What to do when someone leaves you... twice!?

[CJ199012]

My boyfriend of 6 years left on Christmas Eve, saying he was having doubts and didn't THINK he loved me any more. Then (with a little begging from my part, i know i know :( ) he came back and said he'd made a mistake, feelings hadn't changed, and wanted to plan our future together. So... we started talking.

A month later, we were back together … and it lasted three months before he said that he needs more time. This was this morning.

He chose to spend isolation with his parents 6 hours away so there's already a physical distance. I've posted on here before about said bf, and there was a distinct lack of intimacy which was getting me down but I chose to stand by him as he was struggling with his mental health. More fool me... So physical distancing + intimate distancing + emotional distancing has left me a crumbling mess.

Yesterday, he said he wanted to make me his wife, plan a future together and we had a lovely chat. This morning he pulls this stunt, when I asked him what yesterday meant he just said they were 'positive affirmations' and he's just kidding himself... brilliant.

I am embarrassed that I let him back in the door once. Even worse, if I had to respond right now … I'd let him in again. Pathetic.

I'm 30, thought my life would be in a different place by now and starting again is filling me with dread. I've lost my job amidst the 'rona carry on and I just feel devastated and numb.

I just need some inner strength from anybody right now to stop me convincing myself he's worth waiting for and some success stories of girls who have watched love grow and then crumble, followed by a nice success story!

You don't give him a third opportunity.

@SuperbMonkey i am so, so sorry to hear what has happened to you. Your last statement about your propensity for happiness and positivity is EVERYTHING - what an inspiration you are, thank you, that has really helped me.

Everybody else, thank you for your support. I know times are strained for everybody in their own way right now and this, in the great scheme of things is so minor to what some people are dealing with.

It's the fear of getting it wrong for so long, the feeling i've left a lie and been paid lip service by someone i thought i'd grow old with. Shamefully he took up a lot of my life and i've let friendships slide to build on what he tried to thrown away at christmas. @HollowTalk the sunken cost falacy - YES! I was thinking this just the other day, almost feeling obliged to give it the time and mental space because of the years we've invested. No more though, I'm done which this pathetic piece of sh1t.

The tiny bits of validation I get when he spends a few hours or a couple of days making me feel appreciated aren't enough any more amidst all the pain of knowing deep down he's planning his escape. I can't love enough for the both of us any more... and to anyone else in this situation, i do not advise trying!!!

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees.... no offence, taken , I was just pulling your leg - hence the ...

@SuperbMonkey.... You and me both . Currently well on my way to running a half marathon, and I've got and I never knew I had

ABS!!! not and.... bloody autocorrect!!

It's the fear of getting it wrong for so long, the feeling i've left a lie and been paid lip service by someone i thought i'd grow old with

Don't beat yourself up about it. So many of us have been there, done that. Thank your lucky stars you still have a lot of time to grow to be YOURSELF before you're even remotely old

Take back control. Why should he be the one making all the decisions about what he wants or doesn't want? Try and find it in yourself to tell him you aren't going to stand for it any more, and this time it's over. Permanently.

I was going to suggest you look into the sunk costs fallacy, but I see that someone beat me to it.

@CJ199012, you are very, very welcome. You can do this.

@FlowerArranger, a fellow runner, hooray. Running is great for getting out of your head, and it’s allowed 😊

@CJ199012

He's playing with you. Positive fucking affirmations! What a prick.

Loads of us look back on our 20s, the guy we were with and think "what the fuck?". Who cares. It's not a waste, don't think of it like that. It's life experience, that's all.

You're in your 30s...my good god, dust yourself off and get back out there!

Let him back a third time and you may as well have "mug" tattooed on your forehead. He will hurt you again and again x

OP, please take control of this, tell him: That the relationship has run it's course. You are definitively ending it
Any of his things need removing as soon as logically possible. bag up & leave where you can't see it. tell your friends, make it real. block him from social media, you do not need to see his comments, how he is moving on, you do not need to relieve messages or remove, or asking how you are. Cut him off
Own this decision, it will be much better for your self esteem

"receive messages of remorse ..."

Make a resolution that you will never speak to him again... or at least be in a relationship. Tidy up the loose ends like property etc then move on from you. You are wasting your life quite literally.

Get rid and don’t look back he’s a tosser.

Thank you ladies.

He's making me feel like he's sacrificed so much to just 'go along with things' for the last 3 months and that i've given up nothing - i've waited, supported, denied myself the intimacy i crave and for what - him to just show up for 3 months to 'test it out' and run away again. He's a child - to think he's 30 blood 4!!!!!!

Tell to Fuck off from me

Round House kick ! him to live forever with his parents ( Kick ass, Kill Bill style)

Block
Block
Block

Use this " virus" time to start a brilliant new life for yourself

Good luck

What to do when someone leaves you... twice!?
You leave him gone.
He was shit in bed anyway.

Thanks ladies - I've managed 24 hours and I feel a huge weight off my shoulders already. His family will no doubt begin their gossiping soon enough (his MUM! ugh), and that does get to me but I guess you have to let people have their opinions, right or wrong!

Thanks for the solidarity and giving me the strength to follow through with this.

One of my standard recommendations, especially in times where it's hard to meet up with friends, is to read chumplady.com. It's primarily about being cheated on but the concept of getting over someone who treats you like a chump and moving on to a better life is just what you need.

well if he is feeling wronged, he may send in the flying monkeys.
ie his family & friends? if so, be ready with a one liner, such as.
"He has dumped me twice, its over "I wish him well" or
"I will not be discussing this further, have a good life"

It gives me immense pleasure knowing he'll meet someone else one day, probably tell her how awful I was and she'll be looking at him thinking she's won the lottery. Couple of idiots. It's taken me a long time to be ok with him meeting someone else. Oh wait, 2 days. Ha!

Use that anger OP! You’ll probably be up and down mood wise for a while but channel it into strength.

He doesn’t get to call all the shots. You do.

Block the PRICK.. celebrate your new beginning and your lucky escape