I'm pregnant, and my ex has ran back to his ex wife

[FirstTimeMum234]

I've posted on here a few times, but I really need to hear the advice of others as I am pregnant and trying so hard to stay positive.

I was with my ex for 2 years and we were very happy. He had been separated for a year when I met him and was starting to go through a divorce which completed last summer. I stuck by him through the divorce, because I truly believed he was the love of my life and that we would be together forever.

He has two children to his ex wife, one who is older so I never really saw, and a younger daughter who adored me. I met her a year into our relationship and we honestly had an amazing relationship. His ex was clearly always very bitter about our relationship, and the fact she was going through a divorce. She openly said she would do anything in her power to split us up and then 'ruin him'. It did put a strain on our relationship and I did find myself getting more anxious about her as time went on. He would constantly tell me how poisonous she was, how evil she was, that he thought she was mentally abusing their daughter, that she would stop at nothing to destroy his life etc.

Anyway, I am now 5 months pregnant, and he has left me just over 3 weeks ago. Initially, I thought it was because of how hard she was making it for him as she told his daughter I am pregnant and it caused mass chaos.. she said he won't see her again etc, basically a lot of mind games occurred and a lot of stress was caused in the last month of our relationship. But no, he's since said it is nothing to do with her, suddenly doesn't have a bad word to say about his ex wife anymore and has said he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, or our baby, and it is like something has completely switched in his mind. He said that the last 3 months of being with me were worse than being married, that he has completely lost his way, that he doesn't want to be a father again. When I asked if he is going back to his ex, the only answer I got was 'I don't know' and 'I know you'd think I was mad'. I have saved messages on my phone from the last 3 months, some even from days before he left me saying we have the rest of our lives together, I am his soulmate, no one would ever love him like I do, I'm his rock and best friend..basically promising me the world.

After how he has dismissed me being pregnant, I know now he is just the lowest of the low and I deserve better than that, but I am so so confused as to why he would go back to her. I cannot express enough how much she was out to cause him hell, and all of his family have openly said they would never welcome her back in the family as she had done a lot over the years e.g. square up to his mum!!! and cause a lot of arguments.

Am I going insane or am I missing something here?! I don't know how I could have got him so wrong, but surely it would never work between them if they got back together?? I noticed last night she viewed my story on Instagram (obviously she doesn't follow me!), but has since blocked me. Pleeeeease anyone give me their thoughts and advice!

Oh, OP, why did you text him the news of the sex? He has said he isn't interested. Do not contact him! Do you know what will make him regret more? You not contacting him. I would have told his mum if anyone, not him. It would have been a sobering realisation to find out his relatives knew things about his child before him. Please do the same after the birth. Do not update him on any name choices or when you are in labour or even the birth. Do not let him have the thrill of meeting the new baby just so you can glimpse the old him. Why would you wand to tempt him into wanting contact? Do you really want your son going to his marital home without you one day? That is the risk you are making by continuing to hope he becomes involved.

I would leave it a few weeks and keep receipts if you do buy anything then send a text saying he owes you £X for the babies things. Or give him the cataloge number of the cot and pram you want and say you buy these and I'll buy the rest and have them delivered to your address so you don't need to see him.

Either way, I wouldn't message him for at least 4 weeks.

I think you need to stop contacting him. Use the CMS service to get maintenance. Sadly you're not going to make him want to be involved, and you have to ask what advantage it would bring your baby and you to have this man in your life at all.

he has made it clear what he wants. It's shit, but that's where you are. You need to plan to bring the baby up alone, and leave this man to get on with his life.

A man that would leave someone while pregnant is a cunt. He's shown his true colours. Leave him to his life and be pleased that you don't have him in your son's life.

I know, and I haven't contacted him since. I want to so badly, but I know there is no point in it. I am really, really struggling and feel as though I have no one to talk to. I know my emotions are heightened because of isolation and being pregnant, but I can't switch off at all. I feel like I relay the same questions in my mind over and over again all day.. will he get in touch again? Will I be able to do this on my own/Will I be a good enough Mum? Would he really go back to her? Will he regret what he has done and meet his son?

I'm making myself ill :(

You are better off without him & he is the one losing out. You are on a beautiful journey. Look forward to meeting your baby & the happy life you will have together.

OP please let him go. He chose his wife. He's not interested. Don't become the "crazy ex" yourself.

Post for support from single mums not relationship analysis. You don't need anymore of that. You already know where it went wrong. Dwelling on getting involved with him when he still had feelings for her and wasn't divorced wont help you now.

Focus on yourself and your baby. You will be fine!

@FirstTimeMum234

Seconding what @Friendsofmine says.

You sound great, OP. It’s about you and your baby now. You’re about to embark on a great adventure. It’ll be challenging at times - particularly in the early days - and if you have family who can help, don’t hesitate to reach out to them. But you’ve got this. Onwards and upwards!

Your story mirrors mine apart from I aren’t pregnant, I have had the rug well and truly pulled from under my feet we had our first tiny rock in the road with lockdown and he went back to his crazy ex wife prior to that we had a very positive relationship. The night before he went back to his ex he was telling me how he loved me, how amazing I was, how perfect our relationship was and how he wanted us to sort things out. He has been in touch since telling me the ex has been nice but wants to stay in touch with me, he said he couldn’t bare me not been in his life I have told him this isn’t something I can emotionally do and wished him well.
I hope you are ok @FirstTimeMum234 I really do feel for you keep strong and keep going for that amazing little bundle of joy x

You will be an amazing mother to that little baby 💗. They won’t last...and when he comes running back please don’t let him in!! You will find a decant man one day and your LO can witness and grow up around a loving, happy relationship. He sounds spineless and a coward, doesn’t feel like it now but it’s a good thing he’s gone, imagine raising th child and then walks out. Let them be, I give it 6 months before he’s back knocking. Good luck!!! Not that you need it you will be great xxx

How are you op?

I hope you are OK in this position .I really dont doubt he meant every word at the time, because you were a lovely younger woman and he enjoyed being seen with you,having all your attention and a hot sex life! However reality bites ,and he has shown his true colours .He has gone back to his wife, because he is a coward and doesnt want a baby to look after as he is a great big one himself!

What a horrible coward he is. I’m sure he is not happy at all with his ex wife, he’s just too scared to be on his own. I hope they have a miserable life together!

Hi, thank you for checking in. He got back in touch about 5 weeks ago now and has done a complete 180 and says he regrets everything. He never got back with his ex - I don't know if anything did happen there but he claimed he was just saying anything and everything to force me away due to some form of breakdown. A breakdown I understand, but all of the hurtful things he said, I don't understand. He has told me he is still in love with me and that he regrets everything he did and said and was in a really dark place etc and that he hopes one day I will trust him. He has been in touch every day consistently for 2-3 weeks now and is beginning to help plan and buy things for the baby. It is baby steps but actions speak louder than words now. x

I know you probably don't want to hear this OP but I strongly suspect his ex sent him packing.

She said she'd try and ruin him, looks like she did, and he's now cone back with his tail between his legs

@copycopypaste Hmm.. I don't think I will ever know the full truth

OP what has happened is referred to as an attachment injury and you should look into it if you want to move forward.

When I read the OP I was going to post

' please don't get back with him OP.'

I suppose it is an 'attachment injury' but you are right to have it- you can't trust him.

Some people can change, so it's up to you if you give him another go, but don't make it easy for him.

What symptoms did this probably 'Fakedown' have on the rest of his life? Did he keep everything else he does up ok? Seems strange if you were the only casualty.

If he did have a breakdown, what mental health support is he having to stop it happening again?

He’s lying OP. Please be careful. I know you feel lonely and vulnerable but how he treated you isn’t love and he’s going to do it again. He says he was in a dark place. That’s easy to say. It’s not true though. What therapy has he had? Which GP did he see? You don’t declare a “breakdown” and it’s magically fixed a few weeks later. I’ve got friends who have properly had breakdowns and it takes years of work and the involvement of psychologists/psychiatrists. Ask him for the contact detail of his therapist/psychiatrist and ask him how often he is going to see them? If he has no idea what you’re talking about then the whole thing is a lie. You say you’ll never know the full truth but why are you happy with that? You know he went back to his ex. They then split up again and he’s come back to you. He can’t be trusted. Are you really going to let him be in the baby’s life, get the baby attached to him and in a years time or whenever he’ll be off again. Has he given you any money yet? Ask for the money for the pram and cot and ask him to set up a regular transfer of money into your account. If he truly cares then he will do this. You should build up your life without him. Separate friends. You need to be prepared for when he cuts contact again

Op, please don't fall for it. This hot and cold on and off stuff is so damaging. This is likely how his ex became "the crazy ex".

He's going to work his way back into your life, and then he'll treat you to another crash and burn. And rinse and repeat.

You'll have a happier life if you stay away.

I am going to go against the grain here. If he was the most loving partner and then he suddenly changed. Maybe he did have a breakdown of sorts. He was getting grief from ex wife and threats of not seeing his DC maybe it did not him over the Edge. I am not saying welcome him back but I would take thinks slowly and see how things go. People do have mental heath breakdowns and we all cope differently. I am not excusing his behavior just saying go with the Flow and see where it goes but tread carefully. He needs to know he cannot just run off when the going gets tough. I wish you well. 💐

I feel for you, but for most of us in here who have been through similar this is a pattern of behaviour. His ex wife will always be in his life as they have children. He is most likely lying about what happened after he left you. Read up on trauma bonding and triangulation. He is deliberately, while you are pregnant, keeping you on your toes in order to manipulate you because the threat is if you ask something too difficult of him he will run back to ex wife. If you get involved that is what you will have to live with and it really will make you stressed and unhappy. Tell him to stop messaging you, set up a direct debit and sort out his housing. Chances are he won't he will just continue to future fake you because that's what they do. He's not special he doesn't deserve you

He’s an absolute dick! Don’t let him back in. He dumped you once, he’ll do it again, only this time YOU’LL be the crazy ex who’s not letting him see his child!
Oh and he doesn’t legally have to give you anything towards baby costs until baby is here and you go via CMS.
Tell him where to go and for goodness sake give baby your surname!

He'll do it again.

And I seriously doubt he hadn't been back with his ex, it just hasn't worked ouf.

Don't trust him. He will not change.