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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I need to stop texting him?

30 replies

pinkflowersr · 08/04/2020 15:03

11 months ago I met a guy through a mutual friend.
We got on great and started dating.
Thought things were going great (he had been a player but thought we had something special )
Then he tells me he just wants to be friends as it's all too much too soon.
We stop speaking for a week.
Continue to text for two months meet up and sleep together.
Then start dating again once again it's going well then he panics and stops it.
That was January.
I said this is pathetic your hurting me.
Done
He blocked me on everything.
3 weeks later he texts apologising for the way he treated me.
Now we have been texting every day since feb.
No talk of meeting up or anything (lockdown not helping )
My head is constantly a mess
I have feelings for him still
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/04/2020 15:05

My head is constantly a mess

This is why you need to step away. Sadly it sounds like he is using you. Your turn to block him and walk away

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2020 15:11

He is still a player and he has not changed an iota. You have been used accordingly by him for his own ends.

Stop letting him treat you so appallingly here; why is your own relationship bar this bloody low in the first place?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You deserve better from relationships and you also need to love your own self for a change.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Dr Robin Norwood. Have a read also of the Baggage Reclaim website; be someone's priority rather than a fallback girl or mere option.

SparkleUK · 08/04/2020 15:11

This sounds like it's only ever going to be a circle and one that's not benefiting you in any way or being a fulfilling relationship.

As hard as it is, he will be happy to carry on this cycle for however long he wants or you entertain him and his behaviour. I believe that if someone wants to be with you, they'll know and their actions will make it clear to you. Your mental health is important and this isn't serving you.

merryhouse · 08/04/2020 15:33

You want a relationship.

He wants to have fun and sex.

You're incompatible.

Original poster
pinkflowersr · 08/04/2020 15:33

It's almost like he starts getting feelings and then cuts them off before anything can develop
I don't understand
I just feel so down all the time
It's nearly a year since we met
Things could have been so different

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2020 15:38

But they are not and they will not be.

Value your own self more. He is the master of push me pull you and there is no future in such a dysfunctional relationship.

Pickupapenguinnnn · 08/04/2020 15:42

You do understand you just don't like the truth. - he's not into you, he's into himself, he's a twat, he doesn't want a relationship but will tell women what they want to hear to get sex and attention.

Things could never have been different because see above.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2020 15:57

I just feel so down all the time
Why would you do this to yourself?
YES you should just stop texting him.
He is literally messing with your mental health.
Never EVER allow anyone to do that!

Original poster
pinkflowersr · 08/04/2020 16:02

I know he doesn't want a relationship or it would have happened before now.
He knows I've got feelings but is happy to ...about.
He told me before he would get with anything
I thought eventually he would grow up and stop.

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 08/04/2020 16:05

He’s just a boy, playing around. Move on and create your own happiness.

Interestedwoman · 08/04/2020 16:06

He is in control of everything, treats you like shit and then you are delighted when he throws you a crumb. Perhaps consider why you're so desperate for his approval that you allow him to treat you this way, pick you up and drop you, then are happy when he briefly deigns to speak to you. I did that too and it was probably stuff from my school or family life as a child.

Take control, show him and yourself that it's not ok to treat you this way. You don't have to say anything, just block on everything.

It'll make you feel better, either immediately or after a bit.

Original poster
pinkflowersr · 08/04/2020 16:17

The only thing really that happened in my childhood was my mum passing away when I was 13.
I'm 31 now so that was a very long time ago so that's probably not why I'm acting so desperate now.
I get attached to people it's silly

OP posts:
TwilightPeace · 08/04/2020 16:20

He’s messing with you, emotionally and mentally. It’s an unhealthy dynamic. Do you feel addicted to the highs and lows?

Yes, stop texting him. Work on your self-esteem so that you won’t desperately chase a man for scraps of affection. You deserve more!

Straycatblue · 08/04/2020 16:21

You need to reframe the narrative you are telling yourself about what is actually happening .

You've allowed your imagination to tell yourself that you are in some sort of star crossed lovers movie where one day he will finally open his eyes and see what is right in front of him and you will live happily ever after.

Instead you have wasted a year of your life on man who uses you for sex when he wants too and treats you badly when you want more.

Hes not mixed up, hes not a poor soul who is confused and you do not have to let him make the decisions, ie you should be the one blocking him and cutting off contact, not hanging around like a lost puppy waiting for the morsels he throws you.

If your life with this man was in fact a movie, don't you see you would be the pathetic desperate woman who cant see she is being used and goes back for more time and time again with no hope of having a happy romance because shes so caught up in the loser relationship where she gets thrown crumbs every now and again that she misses any possibility of romance with a decent man.

You need to be your own hero and give yourself a cheer when you cut him off and out of your life and focus on building up your self esteem so you can have healthy relationships.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2020 16:31

I would imagine losing your mum at such a young age is exactly why you attach to people so easily.
Please look into this.
My DD has proper attachment/abandonment issues as her Dad left her when she was 11 and basically didn't bother with her.
You lost your mum. I can't imagine what that does to someone so young.
Don't minimise that.
It probably has everything to do with why you are accepting this awful, crappy behaviour.

Dery · 08/04/2020 17:10

“I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Dr Robin Norwood. Have a read also of the Baggage Reclaim website; be someone's priority rather than a fallback girl or mere option.”

Seconding the Norwood recommendation here. It is very good at explaining the addictive nature of dysfunctional relationships and how to move beyond them. This guy is still a player and just telling you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you sweet. If a man is really into you, he doesn’t mess you around and doesn’t leave you second-guessing yourself all the time. You’ll know when you’ve found that kind of relationship because it will feel easy.

ChristmasFluff · 08/04/2020 18:15

This is how he succeeds at being a player.

No player says to the women he shags 'I'm only after sex, you're nothing special.' They do it by faking 'connection'.

That 'Women Who Love Too Much' is a fab recommendation, and I would also recommend Natalie Lue's BaggageReclaim.co.uk site, and her podcasts and books.

Someone who loved, cared, trusted and respected themselves would have told him to jog on a long time ago.

You could waste a hell of a lot more of your life doing what Natalie Lue calls 'banking on potential'. It's similar to the 'sunk costs fallacy', which you can google. That potential is never going to come to fruition. The costs are never going to be recouped. Cut your losses now, please xx

user1481840227 · 08/04/2020 20:21

You need to realise that the way he's treating you, being so hot and cold, dropping you and then picking you back up when it suits him makes you feel so grateful for the times he's good to you and makes you put him on a pedestal and feel special when he comes back to you.

The truth is that there are millions of shit guys out there who can make you feel just as shit (and then special) all by using the same techniques.

He's an asshole. Get rid of him. You deserve better!

ConstanceDoodleton · 08/04/2020 20:23

Dump him. He isn't interested in you and he is deliberately wasting your time

Honeyroar · 08/04/2020 20:27

He’s still a player and he’s still hurting you. Don’t put yourself through it again. His behaviour is not good enough.

anotherdisaster · 08/04/2020 20:27

It's almost like he starts getting feelings and then cuts them off before anything can develop
No he doesn't get feelings. Sorry you are deluding yourself on that front. He doesn't care about you and is keeping you dangling because 1. he can and 2. he has no other options
You deserve so much better.

Amichelle84 · 08/04/2020 20:31

He's not cutting off potential feelings before they develop, hes using you and messing with your head on purpose. Delete his number.

noyoucannotcomein · 08/04/2020 20:40

It's almost like he starts getting feelings and then cuts them off before anything can develop

No. Sorry, OP. He feels nothing for you, apart from contempt.

That's not meant to sound harsh - I've been there.

I also lost my parents as a child, so I empathise with you there also. You deserve much more than this Thanks

Rainbowqueeen · 08/04/2020 20:40

Block and delete

Use the lockdown to look at some of the tools suggested here and to work on yourself

You sound like you want a relationship. This guy does not. The more time you waste on him the less time you have to get what you want.
You are important. What you want is important. Believe that and act upon it. This includes realising that this guy really couldn’t care less what you want. You don’t need someone like that in your life.

Windmillwhirl · 08/04/2020 20:41

Sounds like he's bored. Nothing else has changed, with lockdown his options are limited.

Some greatcreplues on here already about being a priority.

Any relationship that causes undue anxiety is a concern.

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