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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he right, am I the problem?

41 replies

Bluee91 · 04/04/2020 22:21

Me and my partner have been together 4 years now and have a son together. We did live together but briefly split, not long after our son was born we decided to work it out but take things slow so still live separately.

Over a year later we are still living apart. Due to the whole self isolation thing I’ve had time to look back on a few things and I’m now questioning if he’s right in saying I’m the problem or is he gaslighting me?

So he comes over to see me and our son 4 evenings a week after work but takes a few evenings off for ‘time to himself’
Whenever I say I’m bothered/upset about something he always says I’m trying to start an argument or I’m pushing him too much as he needs space and can’t be with us all the time. This is a continuous thing even on days off. There seems to always be a reason he can’t spend a whole day/night here.

Anyway we have both been self isolating separately (his choice) but yesterday I fell down the stairs and I’m more than certain I have a fracture in my foot. I can barely walk, swollen and bruised. I asked if he could come self isolate here for the rest of the time just to help me with our son as I’m struggling to even walk. I can’t get up to a&e as I don’t want to take our young son there and I have no one to help look after him due to what’s going on so I’m trying to put up with it. He was due to come today but decided not to as he wanted to paint his house and wouldn’t have time. I feel so angry that I’m in agony with our son and he won’t even come to help and with all other reason as I’ve explained before I tried talking to him about why this upset me and I’ve had it thrown back in my face saying I’m trying to start an argument and how he needed to do this today and it’s basically all about how he feels and how I’m just ‘over reacting’ it’s not his fault blah blah. Am I over reacting that this is bothering me so much?

OP posts:
ellabella18 · 04/04/2020 22:39

Are you sure he's isolating alone? He sounds like he doesn't want to be with you op. I'm sorry Thanks

Original poster
Bluee91 · 04/04/2020 22:41

Yeah I’m pretty sure he is but in all honesty I think he just wants the best of both worlds.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2020 22:42

Wow.

Well, at least you know to stop trying to make this work with him. He doesn't give one shiny shit about you.

usersouthcoast · 04/04/2020 22:42

You are definitely not overreacting. You've fractured your foot (which will take months to heal comfortably - sorry) and he can't help with his own son?
He's telling you who he is right now.

I'm so sorry

justasking111 · 04/04/2020 22:45

Go to A & E with your child, admissions are down nearly 50% coronavirus are handled separately, no drunks, if you had broken your leg would you have dragged yourself around on your bottom for a few months.

When you have done all that, ghost the bastard who likes to think you are a couple, because you aren`t.

GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 04/04/2020 22:45

Why are you with this person? He doesn't give a flying fuck about you does he?

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2020 22:45

He sounds absolutely dreadful.

I’m sorry to say this but if he loved you he’d be there looking after you and his son.Flowers.

Smellbellina · 04/04/2020 22:47

He’s a cunt Flowers

pallasathena · 04/04/2020 22:48

Why on earth are you in a relationship with this specimen? You're an intelligent, caring, fully functioning person who very obviously, deserves to have a prince not a prat in your life.
Standards OP.
Standards.

RandomMess · 04/04/2020 22:48

Well he's told you who he is and what his priorities are and they aren't your DC or you Confused

End it!

I hope you can get your foot seen Thanks

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2020 22:48

Also text this man and tell him he must come and take care of his son tomorrow at 9am, whilst you go to A&E.

Embracelife · 04/04/2020 22:50

Go to a and e and get your foot seen to
There are separate entrances for normal accidents

Original poster
Bluee91 · 04/04/2020 22:51

Thanks for all your replies. I knew I wasn’t overreacting but felt like I needed opinions for sure!

OP posts:
Embracelife · 04/04/2020 22:52

Your child can travel between your two homes ot is allowed
So tell him you taking a taxi to a and e in the morning and dropping off ds for the day

CodenameVillanelle · 04/04/2020 22:54

He's not a partner is he? He's a terrible person. Please open your eyes and end this pointless relationship.

GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 04/04/2020 22:54

Smellbellina Grin

Opentooffers · 04/04/2020 22:55

He doesn't want a relationship with you, you should give it up and move on, he's throwing you crumbs and you're putting up with it for some reason? It doesn't even sound like he's parenting much, if at all. Has he ever looked after his child on his own even? What kind of man would leave you in agony, even if it's just to look after his child so that you can get seen to?
It's a concern that your thought processes have been unable to work out that he is using you. You've not been taking it slow for a year, he's got you right where he wants you and you will not progress any further, not should you, I'm sure he'd be hell to live with anyway.

BlingLoving · 04/04/2020 22:55

Oh OP. This man is horrible and clearly doesn't care about you or your DS. Even before social distancing he was showing you this. You share a son and, supposedly, a relationship, and yet he requires 3 nights off again for "his own time". When do you get some time to yourself?

And for him to refuse to help right now when you are injured? Oh my god, he's a total selfish waste of space. He should be rushing over to look after DS while you go to A&E.

I'm sorry OP. But this is not a good relationship.

Opentooffers · 04/04/2020 22:56

Nor should you.

Original poster
Bluee91 · 04/04/2020 22:57

@Opentooffers I’ve just moved into a new house so I’m on a years tenancy but he’s said that if I chose to stay in my area and not move where he is (20 minute drive away) it’s over anyway. So really it’ll be over at some point.

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 04/04/2020 22:57

Go to A&E, if it doesn't heal right you could have long term problems.

He sounds very selfish.

Musti · 04/04/2020 22:58

Woah what an absolute arsehole. Split properly with him and he can care for his child and you can have time for yourself and get on with your life

JasonPollack · 04/04/2020 22:58

What a cock. Where is your time to yourself?

This man does not care about you. I'm sorry. If he loved you he would be worried about your foot, and want to support you with your son. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too the selfish twat.

Is there anyone else who can have your baby while you go A&E? It would be allowed under guidelines as it's care for the vulnerable. Tell him you'll take some time to think and see him after isolation.

copycopypaste · 04/04/2020 23:00

He sounds like a selfish, self centred twat.

If he loved you and your dc he'd have rushed over to help.

I've been poorly (not corona) and even my twat of an ex husband offered to take the kids and look after them for a few days until I felt better to give me a break. We don't even like each other that much. Your supposed to be in a relationship with this man and he puts painting over your and your dc well being Hmm shame on him.

LTB

LizzieSiddal · 04/04/2020 23:00

So really it’ll be over at some point.

You should take control of the situation and tell him it’s over now. Don’t let him make the decision. Tell him to F off.