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Original poster

Friend's ex messaging me

26 replies

Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:14

Around 3 years ago a friend of mine dated a guy for about a year. They broke up and my friend has now been with someone else for 2 years who she lives in Australia with, so I haven't seen her since then sadly.

When they were dating we went out as a group a few times, I thought he was nice enough but our other friend couldn't stand him and thought he was a complete prick.

Anyway my friend cheated on him and the relationship was just incredibly rocky, as far as I know they haven't spoken in years, but luckily I think they were civil towards the end.

Anyway he messaged me one day just asking how I was getting on with everything that's happening. I replied and now we have been messaging lots. He seems to like me and I think i'm attracted to him too.

However I feel like it's really unfair to my friend and like a bad person. Obviously nothing has happened, we have just been speaking online, but i've realised I like him.
I think I need to just tell him that this cannot go any further as he dated my friend, what do others think ?

OP posts:
AvoidingRealHumans · 05/04/2020 11:18

If you really like him and can see it going somewhere then carry on. It doesn't sound like they were serious and she's moved on.
Some people may think it necessary to 'ask' and get her blessing first but for me that would depend on how close you are to her now.

Winterlife · 05/04/2020 11:18

Your friend is happily (presumably) with someone else, in a far away country, so why is this even an issue?

I would see him and see how it plays out between you.

Musti · 05/04/2020 11:21

Don't see the problem. Your friend cheated on him, she's with someone else and in a different country.

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:22

Thank you. I'm not close to her, we used to hang out in a group a lot but sadly as I say I haven't seen her in 2 years as she lives in Australia, but we speak online maybe once a month/every 2 months.

They were in an LDR for a while and the last 6 months of their relationship was very rocky. I know she cheated but I think he was also a bit immature at times.

Fortunately she has moved on, but I still feel uneasy for some reason

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 05/04/2020 11:23

Do you think your friend would be that bothered? And with her in Australia is it a friendship that is going strong?
I have ex’s that I wouldn’t care about friends dating; yes it’d feel a bit weird but I’d get over it quite easily especially if I was in a different country and didn’t see them together on a regular basis.

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:24

Another thing is that 4 years ago, this friend really liked a guy and they had a ONS (before she got with that current boyfriend). Anyway nothing ever went further and they were just friends after and then she met that new boyfriend. Then the guy she had a ONS with ended up saying he liked me, I don't want it to seem like i've got form for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:25

I'm not sure if my friend would be bothered. I'm pretty sure she couldn't care less about him anymore as a person, I just know it was quite a turbulent relationship.
She's planning to settle permanently in Austalia and lives with her boyfriend I believe.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2020 11:29

But you didn't make a move on the ONS guy, did you? You're not the puppet-master in charge of what he said.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, drop her a line and give her the heads up- not as an asking permission thing, but just "hey, [pal], I'm sort of starting a thing with [dude], anything I should know?!"

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:32

I eventually went on a date with him (after she had started dating the other boyfriend) and she was really nice about it, telling me that she didn't have feelings for him, I should go for it etc. (looking back, I shouldn't have done it though).
But I think she was angry because she talked to ONS guy about me behind my back and then told a mutual friend that 'ONS guy didn't have feelings for me.'

It wasn't nice of me, I admit.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 05/04/2020 11:36

So she’s not really a friend.

I wouldn’t seek her approval nor tell her. If she asks in the future, then you can tell her.

LennyPugGoat · 05/04/2020 11:40

You're making this harder than it needs to be, you are just talking online and getting to know each other better.

I wouldn't give it a 2nd though, as long as you are both single

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:43

Maybe i'm overthinking it, yeah...

OP posts:
Dery · 05/04/2020 11:45

It always makes me uneasy when I see a black and white statement like "I think I need to tell him that this cannot go any further as he dated my friend". He's a human being, not a possession. Your friend doesn't own him. If he and your friend had had a LTR which had recently ended and from which she was still nursing a broken heart, then I agree that would be a reason to keep him at arms' length unless you regarded your possible relationship with him as more important than your friendship with your friend. But that's so far from being the situation in this case - the relationship was never stable, they split up 2 years ago and your friend has moved to the other side of the world and is with someone else. I can see why, as a courtesy, you might want to tell her but you really don't need her permission. It worries me that you were so quick to put your friend's probably non-existent feelings ahead of your own. Is that something you often do? Why do you think her feelings matter more than yours?

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 11:51

Welcome to my mind 😂 I don't know, it's just what I am like..
I was thinking about it though, if it were my recent ex dating a friend of mine i'd be pretty upset (but that ex cheated on me), if it were exes from years back I couldn't care less tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 12:55

I think I will just see how it goes and not think about it further.

OP posts:
Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 05/04/2020 13:11

It’s suspect timing he may only be reaching out because he’s bored. Why hasn’t he reached out before?

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 13:22

That's true.. I mean he reached out in February and we chatted then, but he started again in March.. Knowing my luck it will probably just be that 🙄

OP posts:
Myyearmytime · 05/04/2020 13:43

Well enjoy it for what is

Original poster
Sapphiresunrise · 05/04/2020 14:02

I will, would be nice if he actually had feelings not just one thing like usual lol

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 05/04/2020 14:07

You don't date friend's exes or your ex's friends.
You don't date relative's exes or your ex's relatives.
If you keep to this unwritten suggestion, less people end up hurt.
There are millions of people in the world, date them instead.

Bingeslayer · 05/04/2020 14:12

I wouldn't give it a second thought.I wouldn't go out with an ex of my 2 best friends but anyone else I would.

HollowTalk · 05/04/2020 14:12

@savingshoes - if you live in a small town it's inevitable that people will go out with someone their friends went out with.

The friend cheated on him and emigrated with another man!

SudokuQueen · 05/04/2020 15:11

I would usually go by the rule of you don't date friends exs. It's just not a nice thing to do.

But she lives in another country now, on the other side of the world. It's been two years, it's unlikely she is coming back. So that makes it a bit more OK. It's up to you I guess, maybe run it past her first? Although that could make it seem like gloating.

Heartburn888 · 05/04/2020 15:21

If she’s a really good friend I wouldn’t bother. But if you want to pursue then I’d speak to her about it and tell her

sonjadog · 05/04/2020 15:37

There is no way that I would give up a relationship for someone who I am only in touch with occasionally. Your friendship sounds like it is declining and if she stays in Australia, chances are that you are going to see even less of her in the future. So why would you make life decisions based around her?

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