I'm pregnant, and my ex has ran back to his ex wife

[FirstTimeMum234]

I've posted on here a few times, but I really need to hear the advice of others as I am pregnant and trying so hard to stay positive.

I was with my ex for 2 years and we were very happy. He had been separated for a year when I met him and was starting to go through a divorce which completed last summer. I stuck by him through the divorce, because I truly believed he was the love of my life and that we would be together forever.

He has two children to his ex wife, one who is older so I never really saw, and a younger daughter who adored me. I met her a year into our relationship and we honestly had an amazing relationship. His ex was clearly always very bitter about our relationship, and the fact she was going through a divorce. She openly said she would do anything in her power to split us up and then 'ruin him'. It did put a strain on our relationship and I did find myself getting more anxious about her as time went on. He would constantly tell me how poisonous she was, how evil she was, that he thought she was mentally abusing their daughter, that she would stop at nothing to destroy his life etc.

Anyway, I am now 5 months pregnant, and he has left me just over 3 weeks ago. Initially, I thought it was because of how hard she was making it for him as she told his daughter I am pregnant and it caused mass chaos.. she said he won't see her again etc, basically a lot of mind games occurred and a lot of stress was caused in the last month of our relationship. But no, he's since said it is nothing to do with her, suddenly doesn't have a bad word to say about his ex wife anymore and has said he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, or our baby, and it is like something has completely switched in his mind. He said that the last 3 months of being with me were worse than being married, that he has completely lost his way, that he doesn't want to be a father again. When I asked if he is going back to his ex, the only answer I got was 'I don't know' and 'I know you'd think I was mad'. I have saved messages on my phone from the last 3 months, some even from days before he left me saying we have the rest of our lives together, I am his soulmate, no one would ever love him like I do, I'm his rock and best friend..basically promising me the world.

After how he has dismissed me being pregnant, I know now he is just the lowest of the low and I deserve better than that, but I am so so confused as to why he would go back to her. I cannot express enough how much she was out to cause him hell, and all of his family have openly said they would never welcome her back in the family as she had done a lot over the years e.g. square up to his mum!!! and cause a lot of arguments.

Am I going insane or am I missing something here?! I don't know how I could have got him so wrong, but surely it would never work between them if they got back together?? I noticed last night she viewed my story on Instagram (obviously she doesn't follow me!), but has since blocked me. Pleeeeease anyone give me their thoughts and advice!

He's an ass.
My father left right before I was born, but my mother loved me enough for the both of them. It made a special bond between us, and you'll have that, too. 💐💐💐

@beenwhereyouare he is an ass, you are right. If you don't mind me asking, did your Dad ever try to contact you or be involved in your life? I know my emotions are heightened with being pregnant, but I am still in a lot of shock and almost mourning the man I knew and loved.

You’ve been played my love and you fell for the oldest tricks in the book. Crazy ex...she’s not that crazy is she! He just didn’t want to have to do any parenting right? Which is probably why they split up because he just wants sex on tap and to be adored like he’s the king of England. He got that from you. You catered for his every whim like he was the bees knees. Then you got pregnant and poof, he’s gone. Mate. Wake up. Baby equals no more sole attention or blow jobs on tap for poor little man child :( your attention will (quite rightly) be on your child. He’s not interested in that or changing nappies. So off he goes back to the ex who is now so grateful that he’s getting his blow jobs and sex on tap and no nappies to change. He’s a gigantic selfish arsehole. He’s not exactly a prize is he! You need to cut him out of your life. Get therapy to work out why you’d even be interested in somebody like him and focus on you and your child. He’ll be back. You know that right? As soon as the free and easy BJs disappear or they argue or the shine of Mr Perfect wears off he’ll be back at your door expecting some leg over. You now need to work out how to have more respect for yourself to stop that happening. The only way he gets off is to have women fighting over him. It’s so pathetic. Please don’t play that game. He’s left you at your most vulnerable. He’s not a man. He’s a disgusting toad and you should not let him near you ever again. Self respect please.

He's an ass and a coward - afraid to be on his own. Afraid to face up his crap behaviour. Afraid to be seen (quite rightly) as the wanker in this scenario.

He knew she would welcome him back and help him vilify you. He needs to make you the villain of his narrative to excuse his shitty behaviour and she is the perfect person to help him create that narrative.

If he ran to his family, they would have told him he was a wanker. He's too cowardly to face that. So he ran to the one person he knew would allow him to be the 'hero' escaping the clutches of you, the 'evil witch' forcing him into being a father again. He knew she was desperate to have him back. It was easier to go back to hell, then face himself as the villain.

Unfortunately his hatred of her previously was a red flag. Hate is the other side of the coin to love. It's emotional enmeshment. The opposite of love is indifference.

Thank you for replying. You're both so right, and I didn't want to admit to myself that I have been massively taken a fool of. Yes I dread to think what stories he will be telling her about me to 'win her back'. No I would never beg him or fight for him etc, I haven't contacted him at all and don't plan to. As you say, he isn't exactly a prize and I know if I were his ex I certainly couldn't swallow all that he has done!

I feel for you and you have been indeed played for a fool by this idiotic man .What is it with some men? playing yo yo between you and his ex wife .Try to concentrate on you and your baby ATM .Do you have your family nearby ? Also when the baby is born he will need to pay maintenance to you as well .As PP said he will probably be back and you need to be prepared for that .His ex is a fool for taking him back as well as he will never be faithful to her either!

You got involved in their toxic marriage and he probadly enjoys the drama.

The reason he isn't confirming whether or not they are back together is because he hopes to leave the door open with you, for when he is bored again.

Sadly this is a common story of one man, manipulating 2 women and making them turn against each other. He portrayed himself as a victim and I suspect has fell for it..even his family.

I don't doubt his ex wife behaved badly at times but I suspect she has had years of him manipulating her and she doesn't feel able to cope on her own.

It is a warning, men who barmouth their Ex's will usually turn on you eventually.

Do you have family support? Was he much older than you?

Yes he is older than me, and luckily I am back with my parents now. Not ideal, but at least I am not alone whilst in isolation.

The last I heard from him he said he will reach out to me when the isolation rules have been lifted so we can meet and 'plan properly'. I don't think I can deal with hearing his bullshit to my face. What is there to plan?! He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want any involvement.

His family do keep reaching out to me to say that they still wish to be a part of the baby's life, which is nice. And I do hope that they truly mean it.

He probably won't conta t or seek to make any plans. Similar situation here, he hsf split with wife for 6 mo this, we met. We were a fling not long term like you guys but ended up pregnant. He split, saying he needed space blah blah blah. He tried to lie about going back to ex. Then said we'd still raise baby as co-parents. He then refused to plan anything for the baby except that he should pick the name and baby should have his last name (I refused both)

Funnily he popped up recently as they split, promising to be involved and slowly be in contact with DS (18moths old) saying she had banned him from knowing DS but has suddenly gone silent again. After I asked about maintenance. I had a thread about it recently in AIBU

No, it's fine to ask. I think he may have seen me at 6 weeks. He wanted to downplay it and pick up where they left things. But my mother wasn't having that. I saw him periodically through the years, and still do sometimes. When I was six, he waived his parental rights so my stepfather could adopt me, partly at the urging of his wife. (They both remarried quickly.) I know he loves me in his way, but we're not close and it's always been awkward. I avoid him, which then makes me feel guilty.

Probably the best thing my mother did was keep a friendly relationship with his parents. It allowed me to have contact with my grandparents. There was no atmosphere of bitterness between any of them, including my mother's parents and sister. Mama was always cool and civilized to my father as I was growing up.

Hopefully you'll continue to have a good relationship with his family. You can never have enough love or support for your children.

Thank you for your replies. I am just so shocked how I could have got him so wrong for two years and now trying to adjust to the idea of raising our baby on my own.

Just wait OP, your little one will probably be a step-sibling to a making up baby.

Concentrate on you and your baby. Get support from your family and close friends.

'crazy ex wife' is the oldest trick in the book. She isn't so crazy and abusive she's 'won' and forced him back. Please don't fall for that. She just wasn't as crazy as he made out. And anyone would be a little crazy living with a selfish bloke like that for years. He changed when you fell pregnant because the baby was your new main focus, and he probably has a misogynistic ideal that is similar to the madonna whore complex. It turned out that you being younger and more beautiful than his wife lost its appeal once he saw you as a mother, and he has no guilt because he doesn't see your pregnancy as a child of his yet, because he's an egotistical prick. Be wary once your baby is born. Don't let him poison you with false promises and apologies. What's done is done.

This happened to me, minus the going back to ex part. Met my husband completely love bombed in the beginning, his ex/mother of his DC was crazy, treated him and the DC badly etc. We had a good 2 years together until I got pregnant. To start it was everything he wanted and then a month before I was due it was like a switch had gone on. He claimed he was struggling mentally and couldn't cope with the responsibility and felt like running away. He stayed with me although was completely absent within a week of our DS being born staying at friends and in hotels. Our DS was 6 months old before I finally realised it wasn't going to change and I left. Funnily enough he is now a lot more cooperative with his ex and she is no longer the enemy.

Me and my DS have moved into our own place which I have brought, I work part time and my mum is my childcare. DS and I have an unbreakable bond he's now 18months old and is thriving (I am biased of course) I am the one he turns to for everything.

OP you will be absolutely fine on your own and this will make you stronger and the relationship you have with your DC will be much more rewarding. Don't fall for your ex's attempts at a reconciliation as this will happen when he realises the grass isn't always greener.

Hope a similar story gives you sight that you are more then capable of being amazing alone :)

She sounds dumb stupid
He sounds vile
You will get a lovely baby
And then you will meet a good kind decent man
They can drown in their own dysfunction

DNA and Maintenaince this prick to the wall

So shit gets real and he bolts; straight out of the fuckboy handbook that one.

Make sure when the weasel comes creeping back you boot his arse straight back to Betty-batshit.

Don't entertain another word...he's shown you who he is.

@FirstTimeMum234 I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Sometimes, there's no explanation as to why people do these sorts of things. But I'm a big believer in Karma, and I bet your ex gets served sooner or later. If they were going through a divorce before you met him, that already tells us they had a lot of problems in their relationship, that they couldn't work through. What are the chances that those old issues won't resurface again? I read your last thread and his ex sounds like she has a whole range of issues, including jealousy, possessiveness, and just being an incredibly malicious, toxic person in general. I highly doubt they will genuinely happy in their relationship this time around. If I were you, I would act like I was on top of the world. You already know she's watching you. She watched your story and then blocked you, hoping you won't notice. I bet she does it again, she won't be able to help herself. Act like you haven't lost anything, and you hardly even notice he's gone ( even if you feel the complete opposite). I think your ex will already realise he's made a huuuge mistake. Radiate nothing but happiness and positivity, it's the one thing that negative people just can't stand. I know it may not seem like it, but it may be a blessing in disguise that he wants not to do with your baby. Imagine if you had to send your baby to him and his wife's house for visitation? Do you really think he would be a good father? These are not the sort of people your baby will benefit from having in their life. As a PP said, you will meet someone lovely, who will be just as shocked and angry as us that you were treated this way by your ex. And you will be loved unconditionally. Your baby will be too.

My moneys on the bet they split up again and he tries to come crawling back. If he does, you mustn't let him weasel his way back in.

Stay strong OP, you are going to be a fantastic mother. ♥

Never trust a man who slags of his ex.

What did he do when he was worried his child was being abused by his ex wife? Contact ss, try to get custody or nothing? I suspect nothing either because he was making things up or couldn’t be bothered.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Deep down I am praying he will at least want to meet his son and show some glimmer of the man I fell in love with, but as time is going on I am losing sight of him more and more.

I let him know that we are having a little boy and his response was 'aww thanks for letting me know, speak soon'. It is just disgusting. He has said he will pay maintenance, but I think that will be the extent of his involvement.

@WreckTangle95 Thank you for your lovely words xx

I know I can do this on my own and I have so much support already from family and friends, it is just heartbreaking that my poor innocent baby has a father who is this callous.

@Newmumma516789 Thank you, your story does give me hope. You sound like a fantastic mummy to your little one xx

Honestly if it were me I wouldn't message him now until the baby is born and ignore any messages he sends to you until then.
Don't give him the satisfaction that he hurt you and your struggling else he'll think he can have you back with a click of his fingers - probably like the ex.

Really appreciate all of the replies. Reading them really makes me realise what a b***d he is!
Today is a new day but I am still feeling really down - you have all sussed him from one thread and I got him so wrong for 2 years!

As a PP has said, I wouldn’t put it past him to just not contact me, what would anyone advise about trying to get him to pay towards baby essentials? Cot, pram etc? I have bought things on my own so far but he should own up to his responsibilities and help.

Ohhh no, my heart truly aches for you and although I don't have much advice I just want to say that I really hope that your okay, I'm quite an insecure person and one of my biggest fears is my partner just upping and leaving one day or falling out of love with me, what an evil thing for someone to do especially when your carrying his child, stay strong and hold your head high ❤️

He left his wife for a younger gf who didnt have commitments and could do whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted and have sex where ever when ever. Gf pregnant getting bigger bodies not as nice priorities change. Wife however isnt pregnant and her kids are older and can do things and arent in nappies. Happened to a family member of husbands. Keep baby and move on x

@healthyandhappy :( he didn’t leave her for me though, they had been separated for a year x