Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when someone leaves you... twice!?

47 replies

CJ199012 · 07/04/2020 11:20

My boyfriend of 6 years left on Christmas Eve, saying he was having doubts and didn't THINK he loved me any more. Then (with a little begging from my part, i know i know :( ) he came back and said he'd made a mistake, feelings hadn't changed, and wanted to plan our future together. So... we started talking.

A month later, we were back together … and it lasted three months before he said that he needs more time. This was this morning.

He chose to spend isolation with his parents 6 hours away so there's already a physical distance. I've posted on here before about said bf, and there was a distinct lack of intimacy which was getting me down but I chose to stand by him as he was struggling with his mental health. More fool me... So physical distancing + intimate distancing + emotional distancing has left me a crumbling mess.

Yesterday, he said he wanted to make me his wife, plan a future together and we had a lovely chat. This morning he pulls this stunt, when I asked him what yesterday meant he just said they were 'positive affirmations' and he's just kidding himself... brilliant.

I am embarrassed that I let him back in the door once. Even worse, if I had to respond right now … I'd let him in again. Pathetic.

I'm 30, thought my life would be in a different place by now and starting again is filling me with dread. I've lost my job amidst the 'rona carry on and I just feel devastated and numb.

I just need some inner strength from anybody right now to stop me convincing myself he's worth waiting for and some success stories of girls who have watched love grow and then crumble, followed by a nice success story!

OP posts:
Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 07/04/2020 11:23

Girl you are 30, not 60.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't need to waste it on a man who doesn't know what he wants.

What do you do when a man leaves you twice? You make sure all his shit is cleared out and you keep him gone this time!

CornedBeef451 · 07/04/2020 11:26

Draw a line under it, cut him off and possibly have some kind of hippy cleansing ceremony where you gather up all his belongings and torch them while drinking wine. This would be better with friends but could be done over Zoom if you all drink enough.

Original poster
CJ199012 · 07/04/2020 11:29

Thank you @Crackerscheesescabbyknees @CornedBeef451 - I'm doing a lot of self loathing about wasting my 20s on a guy who sold me the dream and then kicked my feet from beneath me.

Lots of wine will be consumed... possibly at lunch at this rate!!! x

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 07/04/2020 11:30

My ex did similar. Wanted to leave, then backtracked - all a big mistake, didn't know what he wanted, blah blah. Four months later and he was off, wanted different things, he'd grown away from me, etc etc.

This was eight years ago. I'm much (much) older than you and happy to be single, but just wanted to reassure you that there IS life on the other side, and you WILL be happy again.

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2020 11:31

Tell him to shove his 'positive affirmations' up his arse! What a fucking cock he is. He's messing you about big time. That isn't how you treat someone you love. Would you treat him like that?

You have him a second chance, he fucked it up. If you give him a third chance you'll set the pattern of your relationship for good. Please put yourself first, don't be a fool for this man. You deserve so much more.

FlowerArranger · 07/04/2020 11:33

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees.... I'm over 60 Grin and wouldn't put up with this shit!!

@CJ199012..... This is your chance to forge the best life you can for yourself. Grab this opportunity with both hands, and you WILL thrive Flowers

Start here - read this book:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

It will be a revelation and give you some useful tools to deal with any future mindfucker who may enter your life. This one will also be a valuable resource:

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

You can do this.

cees · 07/04/2020 11:35

Let him go and focus on you. He doesn't want you for whatever reason, don't beg him to be with you, how will you ever feel secure in a relationship with him picking and choosing whether he wants you or not and worse you let him do it.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/04/2020 11:39

You don't give him chance to do it for a 3rd time.

My ex husband cheated on me 13 years ago when I was expecting our second child. A minor indiscretion, although extremely hurtful but I couldn't imagine life without him and we moved on. It took him another 10 years but he then had a full blown affair. I found out and he was gone that day. That was over 2 years ago and although a part of me will always love him, he will not EVER get the chance to do that to me again because I am worth so much more.

I know it's a slightly different situation to you but if someone tells you or shows you they don't love you the way you deserve to be loved, it's time to say goodbye.

CornedBeef451 · 07/04/2020 11:39

It's not a waste! You've learned a lot, particularly that he's a wanker.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else and this time you will know what not to look for.

It might be worth having a think about why this happened as it's easy to follow the same patterns again. I certainly have done in the past.

CornedBeef451 · 07/04/2020 11:40

I have found righteous rage is important in recovery. Find it within yourself, he is the problem, not you!

DianaT1969 · 07/04/2020 11:43

Is his timing related to money at all? Did he need a place to stay/money when he got back with you and now that you've lost your job he is off again? If not related to money, it doesn't matter anyway. Cut contact and look forward to some great years ahead. 30 is a perfect age for a fresh start.

Flowersforpowers · 07/04/2020 11:44

You draw an absolute line under it and do not allow him back in your life.

In some ways this is an awful time for this to happen. In other ways it's an opportunity. Have a look at all the vast positive new content on facebook and youtube - do some mindfulness, yoga, painting, exercise - whatever appeals to you. Read some books you've always meant to. You can be your own success story.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2020 11:49

He's an arse ! You're only 30 ..I wasn't married when I was 30 ! Don't loath yourself - it happened , not everything is destined to last , learn from it and get rid of this dick !

HollowTalk · 07/04/2020 11:51

It doesn't matter whether she's 30 or 60, she shouldn't put up with this crap.

OP, have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy? It's where you feel you've invested so much time and effort (and often cash, too) in someone that you should really stick it out as otherwise all of that has been wasted.

Make the most of this time apart to forget this waste of space. And don't go begging - it's not good for your soul and your self-respect.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 07/04/2020 11:52

@FlowerArranger ooh I meant no offense by it, just stating that the OP could be twice as far along in her life as she currently is so this starting position is a good one.

I know many a 60+ lady with no bullshit attitudes who are living their best life :D

GreenTulips · 07/04/2020 11:55

I’m one of three friends who spent their 20’s with losers

They all got kicked to the curb we met new partners and all have married and have children

Kids are now 12-19 bracket and all still with husbands partners own homes etc

Get rid!

magicstar1 · 07/04/2020 11:56

Let him go. I was with my ex for four years, our the blue one day gone said he didn’t think he wanted to be with me anymore. We split up but after a few weeks he was back. I gave him a chance but he did the same a few months later. I said I was done and we split for good.
I ran into him three years later when he was shopping for his wedding! Funny thing...I was bridesmaid dress shopping for my wedding.

Let him go and you’ll be better off.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/04/2020 12:01

Oh OP, block on everything, you'll get a boost from not feeling powerless in the situation anymore.

You'll be sad for a while but at least you wouldn't be being pissed around with and treated as if you aren't worthy, which is just prolonging/adding to the agony.

Men like this dump and then pick people up- that's what they do. Don't let him- block now.

SybilWrites · 07/04/2020 12:04

let him go. He'll do it again, and you are worth more.

I took someone back 3 times. That was madness. He still left in the end (although he has popped back into my life several times since though Hmm) . I was left increasingly damaged by it. Each time my anxiety levels and stress went up and it was impossible to feel safe. My self worth went down - I felt crap about myself. I am worth more than that.

I know someone who was taken back by his girlfriend 15 times over a 9 year period. He left. He told me that he knew she would never leave him. He has licence to keep doing it. He used to say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I used to think he was talking about himself. But he was talking about her.

You will get over this OP, but taking him back - it will just prolong the agony.

SuperbMonkey · 07/04/2020 12:09

@CJ199012, I’m starting again at 60 after being dumped by my husband (18 years), partner (26 years), 7 months ago. I didn’t know about the affair with ex-girlfriend from 27 years ago until 2 months later. Once I knew about the affair I went no contact and started divorce proceedings. People like this never change their spots. The red flags are being waved wildly at you by the universe. This man is a headworker, and he’s playing with you because he knows he can. Don’t be me! Please! Flowers

NeedToKnow101 · 07/04/2020 12:13

"It's not a waste! You've learned a lot, particularly that he's a wanker. "
😂😂😂

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2020 12:13

I think he’s out op, but he’s scared to do it, likely for the same reasons as you, what if I don’t meet someone else kind of thing,

I think you also knew it wasn’t working any more, you’re just scared of the change too.

SuperbMonkey · 07/04/2020 12:14

By the way I’m a 60 year old, fitter than I’ve ever been, working hard, dressing well, active, vibrant with a fantastic social life with my friends. I’ve got that back. Until 7 months ago I’d been worn down by abusive, controlling behaviour from my headworker. He did all he could to humiliate and diminish me in the 4 months leading up to his departure. I was destroyed by his cruelty. Not any more. His loss, my gain. It’s not age (although being younger makes rebuilding easier), it’s attitude. I have a propensity for happiness, and he can never have that. You have a propensity for happiness OP, your ex-partner doesn’t. Live your life and forget about him. He’s a loser.

cooldarkroom · 07/04/2020 12:15

Draw a line under it, cut him off and possibly have some kind of hippy cleansing ceremony where you gather up all his belongings and torch them while drinking wine. This would be better with friends but could be done over Zoom if you all drink enough
:o)
I lived this, except I begged him to stay, we slept in separate rooms, he carried on blissful living his "new free life", I stayed home miserable praying for a reprieve.. after far too long, I got a job abroad & left for a few months, still paying my half of the rent. he had an affair with my friend, the girl I had lent my car to. which she gave back with no MOT I finally left for good, & lived the best years of my life shortly after ....
Don't let him hurt you anymore

LovesNettles · 07/04/2020 12:25

He sounds like he thinks he's got you right where he needs you - at the end of a leash, eager and waiting for any crumb he may toss your way. Maybe he'll come strutting back, maybe he won't, he's got all the time in the world to play his head games because you are letting him do so.

What to do when someone leaves you - twice? Box up his junk to get it out of your sight and lock the bleepin' door. If you let this POS back into your life, you will allow him to keep you dangling for another decade, or two, until he finds someone else.

Find your self-respect girl! Find your anger. And say "enough".