DH has has 2nd Affair

[Thisisshit4567]

Hi all, namechanger in case I know anyone on here.

I've been with DH for 12 years, married for 8, 2 DC age 8 and 11. DH had an affair around 7 years ago, I forgave it and since then things have been pretty great, we get along great, never argue and generally had a lovely time together.
For whatever reason, the last few weeks I've had a nagging doubt and I had the opportunity to go through his phone last night, well what do you know, a string of messages and pictures between him and a girl who is a mutual 'friend'. I told him last time it was his one and only chance and if he did it again he'd be out.
I confronted him this morning and after some denial he admitted it had been going on for a year and he has slept with her. I think he might have downplayed it a bit but I gave nothing away and it was more than I knew in the first place.

He told the DC pretty much immediately (I would have waited but what's done is done) and they're naturally devestated and we're totally blindsided because like I say we get along great.

I'm also absolutely devestated, I feel like my whole future has just been ripped away from me and honestly I want to forgive him even though I know it'll just happen again and I can't trust him. I guess I want some hand holding and someone to tell me it'll all be ok in the end.

Thanks

I'd try telling the kids that he did something that was purposefully wrong and that it hurt your feelings etc so that's why.

A mistake sounds like it was exactly that, a mistake, but it wasn't. It was a planned and pre meditated betrayal of trust.

Might make it easier for them to understand why you aren't forgiving him.

I think it’s alright to tell your children that you and Daddy do not agree about whether it was a ‘mistake’. In your opinion a mistake is when you do something, without thought, once, whereas doing something over and over again is not a mistake. They will have heard this explanation plenty of times at school.
At their age, that short explanation doesn’t even mean they will judge their father harshly. Most children have said, or felt, that something was a mistake when what they know is that they did something ill-judged and regret being caught out.
It’s not incumbent upon you to do his explaining for him but neither do you need to let inaccuracies stand. Children can spot inconsistencies quite easily. They need simple truths now, delivered without emotional backstory.
Good luck op. Things may get worse before they get better but they WILL get better.

Yes Ive had that conversation with my kids. I told them that Daddy had another girlfriend and you aren't allowed to do that when you're married so we are splitting up. We did get back together 6 months later, mostly for practical reasons TBH

It’s not down to you to explain or mitigate his actions to your children. You’ve been betrayed and hurt and they should know that! Men rely on being protected by women and that’s why they get away with this crap. You tell the kids it wasn’t a mistake. You tell the kids that daddy slept in another lady’s bed and that’s against the rules of marriage and so daddy cannot live with you anymore. You don’t take any blame for this. He broke his vows. You also need to get an STI check ASAP because god knows where else he’s been sticking it over the years. What a disgusting man. You can and will do better. Do NOT let him come back. If nothing else he’s putting your health at risk!

I'm sorry, OP.

But he started cheating on you 1 year into your marriage ... this is probably only the 2nd time you've caught him, not the 2nd time.

I would not let the 'mistake' ride with the children either. it's more than that. Way more.