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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has has 2nd Affair

30 replies

Thisisshit4567 · 07/04/2020 11:06

Hi all, namechanger in case I know anyone on here.

I've been with DH for 12 years, married for 8, 2 DC age 8 and 11. DH had an affair around 7 years ago, I forgave it and since then things have been pretty great, we get along great, never argue and generally had a lovely time together.
For whatever reason, the last few weeks I've had a nagging doubt and I had the opportunity to go through his phone last night, well what do you know, a string of messages and pictures between him and a girl who is a mutual 'friend'. I told him last time it was his one and only chance and if he did it again he'd be out.
I confronted him this morning and after some denial he admitted it had been going on for a year and he has slept with her. I think he might have downplayed it a bit but I gave nothing away and it was more than I knew in the first place.

He told the DC pretty much immediately (I would have waited but what's done is done) and they're naturally devestated and we're totally blindsided because like I say we get along great.

I'm also absolutely devestated, I feel like my whole future has just been ripped away from me and honestly I want to forgive him even though I know it'll just happen again and I can't trust him. I guess I want some hand holding and someone to tell me it'll all be ok in the end.

Thanks

OP posts:
MuchTooTired · 07/04/2020 11:09

I’m so sorry. Didn’t want to read and run, but here’s a handhold an unmumsnetty hug in the meantime until someone who can help comes along.

One thing I can tell you though, is it WILL be ok in the end, and your life will be so much better without him.

RandomMess · 07/04/2020 11:12

Just Thanks

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 07/04/2020 11:13

I would leave.

It's already happened twice that you know of. These are the sustained affairs that he has admitted to.

From what I know of men that cheat this way is that there's usually a trail of other, smaller discretions along the way.

This man does not respect you and does not respect the relationship.

Your children have been informed and they will see that disrespect now and if you remain with him they will witness you embracing that disrespect. Do you want them to believe that this is what a relationship is?

Honeyroar · 07/04/2020 11:14

You were a saint to forgive him the first time. He’s throwing it back in your face. He’s never going to be honest or faithful/ there’s no point in being married to such a shitty man. Of course you’re shocked and feeling like your future has been ruined, but it hasn’t. Your future with a lousy, cheating husband has been ruined, but, in time, you’re going to get back on your feet and have a good future of your own. This is the worst part, the start, but every day will be a step towards it, even if it takes a while to get there. Talk to friends and family, don’t shield him. Have people to lean on.

ednatheevilwitch · 07/04/2020 11:15

So has he left OP? He sounds like a selfish shit. To tell the children straight away before you two have made a plan is unnecessary and cruel. Children cannot process things in the same way as adults and they will now be confused and worried. I hope you kick him out. You will be fine but I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. Be prepared for minimising, projection and gaslighting so that he feels less guilty about his shitty behaviour.

copycopypaste · 07/04/2020 11:16

I know you want to go back, but actually your relationship has been based on lies. He obviously has such little respect for you that he's prepared to see you devastated a first time, and do it again. He's not really the man you thought he was. Remain dignified but put boundaries in place and take control.

Do not leave, he's to leave and live by his actions. Use this time to speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand financially. You can be sure he's done his homework already and will be ahead if you on this.

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 11:19

If he rushed to tell the dc my guess is he doesn’t even want forgiveness. He wants out.

I know it’s shit now but you would be so cruel to yourself to even consider staying anyway! You must know you deserve so much better than that!

Original poster
Thisisshit4567 · 07/04/2020 11:23

He's gone, we're quite lucky that we have an empty furnished rental so he had no excuse not to leave straight away.

It's so hard to reconcile his horrible disrespectful behaviour with the lovely man I thought he was. I now realise it was a mistake to forgive him last time but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

The kids are massively confused, so it's just damage limitation now. He told them he'd made a mistake gahhhhhh! So they don't get why I wouldn't just forgive him, after all it's just a mistake. Bloody idiot.

I appreciate your support everyone. It's been a rough rough morning

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisshit4567 · 07/04/2020 11:24

@OhCaptain, yes you might be right. Did seem odd to have to tell them as they woke up this morning

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 07/04/2020 11:24

Your husband has had a 2nd affair that you know of... The fact that he was able to hide it for an entire year and you didn't suspect anything was amiss until recently suggests that he has become adept at covering his tracks. Which in turn suggests a habitual cheater.

It is up to you whether you want to stay with him, but just be aware that he won't suddenly become faithful. He'll just get even better at hiding his affairs. Or he'll disrespect you for staying and, after a few more affairs, won't even bother to hide it anymore.

Read Chumplady. And look after yourself and your best long-term interests. Be very selfish in deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Pickles89 · 07/04/2020 11:28

I am sorry OP. What a total dicksplash. Please please don't take him back. It wasn't a one-time deeply regretted drunk thing (not that that's ok either!) but a prolonged emotional and physical affair. You are worth so much more.

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 11:29

It just seems very strange that he would do that!

It’s pretty much hammering the nail into the coffin isn’t it?

Jackeroosmum · 07/04/2020 11:30

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am in a very similar position. My husband first cheated 7 years ago and I found out in October that he cheated again 2 years ago. He moved out in February (unfortunately after I found out about the last affair my dad had a heart attack and I had to go and live with him and then he came to live with us until January so we couldn't deal with it properly until my dad was strong enough to cope). Anyway no advice really as it's really shit and it really hurts especially as we have forgiven them before. I just wanted to say I'm here for you if you need to chat or vent or cry. Xx

newuser000 · 07/04/2020 11:37

I'm so sorry OP. In short term, can you confide in close friends and family? they love you and will want to help. Be kind to yourself, this is his behaviour, not yours. You are a wonderful mum and wife but he did not respect that. Tell the kids the basic truths, don't lie but try and keep it simple, make sure they know they are loved and that the love you have for them never changes.

TwentyViginti · 07/04/2020 11:48

A spelling error is 'a mistake', him shoving his dick up other women is a deliberate act. Don't let him make you the baddie to your DC.

Original poster
Thisisshit4567 · 07/04/2020 11:51

@jackeroosmum sorry to hear you've been through the same thing. It really is shit and hurts like fuck.

Now that everyone has mentioned it, I really have no idea how many times he's done this. I've just caught him twice and to be honest if I'd not snooped I'd never have caught him this time.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 07/04/2020 11:53

Guarantee there will be more than the ones you know about.

I’m so sorry for you and your children, but you’re all better off without a man who thinks so little of you. It will all be OK in the end. Flowers

pointythings · 07/04/2020 14:09

You shouldn't let him get away with the 'mistake' nonsense to the kids. They are old enough to understand that their dad has a girlfriend and that he has chosen to be with her. His excuse will make you seem like the bad guy for not forgiving him.

And he has definitely done this more than twice. Grieve for what you thought you had, accept that he is a cheating scumbag, get your ducks in a row for the divorce.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 07/04/2020 14:16

Wow, that was fast - from you finding out, telling the children and his dashing out.

Not sure though whether him leaving so fast was because he didn't want to stay with the family as in terms of, 'fight to flight,' he definitely comes across as, 'flight,' which also seems to fit in with you both never fight.

But it's not about what he wants - what do you want?

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 07/04/2020 14:17

His excuse will make you seem like the bad guy for not forgiving him.

As he has told them anyway, albeit in a vague way that is designed to make them feel sorry for him and angry at you, don't leave your children confused. Tell them the truth.

WineGummyBear · 07/04/2020 14:23

I'm so sorry OP that's rubbish.

Sneaky of him to try and control the narrative with 'mistake'. We forgive our children their mistakes and help them to learn from them.

The correct term here is betrayal of trust which is very different.

Someone must know- are there any good books or articles on how to explain the distinction to a child?

What a shit.

So sorry OP.Flowers

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 14:30

My first thought is that he told the kids in order to put the ball in your park. They will now be looking to touch for your side of things because 'daddy was already honest and is sorry'.

I would explain to the kids (when he isnt there) that it isnt that simple. That daddy betrayed you, for a year. And that isn't accidental, it was planned. And that it is the second time he did it. Make sure they know that forgiving something like that, is something you are under no obligation to do. Don't let him make you the baddy.

And yes,I would leave him. He is a cheat, a liar, selfish and it seems, manipulative.

Starlight1243 · 07/04/2020 14:34

So sorry op I agree theres likely been others but hes got better at hiding it.

copycopypaste · 07/04/2020 14:35

When your dc ask questions be honest with them, don't protect him. This can be done in an age appropriate way.

Also, reach out to family and friends and don't hold back on why either. You need their help and support

Original poster
Thisisshit4567 · 07/04/2020 14:47

Yes I've pretty much accepted that it's over and that there's not another option. The whole marriage is not what I thought it was at all.
I've told a couple of people in real life and they are stunned, which is to be expected, I didn't even know what was going on behind my own closed doors.
I will need to speak to the DCs properly and correct the narrative there, I definitely don't want them thinking this is something I can just fix for them. If anyone has had a similar conversation, tips are appreciated.
I'm really so grateful for your comments and kindness, just need to stay strong and get my legal advice sorted.

OP posts: