Impossible Husband!

[Spain1]

Married 23 years together nearly 30 with 3 DCs. Very difficult Man emotionally abuse, financially abusive & has been physically abusive in the past. Separate bedrooms for the last 10 years. Have tried before to get before to leave. Have applied for a divorce but finding the legal process so slow. How to cope with having to live in the same house & will my children be ok?

Your children will be fine if you are!!
make sure you attend to them emotionally and plan to leave get money behind you etc.
Ask yourself do you want this to be the rest of your life? Good luck in your new chapter!! You are worthy xx

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I fine just a bit worn out. So hard to separate from someone who does not want to separate. He wants to stay for financial reasons. I have become emotionless really because I have been through so much over the years. I used to be frozen with fear but not anymore. All I want is peace. Thankfully I am strong & not broken & have a great relationship with my children. I know I will get there it's just such a slow process.

I don't want this to be the rest of my life but I hope I haven't left it too late I am 48.

Try not to interact with him and concentrate on you and children.
How far to go with the divorce?

Applied in October but because the process has been so slow he thinks he's home & dry. Very hard to keep the momentum up when living in the one house. He has no problem with drifting. He's a nasty piece of work a bully of the highest order. He parents by threatening, manipulating & bullying the children. I'm not sure how it will all work out. Going to give my solicitor a call again tomorrow & see if I can speed things up. Would love if he left but not a hope of that. At least now he is not as threatening because he knows I have the law on my side. I just wish I had more energy to get to where I want to go.

How old are the kids? They sound like they could be at least teens? They are probably worried about you and would love to see you free and enjoying life, my mum and dad separated when I was a young adult and I so wish mum had got free earlier but she had a great life afterwards, your lovely kids will want the best for you I think, also you will be showing them such a great example of Independence and not putting up with abuse, the very very best of luck, take care of yourself. Could you contact women’s aid for some practical advice to get rid of him?

Thank you. It's very hard to get rid of someone who doesn't want to go. I feel he has some sort of personality disorder that he wants to stay the way we are. He is very controlling down to what we eat. Mealtimes are a nightmare always a big blow up. He is a very strange man impossible to have a reasonable conversation with. Today is another day & please God the solicitors is open although I am a bit nervous of proceeding with this while he lockdown.

They are 16, 15 & 9. He's very hard on them too. I just don't want to take them out of their home so much easier for him to go. Hopefully the solicitor will have some positive news today like a court date.

It’s never too late to be free 💐

Keep talking on here. It won't be forever. You are doing the right thing.

Sadly, the only way out is through. You can do this, for you and for your children. This will not be forever, it will end at some point you have just got to hang on in there.

If he becomes physically abusive you call the police and get him removed.

Put your thoughts on here, it is a good thing to reflect back on and also to get support. Visualise your life without him in it, bet that feels good. Hold onto that, it will be your reality.

Children living in these kind of households often develop issues in adult life, because of what they've seen and because this way of life becomes their normal. It affects their relationship choices and the cycle just continues.

In their minds, one parent abuses them and the other isn't getting them out of the situation.

You can divorce without consent after 5 years separated...you've had 10 years in separate bedrooms.

Freedombird you made me smile[smile
I just feel like I was going so well & now with the lock down the legal process appears to have really slowed down. Thankfully I am still working but he now is at home. My boys don't like being on their own with him.
I said to my solicitor that I would like this all sorted before I'm 50. She said no pressure then. It just feels like an eternity & my boys are growing up fast.
I am very open with the boys & tell them that this is not normal behaviour & that no woman will accept it especially now a days when girls are financially independent.
I know I have to do this on my own but I really hope the legal process works because it's my last hope to get him out of my life.

48 is young! You’ve got a whole life in front of you. Ring your solicitor and say you want papers served now. Or find another solicitor who can fasttrack this

I really hope the legal process works

There's no way it can't work sooner or later. Maybe there's some way of getting rid of him sooner?

It's never too late and going by statistical averages you have over 30 years left and probably will still have when you divorce. xxx

Your nasty bullying H has just come up against something, probably in a very long time that’s bigger than him.....the legal system. Yes it is slow, but have hope, it will deliver. He is s...scared he’s going to have change forced on him, he’s terrified, most bullies are sheep in wolves clothing, he realises he’s losing control, and doesn’t like it. 48, hey you’re in your prime, look forward to what the future can hold for you without this toxic human living with you and spoiling every day. You won’t know yourself, be patient, and delight in your children. Good luck

Be strong, it feels like it drags on for ever, and I know what it’s like to divorce someone against their will. You can’t imagine how wonderful ,calm and safe you and your dc are going to feel afterwards. Don’t give up!

I should have posted here sooner. You are making me feel much more positive. I have tried everything else this is my last chance. He's a bully of the highest order & always has been. I was only 20 when I met him & the day I married him I knew I was making a mistake but didn't know how to get of it. I've paid dearly since but I do have my 3 beautiful sons. Luckily I also never gave up my career. For the last 16 years I have been looking after my Mother, rearing my boys, working fulltime so I hadn't time to bless myself & he knew it. I also did the accounts for his business at one stage more fool me. Looking back I was such an idiot. I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty about the past, harbour resentment or get angry because I have wasted too much time on him already. Thank you for saying 48 is young. All your comments have been so kind. Thank you.

I would love to hear more from someone who divorced someone against their will & how they got their in the end. No answer when I contacted the solicitors office going to try again tomorrow & send an email incase they are working from home. He is a very big man & he used to walk up on top of me, red faced & threatening. Has called me horrific names in the past, make fun of me in front of others & think it was hilarious. I have been through so much with him & his behaviour over the years I don't know why I didn't do something sooner. He always descretly threatened me enough to keep me in my place. Would punch presses & break them, still punches inanimate objects at times. Also would have alot of fishing knives & owns two guns so I have also been subconsciously afraid. Has said all the usually stuff I'll kill myself if you leave, I'll go away & never see the children etc etc I think I suffer from trauma bonding.

Hi again, what a thoroughly obnoxious human being he sounds. I feel so sad you are living like this. I can’t give answers to yr above question, I haven’t been thru a divorce, but I think many women carry on with what they’ve got in the sincerest hope things will change. I was glad to read you have a job if for no other reason you will be more financially able as opposed to having been totally reliant on him for money. Keep your eye on the finishing post, it’s getting closer every day and what a prize you will claim......your freedom! I wish you only the best, keep smiling, hug your boys and one fine day you will be free of him. X

Ring women’s aid. Get advice on how to get rid of him. Not in two years time. Now. You don’t have to wait that long.

Next time he threatens you or punches something, call the police and have him removed.
In fact, contact the police now and give them your background information, they will then know you are a priority if you call.

OP, you know you are in a highly abusive relationship with a bully who terrorises you and your children for years ...in a house full of knives and 2 guns????

His banging around the place is violence.

Is there a reason you haven't contacted the police to let them know of these facts.

I think they would remove him from the house.

Does your solicitor know he has guns in the house and is extremely a abusive.

I don't think I ever thought anything would change because I know this is him. He has a way of keeping things drifting along it's hard to explain. He just doesn't engage if I try to discuss separating so therefore it is difficult to move forward. I am the higher earner & have always been. He is painfully tight. That is why he sticks with me to build up his own empire.

Regarding getting rid of him it is so hard to get rid of someone who doesn't want to go.

Thanks for your replies it is really giving me hope.

This is not the life you deserve OP. You will make it through the other side and be proud of your own strength. Trust that your children will understand your actions are necessary.
My parents are divorced, I was close to 13 when my dad left. I've since had nothing but admiration and gratitude for my mum that she followed through