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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I reply to STBXH

30 replies

Nottodaymike · 06/04/2020 10:20

This is going to sound really petty - sorry.

We’ve agreed to divorce when this is all over. Luckily our house is big enough to avoid each other and we’ve not spoken for two weeks ( apart from the angry texts he sent me at the beginning) we’ve literally not seen each other’s face the entire time.

I’m ready for this. It’s been coming a long time but I think he is really angry at me for not begging him to sort it out. Normally I’m first to try and sort things if he goes in a sulk as I can’t stand the atmosphere but this time I’m not bothered. I know he is literally fuming with me

My only aim through this is to try and remain amicable and respectful and not drag the kids through it.

This morning the kids bounded up stairs and told me that ‘daddy was taking them for a walk and I had to drop them off at his work later’

Then as he was going out the door he said loud enough so I’d hear - ‘get ready then mummy will bring you to work and we will go out for a walk’

It’s really irritated me because

A) he shouldn't speak through the kids to me
B) he shouldn’t be organising what I’m doing.

I’m calm. I’m not shouting. I’m just done so there in no need for this PA behaviour.

He will probably text me later asking me to bring the kids down and I don’t know how to respond with out it coming out arsey. I want him to know that this behaviour isn’t on and actually there is no reason why he can’t come back and pick the kids up.

I’m not being a push over but I don’t want to inflame the situation. He’s changed over the years and if he doesn’t get his own way he becomes arrogant and sulky. I know I’ve got a battle on my hands with the divorce as he’s already told me what I’ll be getting in the settlement 🙄🙄

OP posts:
LouHotel · 06/04/2020 10:23

''No that doesn't work for me''

Therollockingrogue · 06/04/2020 10:25

I’m not sure.
That kind of thing DOES drag the kids in .
Perhaps just let the kids take the walk and enjoy some time alone, heaven knows it’s a precious commodity right now?
I get your point but it just feels like a big waste of energy to get bothered about this under the circumstances.

Bobbiepin · 06/04/2020 10:31

"I will sort the kids out today but in future please ask me directly if you need me to take them anywhere and I will help if it fits in with my plans. We need to find a way to manage these responsibilities once the divorce is final that works for both of us."

Keep it factual and emotions out of it. He is playing on your emotions so keep it plain and simple.

noyoucannotcomein · 06/04/2020 10:34

Nope, thin end of the wedge.

"Sorry, was this message meant for the nanny?"

Or slightly more maturely: "I'll bring the kids on this occasion, as you have set their expectations and I don't wish to disappoint them. But in future, please do not be so arrogant as to make plans for me and the children without having the decency to discuss them with me first."

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2020 10:39

Text him this.
Going to work and back is allowed .
Driving to you and back with the children seems an unnecessary journey.
I think you should just drive home and go for a walk from here, as per Govenment instructions.

lowlandLucky · 06/04/2020 10:45

Text him and tell him you will bring the kids this once but that 1 He never ever uses the kids to "talk" to you again " He never ever organises your life again.

Original poster
Nottodaymike · 06/04/2020 10:45

Thanks for the messages and yes noyiucannot it is the thin end of the wedge. Something I’m not will to play along with

His brother is the same with his ex wife.

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 06/04/2020 10:56

I disagree with posters saying to allow it this once. He's testing a boundary, and if you show him that he can order you around like this then you can expect him to repeat and escalate behaviour of this type.

Draw the boundary, explain to your kids that daddy did not check with you first. Tell him no. Grey rock style.

Musti · 06/04/2020 11:02

You need to set the scene now. Point blank refuse. Tell him that under no circumstances must he plan your day without consulting you first (unless it's unavoidable). Refuse to do it and he can bloody well come back and then take the kids on a walk.

It'll get worse before it gets better but if you start letting him emotionally blackmail you through the kids, he'll just continue taking the piss. Once he knows that you wont be controlled that way, he'll stop.

Musti · 06/04/2020 11:03

And I speak from experience. I had to be very inflexible at first and it has paid off.

wibblewobblejiggle · 06/04/2020 11:06

I would be truthful.
‘If you wanted me to do something you speak to me. Not the children. That doesn’t work for me today’

Do you have anything in the house to do with the kids? Pancakes, cakes, painting. You can do your own walk with them and then carry on your day.

noyoucannotcomein · 06/04/2020 11:08

Agree with other posters actually. I couldn't let the kids down, but if there is no reason for for him not to come and get them, then he'll need to crack on.

FourDecades · 06/04/2020 11:12

As said previously, that is an unnecessary journey. AFAIK we shouldn't be driving anywhere to then go for a walk.

Ariela · 06/04/2020 11:13

Why, in this lockdown situation, should your kids and you go to his place of work.

I would simply say 'taking the kids to your place of work is not essential, and a risk - we are on lockdown'

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 12:07

'That doesn't work for me, I've been out once already today for my exercise with the dc'

Or

'This travel isn't essential, you have the ability to spend time with the dc outside of work hours'

Or

'This is not my responsibility, please make alternative arrangements'

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 12:15

The if not be advising they visit him at work, it's hardly essential as he can see them at home. It's not like it's dc going between two homes to see parents

mumwon · 06/04/2020 12:15

to dc "Oh dear I think df forgot I am not allowed to drive you to HIS work/office/factory - if the police stopped me they could tell me off/fine me- how about we wait until he comes home" & than text him telling him exactly what you said to dc

Original poster
Nottodaymike · 06/04/2020 13:01

Myownsummer what’s grey rock?

I’ve worked myself up about it to be honest and give myself some anxiety. I’m not taking them. He’s been like a black cloud in the house for two weeks and he thinks he can just click his fingers and have me driving around for him.

There is a few responses I’m thinking of using. If he messages I’ll update

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 06/04/2020 13:54

No, set the boundary. You can be 'nice' about it of course:

'No, that doesn't work for me. If you want me to do something, you need to speak to me directly. Don't start trying to speak through the children like this - it's not ever going to be in their best interests and I trust that, like me, you don't ever want them to feel piggy in the middle.'

Gutterton · 06/04/2020 15:06

Well done you for deciding to move on from this.

Well done you for “knowing” he is treating you badly in this situation and seeking the best advice on how to respond rather than react.

You need to think through a long term strategy and develop a simple rule book on how you engage with him so that you and your DC remain emotionally protected and steady during these long days and especially when he “kicks off” and behaves in this dominant, disrespectful way.

I 100% agree do not even once jump to his tune. That is not good for your kids either.

You need firm clear boundaries and generic statements that you can rinse and repeat. This is so he gets the message simply and you don’t get drawn down gaslighting rabbit hole rows.

So stuff like:

That doesn’t work for me.

Don’t use the DC to communicate to me.

We need to communicate calmly and respectfully for the DC.

We need to agree a plan that works for us all. I suggest x, y, z.

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2020 15:09

Grey rock-you just ignore/don’t react.

Original poster
Nottodaymike · 06/04/2020 15:17

Thanks Gutterton

Well he text from work asking if I was at home with the kids and if I could get them ready.

I just replied with yes. He text back with some irrelevant information that I couldn’t careless about. I didn’t respond.

The kids were sat by the door waiting to go out. He came in and went straight in to the back garden with kids. They are cleaning the paddling poodle out and both stood with their swimming costumes in their hands. It’s freezing outside.

I know he is messing with me, I’m not going to bite.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 06/04/2020 15:22

Can you get out of the house for your daily exercise now that he is home and engaged with the DCs....so that you put in some physical distance and can’t get drawn into his games?

slipperywhensparticus · 06/04/2020 15:24

I never respond to anything passed via the children my ex tried this once "I told ds1" he isnt the parent that is for the parents to discuss "well it's what HE WANTS" and it doesn't work for me 👋

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