. Your husband is offering an ideal so,union. What else do you want? Because it sounds like you want him to choose you.

Oh and getting drunk and ranting at a child? Hard to know where to begin with that.

Am I wrong to feel this way and wanting to find an alternative solution

You can feel how you feel and nobody can take those feelings away, but whether those feelings are justified given your behaviour is another matter.

or should I go along with what hubby is proposing to do?

I think that's a good idea, unless you have another proposal, that would be agreeable for everyone.

Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

As it stands, you've upset the whole family with your behaviour.

You need to apologise to all them, including and especially your step daughter, since she got the brunt of your attack.

You need to bear in mind that perhaps your DH is evaluating your marriage after your outburst.

No parent really wants to hear their child criticised or spoken to as you did....and by saying you were fed up, it's very clear that you've not liked her for a long time, if at at all.

Would you want to be married to someone who had these feelings towards your child?

How would you feel if he did what you did to your child? Would you find it acceptable because he was drunk?

What I continue to find about your post, is a total lack of personal responsibility for the situation.

You have presented yourself as a blameless victim who lost it, because of your 16 year old SD....who you present as the persecutor.

Well last week, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.

I'd be interested to know what the "whole family" aspect is here. Were your own kids upset by how you spoke to DSD (if so, that proves exactly how over the line you were given the obvious divide between them all). Or did you upset them separately about something else?

I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems. Oh how alcohol makes that mask slip.

Don't kid yourself that she didn't already know your opinion of her, and it being a factor as to why she doesn't want to come over. Now you have hit the final nail in the coffin, op. My mother said something similar to me (she never wanted me, blamed me for everything - even her affairs which ended 2 of her marriages) and I never came back from it. Haven't spoken to her for 30yrs.

As it stands, you've upset the whole family with your behaviour.

You need to apologise to all them, including and especially your step daughter, since she got the brunt of your attack.

You need to bear in mind that perhaps your DH is evaluating your marriage after your outburst.

This.

You got pissed and told a child you don't like her. That you don't like her being around. That she's the cause of trouble in the family.

You're an adult and frankly it sounds like she's been communicating with her father in a more mature way than you by negotiating her contact arrangements.

I'm not sure you realise how laced with disdain for her some of your comments are.

step-daughter will always feel she has one-up and can pull Daddy away at any time.

This is so passive aggressive and sarcastic, I can hear how you've said 'daddy' here.

It's very clear you don't like her and your main concern is letting her 'win'.

Do you not see how that comes across with your words? And do you not think she's been painfully aware you feel that way for years?

If my partner behaved how you did, getting pissed and telling my child they didn't like them and saw them as a problem, you'd be single as fuck very quickly indeed.

I guess you might not come back now because people have been shocked at your behaviour but it would be a really valuable thing for you to engage with this and try to see how shocking your attitude is from the outside as it sounds like you've been so caught up in it that you don't think what you've done is very bad.

How old are you OP? Not necessarily in years, but emotionally?

Because DSD seems more mature than you in laying out her boundaries - which you don't seem to respect. She has said what she wants, and she's being bounced into a situation she doesn't want to be in, again. How exactly did you 'upset the whole family'?

I am awaiting a drip feed of geyser like proportions.