Boyfriend doesn't understand.

[OrangeChock]

He does not understand the word no and his attitude gets instantly crappy.

Time and time again I try to explain to him it's a shitty thing to do. I have emotional disorder anyway and struggle with affection etc but am much better with this when I feel understood and respected by someone and like I can trust them.

I've even said clearly to him how he should behave and it never changes.

We've been through a difficult time which has really pushed me back and I've asked for patience and understanding. He seems to understand and then it just happens again. He can't seem to be overly affectionate without the promise and as soon as I say no it's like he doesn't want to be like that with me anymore.

How do I get him to understand or do I need to accept he never will? Life is tough right now on top of it all with a 2 yo and working full time from home.

He just keeps saying how will it work if we can't both get what we want? He goes on like he's sex starved when usually it's multiple times a week, even when I haven't felt it as it's easier than saying no. I've asked him to support me to build up my trust in him and show me i don't need to feel pressure and that would be much more attractive and a turn on that this odd behaviour. He says he doesn't say anything about it but it's all in how he reacts. I feel I'm already trying hard with showing affection and he doesn't appreciate it takes a lot from me sometimes to feel able to do that.

Maybe I'm not making sense. Im just so hurt and upset.

Have you looked at cPTSD? Pete Walker's site is very good. Plus Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that. I think these could be useful but the bottom line is that you are desperate for affection and therefore you attract people who manipulate that need to their own ends. It's not you, it's him. You need better boundaries and until you have them you're likely to keep repeating this pattern.

Yes my therapist has also mentioned cptsd.
Unfortunately I was only a few sessions in when COVID started so that's been abandoned until they set something up online.
I felt like I was progressing and starting to build my confidence to go it alone but now I'm back to square one.
I've also looked at the Lundy book previously.
I just feel like I'll never meet anyone who is normal

Is he living in your house?

It’s not your job to give him sex on tap. He’s a boyfriend. He’s supposed to make you feel safe and wanted. Just because he asks doesn’t mean you’re obliged. His attitude is rapey and it stinks. Tell him to sling his hook. He only cares about his penis and that’s it. You need somebody better than this

This is sexual abuse. He doesn't give a toss about you, he understands perfectly well. You need to get you and your child away from him.

He's sexually abusive and coercive

Do you live with him? Can he go somewhere else now? Be safe

@OrangeChock... Have you read The Search for the Real Self by James F. Masterson? It's a while dindde I read it but I think it might provide some insight for you.

Yes he's in my house.
@FlowerArranger I haven't but I shall look it up now. I had started looking at some books online relevant to my problems just after my last therapy session and planned to ask if they would be any good but haven't been back since so any recommendations are much appreciated.

I know. I just keep thinking that if he cared like he said he does then he'd behave much more caring towards my problems. I feel like I show I care in many ways other than affection but it's just not noticed or not right.

I get we are incompatible. I just worry if he'll put someone else through this too. I just wish he'd understand but I can feel myself giving up the fight.

You are not incompatible! He's just a nasty piece of work, and he's taking advantage of you. Stop worrying about what he might do to someone else at this point in time - it's all about you right now. And stop trying to think he might understand! He does. He just doesn't see it as important, because it's all about him

^I get the courage to end it and then I find myself back again a few days later*

Block block block.

A psychiatric nurse has told me that I have emotional disorder which is like some parts of borderline personality disorder apparently

A nurse or therapist aren't qualified to diagnose. As a shrink said to me the other week, everyone has traits of something.

I's not due to anything wrong with you that you're unhappy with how he's acting. xxx

I know. I just keep thinking that if he cared like he said he does then he'd behave much more caring towards my problems

As the previous poster said, he's using you.

I just worry if he'll put someone else through this too

You don't deserve it any more than anyone else does, you don't hve to 'take one for the team.' You could tell him not to do it to other women in your goodbye text.

Or if he's been really rapey or gropey you could report him to the police. In the rare event they interview him that might make him think twice. It would also mean there was something on file about him if any other women report him in future.

He does not have any respect for you or your bodily autonomy.

This is never going to get better.

Insisting on him respecting your boundaries is normal - and he's refusing to do it.

He goes on like he's sex starved when usually it's multiple times a week, even when I haven't felt it as it's easier than saying no
Well that's coercion - and rape.
He knows you don't want or like something but badgers and pesters and wears you down emotionally and mentally until you give in.

I'd get away from him as fast as possible.

Can you chuck him out? If you asked him to go would he?

Someone else is not your problem. Nobody grows up with unconditional love. I am also receiving (online) treatment for CPTSD because of my abusive parents (both with different personality disorders). He is taking advantage of your vulnerability to manipulate this situation. He is dangerous and a very bad person. Stop analyzing this situation and get out of it!

What happens if you do say no.
What are you frightened of? Do you feel like you have to put up with coercive sex?

Having sex when you arent up for it fucks up your head and your future sex life as all it teaches you is that sex is a chore and not for you. It teaches you to disassociate during sex, like a prostitute would have to.
Please dont mess with your future fulfillment and allow him to take this from you

He chooses not to understand because he doesn’t care

You are just a duck you to him.

Toss him out before he hurts you anymore.

Duck you= fuck toy

Block block block

She can't, they're living together.

Op, this will not change. It will not change. It will not change. It will not change. He will always see you as the fuck hole he needs to relieve himself. He is one of these people incapable of understand that there are emotions at the end of the body they are so desperate to use to alleviate their lust. That the body has an actual human inside. A soul.

He. Will. Not. Change.

But you can choose what you do, and how to steer this situation. Do you put up with it? Get counselling? Or get rid of this permanently erect walking cock?

OP if you are worried that he'll 'do this to other women in future', then there is a part of you that knows that nobody should have to deal with it, and that another woman most likely wouldn't 'put out' any more than you do to make him happy. There's also a big argument there for why you should contact the police (101) and at least ask if this is something they consider to be wrong, as PP said it would be on file if he tried it again with anybody else. Especially as it's not his DC, as difficult as it would be and I completely understand why you'd be reluctant, you need to make him leave. Your DC doesn't need to see this behaviour modelled by anybody, even if it was their own father, but somehow in my head the fact it's a new person in your DCs life makes me even more concerned for them.

How long were you together before he moved in. Did he move in without your agreement. You don't have to live with someone you're in a relationship with.

He needs to leave OP. can you ship him out? You need true space to get some clarity.

He understands the word No, he just doesn't respect you enough to abide by it.

What you have there OP is a sexual abuser. He won't change because he likes being the way he is - he enjoys it.

Ah ok. Throw him out or somehow escape, then block. He's disgusting.

If I spoke to the police would he have to know that I have?
Yes there was no discussion about living together.
His argument has always been that why wouldn't I want him here, and being accused of having something to hide because I wanted my own space.
Every time I've said no without fail it's always ended badly. He always acts offended, accuses me of making things up like if I'm bleeding.
In the beginning it was complete love bombing and I was too stupid to see it.

Throw him out. You don't need this man round your daughter.