Husband makes no effort with my family and seems jealous of their time with our children

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My husband is in most part, a nice guy, loyal, works hard, a great dad to our two children etc. We have fun as a family and the majority of time we are happy.

BUT....he has never really tried to ingratiate himself into my family (I’m very close to my mum and two sisters), and he acts like it’s such a chore to see them. He’s never understood why I want to see them relatively regularly (mum about twice a month, my sisters maybe once a month), or that I would go to my mum for support, advice etc when needed (sometimes you just need your mum?)

He has a mother (and father to a certain degree) who can’t seem to let him go and worship the ground he walks on. He is near to 40 and if they could, would fund his whole life. His mother, I believe is very manipulative and has made comments in the past about me being close to my mum. I think she feels threatened and my husband realises this, but doesn’t want to upset her. So much so, it’s almost like tit for tat, if I FaceTime my mum with the children, he then FaceTimes his mum. There’s a constant battle between us about who looks after the children if we go out for dinner (my mum is very relaxed and never pushes to do anything with the children, whereas his mother is constantly trying to push us to go out or away so she can have the children all to herself). I have no problem with his parents babysitting etc but I do have a problem with constantly giving them what they want in order to make them feel needed and special (when we got engaged his mother started going on how he was going to forget her, she was no longer going to be his next of kin etc). When I had my first baby, she literally pushed me away from the pram, so she could push her. Both my husband and FIL witnessed it, looked awkward but ignored it...don’t want to upset mum as she cries and plays victim at the drop of a hat...Odd.

My husband, I feel, distances himself from my family/mum because he doesn’t want to upset his mother who just gets so jealous. I always feel I can’t naturally say I’m going to see my mum, or my mums coming to stay, because he makes it quite hard or insinuates “does she really need to stay?” It’s awful..we have a great time together but our arguments always link back to family, especially his mother’s behaviour (which he can’t see) and his behaviour towards my mother.

He also himself seems to get jealous about my children spending time with my family, which I find odd. If I go to see my family (I’m a SAHM and tend to go on a week day), I’m more or less permitted one night only (they’re 2 hours away) because he misses his children too much and I get these over emotional messages when I am staying for one night that he misses his children and family and is feeling down. It’s one night!! But in the same breath, he also doesn’t like us going to see them on the weekends as he believes that’s his time, so I don’t ever feel I can comfortably see my family. We do however see his family on a weekend, reasoned because he’s at work during the week and doesn’t get to see them, fair enough ish I guess.

I guess I just struggle, I get that many people have jealous MILs which affects their relationship with their husband, and I know other people who struggle with that, but I don’t ever come across people whose husband also seems so uninterested in their wife’s family, who get jealous when their children see their wife’s family, or are quite possessive over their children? I do think it’s because he knows his mum would have a breakdown at any word of my mum doing things with the children, but I’ve just never come across this before and have no one who really understands.

Long post, so apologies!!

Poor you, he is jealous, and a bit crazy like his mother.
My husband is known for being quite horrible if I visit my other with the children, he’s often quite childish too.
Stick up for yourself.
Sadly you’ll have to be firm, and keep seeing your family x

My mother **

I don't think.it's unreasonable at all that he misses them when you take them away overnight and sends 'emotional' messages. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Sounds like you have rather gendered views of what a man should feel like.

I could have written your post, OP. Particularly the bit about tit for tat and competitiveness.

I’m my situation, my main problem is how he is very standoffish with my mum (who is our emergency contact for the children and does a lot to help us). I don’t understand why and he has only behaved this way since our children came along. He used to get on quite well with her.

I like my in-laws (can’t say that I love them). But my DH is the main issue. Prior to having children his parents used to visit us maybe twice per year and stay in a hotel nearby (they live 3 hours away). At that time we lived in a flat but it was big a spacious. Since having children we have moved to a house but it is actually smaller In square footage that our old place, but his parents now come and stay with us approx once per month for the whole weekend, often with DBIL. There is not really enough room in the house and it makes me feel claustrophobic, and I look forward to them leaving if I am honest. My DH gets annoyed at me when I try to discuss the frequency of these visits. Or ask him why he let us buy a small house when they want to come to stay - I had no idea this was going to be the case when we moved - they never stayed with us in the flat.

My DH would hate to have to spend that significant amount of time with my mum, as I have to with his parents.

My DH is difficult to talk to about it and always “takes their side” if I try to bring it up (which I probably do if he talks about my mum).

The last time I had to say something was when I was 3 days post natal after a c section and they arrived (I had pre-warned that they had to stay in a hotel), but they arrived at my house at 9am and stayed all day. I found them discussing With my DH what take away they were planning to have that evening. I ended up in tears, begging my husband to get them to leave so I could have some space, and for our new son to bond with my older DS, and to establish feeding. I was made to feel like I was being unreasonable. I was not.

My DH clearly does not like that the children get to see my mum on a weekly basis (when not in lockdown), but I always take them to see my mum when he is working. Sometimes if can be 6 months between times he sees my mum.

Incidentally, we only live near my mum as his job brought us to this city. It is a coincidence that it is where i grew up.

It’s exhausting and quite sad actually that after almost 15 years together as a couple, I still feel like it’s “his family” and “my family”.

I don't think.it's unreasonable at all that he misses them when you take them away overnight and sends 'emotional' messages.

It's one night, once a fortnight and they are with their other parent. If someone (regardless of gender) cannot go that long apart from their family without sending emotionally blackmailing messages there is something thing very very wrong.

Op and mumofoneandahalf I agree with pp. You have to keep battling on to see your family. This is a form of control in my view. You mustn't let his behaviour cut you off from your family. And put your foot down about the monthly visits! I would either stay in a hotel, have a girlie weekend or call mil and tell her to come less often. It's your home! OP your husband doesn't know what healthy relationships look like with mothers. Stick to your guns and also ask him to get closer to your mum because she would appreciate it.

I couldn't marry someone who didn't want to accept my family. I'm really close to my Mum and I wouldn't stay with a man who acted like this for 5 minutes never mind 15 years. Sorry op, I think he's a knob.

Shoxfordian unfortunately a lot of this has come about post marriage and children, it’s been like a switch. He always seemed to get on with my mum ok and I got on with his parents ok. As soon as we got engaged, and during the wedding planning, his mum started getting very jealous and underhand, playing the victim and trying to make it all about her, but I could manage it. Once the children came along, then it all changed. His parents, especially his mum, seemed to expect she would almost be a like a second mother to my children and couldn’t understand why I would perhaps go to my own mother for some support and help. As soon as my first daughter was born, is when the shift in my husbands behaviour became apparent, it became all about pleasing his mum to the detriment of being friendly with my mum.

Things are better over time, but more because he has seen how friends of ours seem to have normal situations with parents, ie the wife sees her mum a lot with the children, the husbands parents babysit occasionally etc. But he’s still not 100% comfortable with things, rather just I think, grins and bears whatever is causing him issues so there’s not another argument.

I do often wonder why I’m in this position as I’m so close to my mum and sisters and I’d love a husband who got that (he has definitely gotten better over the last year or so) but it just wasn’t an issue until marriage and children. I do think because of the way his mother behaves and the way he has been brought up to see no wrong in her. Therefore to not upset her or make her feel jealous he has maybe subconsciously (maybe not, who knows!) shifted his attitude towards my family, because i think he then feels he’s not complicit in making her feel jealous or upsetting her.

A few years ago I could have written this OP. Things have calmed down now but it took a lot of awful drama for things to changed. It's also something which has caused huge resentment for me, so much so that I'm not really sure what the future will hold. It does need to be addressed but the main problem you will have is convincing your DH there is an issue. Google FOG.

I had a similar situation as part of a wider relationship problem with DH. At Christmas I was preparing to leave him and told him so. It was not blackmail - I meant it and was going to go ahead with it.
He has made a huge amount of effort and with now 4 months of regular counselling it is very clear that his relationship with his own parents was so much more problematic than he realised.
Things are good with us for now. Thankfully.
Maybe your DH would consider counselling? However, mine definitely wouldn’t have done without the impetus of me nearly leaving.

MumOfOneAndAHalf it’s so hard isn’t it? I too feel likes it his family and my family and his lack of real interest in my family is just really upsetting. Like you, my husband can go months without seeing my mum (often if she stays, he sees it as an opportunity to either work late or go for drinks and then he’s out for work early the next day so doesn’t ever see her) but when we see his parents, as it’s a weekend due to him working, it’s a full on day or so, but I am polite and civil because I want everything to be normal. This is despite many many manipulative things his mother has done..I grin and bear it for ease and for the sake of my children, and because I don’t want to be rude/look rude!?

When I had my first daughter (sorry don’t know all the lingo!) and went back to work it was made very clear by him that childcare was going to be split between both sets of grandparents. Fair enough. Mum lives 2 hours away, is on her own and is in her early 70s (but a very young and independent ‘OAP’!!) so she would drive up the night before. His parents live 40 mins away so would drive over on the morning they would be looking after our daughter. This caused issues with my husband “why does your mum have to come up the night before and not the morning of??” - he was really expecting her to get up at 4:30/5am and drive 2 hours to get here for 7am when we both left. It was awful and my poor mum really sensed he wasn’t welcoming at all. In fact, she got here earlier one evening but didn’t feel she could knock so sat in her car around the corner until it was the time she said she’d be here...awful!!! Things have improved a lot since then, but still!!

I’ve been made to feel unreasonable a lot, especially when our children were born, almost as though the feelings of his parents were more important than mine who had just birthed his child.

Although I’m really sorry you’ve experienced a lot of what I have, it is nice to hear of someone who understands some of the areas I struggle with. As i say, I know people with difficult relationships with their in laws, but who don’t have the added layer of their husband being distant and rude to their wife’s family, or acting possessive over the children, when it comes to them seeing my family

In the same way you dislike his mum he probably dislikes your family and there might be things he believes they do are manipulative. Nobody really likes their in-laws and I think your / their visits are probably too frequent. I have a big fat Indian family, really close, and DH genuinely loves them (I love his too) but even I would find seeing my mum every two weeks (when she lives hours away) and relying on her for childcare too much. I presume the two weekends a month you aren’t seeing your mum you’re seeing your sister for only leaves one weekend a month for family time!

parrotonmyshoulder I’m sorry you’ve been having issues. I too, when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child (and with an almost 2 year old), left. His mother had repeatedly been ‘seeding’ how I was going to struggle with two little children and would need a lot of help (ie her).

After many rounds of this constant seeding I took umbrage and told my husband it was really wearing me down and beginning to make me really worry about having this second, very wanted baby. He phoned his mum to say it’s perhaps not the best thing to keep saying. She blew up and went mental, crying, taking a few days off work due to stress etc. It became this huge drama, all about her and her feelings. Where he was originally supportive of me, soon gave way to feeling so awful for her and that he had been part of causing her upset by phoning her in the first place. I was made to feel id caused an issue.

So I left. More for some space and to get away from it all, as I say I was 8 months pregnant and with a 2 year old and I just needed to be away from it. I did come back and things got better, but I still have a lot of resentment.

I tried many times to talk to his mum, but she never wanted to, so we didn’t talk or see one another until my son arrived, and she then waltzed in as if nothing had ever happened, and to this day, it’s never been mentioned.

I would love to try counselling but at the moment things are ok so I think my husband would wonder why I’m bringing it all up. I do know something else will blow up again in the not too distant future, so I will push then. Your comment about it making him realise his relationship with his parents is far more problematic than he realises, has really resonated with me. I KNOW his behaviour is a direct result of his relationship with them, he has been so emotionally manipulated, especially by her and I’d love him to realise that.

GrumpyHoonMain I completely agree that there will be grievances both sides and my family irritate him etc, I’m not so biased to not see that

However, you have presumed wrong - I see Mum every couple of weeks, on a week day (I’m a SAHM for the time being), we meet in the middle for the day, or I occasionally will stay a night back home if my husband is out that night or working late etc (but I will be made to feel ive taken his kids from him as he doesn’t get to see them for 20 mins the next morning) When I see my sisters, it again tends to be week days. I’m under no illusion that weekends, unless for something like a family birthday, are off limits and are time for our family. We do see his family on the weekend, because he works during the week, which I get.

It’s more the way he behaves to my family which is the issue, versus the way I behave with his family, and his mother, who has caused a lot of issues through her jealousy (which at times he admits and then retracts!!)

Thank you though, I do appreciate your opinion.

Quirrelsothersface thank you, I shall Google it. I’m glad things are ok for the time being, I completely understand the resentment...

GrumpyHoonMain I should add, no grandparents are used for childcare anymore, they did when I had my first child and I went back to work, before I then went on to have my second. So that ‘visitation’ isn’t included in the me seeing my mum every couple of weeks

Goldencurtain didn’t mean to make it sound gendered at all, it’s just he happens to be of the opposite gender. I’d find it odd if I were married to a woman and they sent messages like that. It’s one night and they’re with a parent, he doesn’t see them at night anyway as they’re in bed when he gets home from work (pre lockdown).

Maybe just now during the lockdown time you will both be able to again an appreciation of both wider families and discuss how you’d like to change moving forward?

Isadora2007 yes I completely agree and have thought that myself. Puts things into perspective.

These are big problems IMO. Suggest couple’s counselling. Things are not OK.

This makes for awful reading and I feel very sorry for you in this situation. You cannot go on like this and I agree with Dozer that you both need to seek couples counselling.

This sounds very stressful and hard work. Also wondering when you get any time to yourself? Perhaps he could visit his parents at weekend without you, in the same way you visit your mum during week without him - sounds like you could do with less contact with his mum as she's behaving so poorly. Also second the idea of some counselling!

Will your DH be willing to talk to a therapist though; does he think there is an issue?.

Its not your fault nor your DH's for that matter that his parents are the ways they are. His parents were not good parents to him when he was growing up and now you have a man who remains in a FOG state (fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to his mother in particular. His mother has been the main instigator here but his dad has allowed this to happen and he has acted as her enabler too. I would certainly keep your children well away from both his parents here.

I'm very much in the same boat. I have come to believe that MIL is a narc and only really cares about appearances and needing to be central to things rather than genuinely caring or loving any of us. I don't think she knows how. It took her behaviour to get ridiculous once DD was born to start that discussion with DH in therapy. It has absolutely brought up a lot for him about his own childhood as MILs feeling have been put before everything. I have really reduced my time with them as its just too stressful. Let DH take the DC and entertain them. I also point out there PIL are clearly too old and outdated to keep up with DD so no more childcare just to appease MIL - I caught them trying to buy a battered 2nd car seat and then bathing DD in freezing water amongst other things. Do keep the relationship with your family going though for your own sanity and support. I noticed that DH and family had almost absorbed me into theirs and distanced my family completely which then made me question whether their behaviour was normal and I was just being weird. You need those normal relationships as a guide stick.

trulyconfuseddotcom I don’t is the answer!

So the funny thing is, despite all this hostility towards my mum (which has got better over time), and despite him being close to his parents and never wanting to upset them, especially her, he’s not that bothered about seeing them regularly, he will phone twice a week or so and there are texts, but actually arranging to see them, isn’t his forte (perhaps just a male mentality? Without meaning to be gendered!!). Prior to the lockdown, we hadn’t seen them since early feb and we haven’t seen his sister since Christmas Day..she lives 25 mins away from us. I think this is half the problem, he doesn’t seem to have a close relationship with his sister, not fussed about seeing lots of his parents (but speaks a lot) and therefore doesn’t get that I am close to my family and enjoy seeing them. So i tend to see my family without him, on a week day when he’s working. Never a weekend. Then throw in a very needy mother in law who sends very manipulative messages, and comments when we do see them.

I used to make a lot of effort to arrange things with his parents / sister, despite there having been a fall out with his mother, because I think families should see each other, and my children deserve to have two sets of grandparents who love them.

It’s an odd one because he worships his parents and has this strange emotionally manipulated relationship with them (mother especially), but doesn’t go out of his way to see them a lot.

Very complex!!