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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We have a child. He's emailing ex. I'm so confused

27 replies

Scarednurse · 07/04/2020 03:29

Please help, I'm new but been lurking a long time.
I dunno if I'm completely over reacting.
I have a 18month old with my boyfriend. Got pregnant early in the relationship we have had our challenges. We are not engaged. He was engaged to his ex but they split just over 3 years ago. He hasn't spoken to her since. Afew days ago I seen that he emailed her. It was him apologising for causing her hurt at the end of the relationship and how he was in a really bad place at this time. He said "he really misses her, will always care for her and that will never go away". He also asked about where shes working (they are both in healthcare) and that he Hope's she safe, etc with everything that's going on. She got married last year which he knows and she lives in another country so hes never going to see her again. I'm worried he regrets them breaking up but then I think maybe hes just reaching out as hes worried with everything that's going on with coronavirus. I'm really not sure what to make of this. Does it seem like he still has feelings for her? Why is he reaching out after all this time and if he had feelings why bother when she lives, and is from, another country and she is married to someone else. I don't understand his intentions or agenda.

OP posts:

Lolailo · 07/04/2020 03:35

Well, the email could be well intentioned and just caring, but what is the part of been in a bad place about?

Original poster

Scarednurse · 07/04/2020 03:40

He's quite a low character in terms of mood and suffered with depression so I assume he means that. I'm worried he regrets their break up because maybe he was depressed at that time. As far as I'm aware the break up was mutual. She cancelled the wedding but it was very much mutual and they were arguing and couldn't agree on who's country to live in. She had moved to his and hated it and if he had wanted to be with her he would have had to move to hers.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 07/04/2020 03:40

He sounds like a decent man who is putting his affairs in order. I'd cut him some slack if hes currently staring death in the face.

Original poster

Scarednurse · 07/04/2020 04:06

But if that's the case why is he saying he really misses her. Surely that's disrespectful to me and our child? He said he will never stop missing her or caring for her. He also said he knows she met someone and hes "a lucky man". Surely a decent man wouldnt disrespect the mother of his child like this?

OP posts:

Dontjumptoconclusions · 07/04/2020 04:47

I'd say to leave it op. But might be something you need to keep your eye on in case it turns into something else.

Times like this, you will get people rethinking their lives. It may feel disrespectful to you for him to say that but that wasn't for your eyes. Also be prepared to know the answer that they didn't work out is because they are in different countries, and it got too hard, not because they stopped loving each other. It's a slippery slope to ask these questions.... Sometimes it's better not to know the answer.

APizzaHut · 07/04/2020 04:59

Personally I think it's horrendous sad he's not thought about you once

Gingerkittykat · 07/04/2020 05:46

It could be him simply reaching out the hand of friendship for someone he cares about, I talk to one of my exes a lot and we are both completely moved on but still care about one another.

I can see why you are upset though, do you know if she replied?

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2020 07:08

Maybe this lockdown has given him time to reflect and he regrets some of his previous actions. As you said she is now married, lives in another country so it is not like she is local and he is trying to start an affair.

You mentioned you are not engaged, does that worry you?

Shouldershrugger · 07/04/2020 09:10

Do you feel secure enough in your own relationship with him?
Personally I think he's just getting his affairs in order, should anything untoward happens. Its just closure imho.

CoffeeIsMyOnlyJoy · 07/04/2020 09:16

I'd not be happy with him saying he misses her, but if it's disrespectful to anyone it's to you rather than your child.

Sometimes people miss exes. It doesn't mean he misses her romantically necessarily, and if she's in another country he may be genuinely worried about her.

DartmoorChef · 07/04/2020 09:18

Why are you reading his private email?

Candyfloss99 · 07/04/2020 09:22

Why did you read his emails? The problem with snooping is that you often get the wrong impression. Though I do agree it's disrespectful to you saying he misses her. Did he mention you or the child in the email?

LolaSmiles · 07/04/2020 09:23

It sounds like the current situation has made him reflect. Given they're both on healthcare it doesn't seem too awful to express concern during a pandemic.

Just because romantic feelings between two people have gone doesn't mean they have to hate each other's guts and have nothing nice to say about each other. If anything I find it very drama-llama to hold the view that anything nice about exes us disrespectful, out of order, and so on.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/04/2020 09:25

Saying you miss an ex is not always being disrespectful of your current partner. When people split, it isn’t as black and white as that person becoming nothing to you. Most of the time, an ex is still something to you- either someone you hate or still like. Many people still care for their ex as a friend. You can miss their companionship and friendship even though you know they were not compatible with you as a partner.

It doesn’t automatically disrespect that person’s current partner. Especially since this was a private one to one conversation. It would be disrespectful if it were a social media post and he were broadcasting to the world how he misses his ex.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/04/2020 09:28

As to why is he reaching out? Because they are both in healthcare and so there is a chance one or both of them may sicken and die in the next few months. He’s putting his affairs in order and making sure he is on good terms with anyone he has hurt in the past.

Soontobe60 · 07/04/2020 09:28

The only disrespectful thing I can see is that you're reading his private emails.
Do you think he's only with you because of his child? Perhaps you should ask him about the email and also his feelings for you.

BrooHaHa · 07/04/2020 09:28

Yeah, I'm wondering how you came across the email tbh.

You're going to have to leave it if you were snooping- can you imagine telling him he's been disrespectful when you've been going through his sent items?

caramelbun · 07/04/2020 10:03

Forgive it this once because he may be worrying about his own mortality and it could be an emotional “getting my affairs in order” email as others said. Normally I think it’s crossing a line to contact an ex and tell them you care about them (I really do care about my exes and even my husband’s but I don’t tell them that). But these are unusual times.

PS Were you snooping OP? Don’t do it! It’ll harm your relationship in the end.

daisypond · 07/04/2020 10:06

I don’t think it’s disrespectful.

Lynda07 · 07/04/2020 10:07

You saw he emailed her.

The email content sounds a bit dodgy, frankly, but do talk to him about it, we don't know him, her or you and it may not be as it seems. She's married and lives abroad now anyway so hardly a threat but you have a right to know how your man feels.

Mumofboysngrls · 07/04/2020 10:11

I have a husband and 4 kids but I admit I recently emailed my ex (who lives abroad) because he suffers with asthma, is a frontline worker and although I do not love him I still care for him a lot.
I don't think it's a big deal

SVRT19674 · 07/04/2020 12:41

I broke up with my ex 20 years ago and I would like to think he is in a good place, he is a nice guy and deserves to be happy. Do I love him want him back? Nope. Just because he is an ex doesnt mean I have to hate his guts, I care for him, but not in a romantic way.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 07/04/2020 12:48

What caused you to read his email? Was there anything leading up to this?

ErickBroch · 07/04/2020 13:49

If he was just wishing her well and healthy and safe due to her job and coronavirus then fine but i'd be really upset if my DP was emailing his ex behind my back saying he missed her. Everyone on here is very 'cool' with everything - i'd be hurt

NoMoreDickheads · 07/04/2020 14:20

In this time of Corona, a lot of people are reaching out to people they once knew. It sounds like at most he's just been remembering someone he once knew and thinking he could have treated them better. I would maybe think he's gone a bit over the line/verged on it, but not massively.

PP is right- how come you've seen his email?

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