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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newly separated

34 replies

freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 09:23

Good morning mumsnet!

I hope you are all well during this strange time. A few weeks ago I took a massive leap and told my partner that I have been unhappy for a long time and wished to separate, something I have been torturing myself with mentally for a few years. After many emotional conversations and a lot of emotional ups and downs in my head I like to think I am adjusting. We are nearly at a stage where he has secured a new property and hope in the next week or so he will be in the position to move, yes can you imagine we are currently still living together in lockdown ha ha ha. We have one DC.

Anyway, I have stayed away from mumsnet for a few years, as over the past few years I have been ‘unsure’ what to do and find that sometimes mumsnetters are very quick to jump in with definitive advice (and judgement - sorry don’t shoot me Blush) when sometimes you are just looking for someone to chat with.

Anyhow, I am just wondering if there are mumsnetters out there going through or have gone the same wanting to chat? I am also wondering how you are coping, managing your emotions, your stresses, your worries ect.

Daffodil
OP posts:
Thisisshit4567 · 08/04/2020 10:22

Similar, I found out my DH has been having (another) affair on Monday night and he left yesterday.
I'm kind of ok, but then go through periods of grieving the life I thought I had and all the plans we had. It feels like the situation is compounded by lockdown and not being able to see people or go and do things to take my mind off it.
Don't really have any advice, just taking it hour by hour at the moment.

YesILikeItToo · 08/04/2020 10:38

My husband left me in the legal sense at the end of last year, but we are still sharing a house. I was house hunting, and now the market has stopped. Everything feels very different now, I care less about things other than survival, but I also feel closer to him because he’s the only adult I see. It feels as though after lockdown I will have to realise the marriage is over all over again.

Original poster
freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 11:02

Hey ladies,

Thisisshit - I am so sorry to hear that, I hope you are looking after yourself and staying strong during this time, better things are coming Smile

Ilikeittoo - It is hard isn't it considering we cannot go out freely or spend time with family and friends, hope you are also keeping well and staying strong. We will all get through this (with mental sanity in tact) Wink

OP posts:
Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 08/04/2020 12:44

I too am newly separated and am finding this whole situation challenging to say the least! I'm living with my ex and it doesn't look like I'll be able to move out for a while...

My main problem is that he's the only person I see and talk to. We're becoming very much like close friends, which could be a beautiful thing but he says once I move out, that'll change. The marriage was awful and lots of thought went in to separation. We are better as friends but we are such close friends that I don't know what I'll do without him! Does that make sense?

altiara · 08/04/2020 12:56

I’m newly separated, husband moved out beginning of March. Can’t imagine how lockdown would’ve been with him. It’s stressful enough having him ranting when we see each other handing the kids over. Everyone else is finding lockdown a bit miserable and I’m really happy, I make decisions myself and don’t get told that’s stupid or not a priority etc I finally have energy to sort out clutter and do some home decorating.
I am really pissed off that he keeps trying to take my birthday presents though! I knew at the time he bought them because he liked them - vase, jug, drinking glasses. But I did assume that he thought I’d also like them, but no he bought them so he could have them. Made me really sad that there was more proof that he didn’t give a shit about me. And now he wants a present that his mum bought me! He thinks she bought it for him Angry

PickledLilly · 08/04/2020 13:03

I’m having to play happy families at the moment. I was quietly putting plans in place to leave just before lockdown happened so now I’m stuck here indefinitely. It’s very confusing because I’ve no idea how long this might go on and I don’t want to tell him and then be stuck here in a difficult atmosphere so I’m having to pretend everything is fine. It’s very weird.

Original poster
freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 13:11

Nogoodwithgoodbyes - I completely understand and get the same worries running through my head. Will I be ok with him? Will I be lonely?

However when I look back at our relationship I know in my heart that I am more happy and content without him like when I have been abroad visiting relatives ect. For me it comes down to being true to myself and what I want from life. But don't get me wrong I still get doubts and anxiety so totally understand. It will all work out ok (as I tell myself constantly WinkGrin)

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 13:13

Alteria - It goes to show that you have made the right decision. Hope things get easier with communication with ex x

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 13:15

PickledLily - Hugs for you, this was me for many years pretending that everything was ok when inside I knew I was not happy. Stay strong during this time and make sure you take the time to care for yourself and your headspace x

OP posts:
Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 08/04/2020 14:54

Thanks @freshstartbabe It takes a lot of self-confidence to go through with a separation, which I'm realising. I'm also realising that my STBEXH get on SO much better as friends, which convinces me every time that 'it'll be different this time!' Such a headf**k but like you, I know in my heart of hearts that it wasn't the right marriage and there is so much behind that statement.

I hear you @PickledLily, I was there too...nothing can force it. It just takes time and then one day the fire inside pushes you to action. There's nothing wrong with doing nothing sometimes.

@Alteria That's yuck about the presents. My gosh! That certainly confirms your decision anyhow, I'm sure.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 08/04/2020 14:55

@Altiara I meant :-)

Jackeroosmum · 08/04/2020 15:05

Hi all. I'm in the same situation and just need some moral support and hand holding through all this. I found out in October that my husband had had an affair in 2017 - lasted a couple of months, he ended it and even changed jobs. I found out as he got drunk and confessed to a friend and I saw the msg. Unfortunately this wasn't the first time, he had 2 one night stands in 2013 too. Again I found out and we went to counselling as our marriage was a mess anyway and we wanted to try again. But this time I can't get over it. He moved out in February (took so long as a week after I discovered the affair my dad had a heart attack and I became his carer until January). The fact we are in lockdown is not helping at all - we are the only adults we see and I found myself getting too close to him again. We are still friends which is good but also very painful at times. I am grieving for the life we had the life I had planned for us together. And my friends and family seem to have forgotten about it all amongst the stress of the pandemic. I'm feeling very alone and sad and confused 😔

annacharles111 · 08/04/2020 16:17

OP - bravo for your courage. Couldn't have been easy. Here's a tip to get you on the path to feeling better: it all comes down to changing your thoughts. This may sound a bit weird, but stay with me.

@Jackeroosmum I hope this will help you too.

At the moment let's say you're feeling vulnerable? That's not a great emotion. You're feeling vulnerable because you're thinking "will I be ok without him"

So instead ask yourself, how do you WANT to feel? Reading your post I think you may want to feel 'courageous'?

Then ask yourself what you need to think to make yourself feel courageous. How about "I chose to not put up with the affairs anymore." or "I am committed to building a new life without him." Something like that, but whatever it is, you have to really believe those thoughts. This isn't just trotting out some positive thoughts that mean nothing.

What happens? Someone who thinks "I am committed to building a new life without him", who then feels courageous is someone who starts taking real action to move forward with her life. It really works.

DM me if you have questions (I could give loads more tips)

Original poster
freshstartbabe · 08/04/2020 21:05

@annacharles111 I completely agree!

It's all about mindset and the thoughts you let go through your head, for me in the past it has been a struggle to not let anxious thoughts dictate my actions and control my life. I would LOVE to DM you but I just cannot figure out how Blush

OP posts:
PickledLilly · 08/04/2020 21:42

Oh I’ve definitely made my mind up! I just can’t physically do anything about it whilst we are in lockdown so I’m in this weird limbo where I know I’m going but he doesn’t and the kids don’t know either and I’m having to play along.

I’ve got somewhere lined up to move to but I can’t go until the world settles down. I’m 10 years into this relationship and I’ve been trying to get my arse in gear to get out of it for a long time, it’s a bit frustrating that just as I was finally sorting out an exit plan it has all been put on hold but I’m just biding my time.

pog100 · 08/04/2020 22:12

OP @freshstartbabe, to DM someone, click on the three dots bottom left of their message and choose PM from the options. Simple as that. Might be different in the app, I don't use it.

annacharles111 · 08/04/2020 22:25

@freshstartbabe - sounds great. You can just click 'message poster' on any of my replies and I should receive it.

Yodasdog · 09/04/2020 00:42

In a similar position although not quite as far along as you.
Only been together for 16 months but it meant an awful lot to me.
Not happy anymore and have started to feel like we are flogging a dead horse so to speak. I have a child so stability and a sense of family is so important and is what I want for my future. Have realised lately that I don’t think it’s possible to have that in this relationship. My partner struggles to cope with feeling second best and with feeling like the outsider. Had the talk tonight. I am heart broken but we are just wasting each other’s time pretending we can be a family.
Difficult during this lockdown, we both work from home, we both work for the same company and my heart wants something my head knows it can’t have so I need to try to be strong.

LiteraryType · 09/04/2020 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
freshstartbabe · 09/04/2020 14:03

@annacharles111 I am using the MN app, and cannot seem to find the 'message poster' option, would I need to use a browser?

@Yodasdog It's hard isn't it, what did he say when you told him how you feel?

Btw ladies my ex-DP is set to move next Thursday! I am hoping and praying that it will be ok through the lockdown... keys are being posted directly to him and he has managed to do everything remotely so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstartbabe · 09/04/2020 14:04

Freedom is coming!!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstartbabe · 09/04/2020 14:09

Just to add as well, one of the things (there was many) that made it difficult for me was that my mum is of the mind that you should stay together (nearly) no matter what if you have a child. I tell her I have tried to make it work and I'm not sure she believes me, so I get a sense of disapproval from her...

I have come to the conclusion however that if my mum feels so strongly about it maybe she should go out with my ex-DP Wink

OP posts:
PickledLilly · 09/04/2020 15:56

My mum thinks mine is an absolute dick head and can’t wait for me to be rid so at least that helps Grin

PickledLilly · 09/04/2020 16:00

I do get what you mean about people not being supportive though, I’ve given up talking to anyone because the few times I’ve mentioned things aren’t going well people have been very dismissive saying ‘oh I’m sure you’ll sort it out’. Perhaps I just have shit friends though.

Thisisshit4567 · 09/04/2020 16:21

@freshstartbabe my parents are very similar, really they were the driving force in us getting back together after DHs first affair. I haven't actually told them yet because I can't be bothered with the conversation and being made to feel bad for not putting up with his behaviour.

I'm having a tough day today, cried so much. I've been trying to work out how I can keep going to uni/work part time/share custody/stay afloat and at the moment the figures just aren't adding up. I'm so annoyed that I gave up a successful career to retrain thinking he had my back and now I'm not sure I'll be able to complete my course.