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Original poster

Why do I feel sorry for ex husband ?

27 replies

kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 19:53

My marriage came to an abrupt end last summer. He wanted out of the marriage and met his now partner ( his words) at that time. The marriage was dead for a year or more. I was more of a mother than a partner to him and was resentful and tired of marriage with him. He lived his life free of the daily grind, parenting and house keeping.The respect and the love was well gone. I supported him for years to climb the ladder , both practically and financially. He left once he reached the top of his game .

I felt trauma as did our children. We moved by choice and have slowly been rebuilding our lives. I've had months of counselling and feel stronger now.Our home is happy now, no shouting, no criticising the children, no him irritating the children for a reaction. Harmony at last.

However, for him he has lost his job, his transport and perks. He is living rurally on his own and seems despaired.

His relationship with the two younger kids is excellent except for Our eldest who wants nothing to do with him.

He and his partner continue to see one another for three days per week, despite NHS restrictions. She has her own child who is with a childminder in another city while they are together and she travels to spend the time with him.
I don't think our children should really be with him under the circumstances. Covid-19 is rife where we live and where she lives. He is torn as he wants to be with her.they have chosen to continue to see each other which means he knows in conscience seeing the kids as normal is a bad idea.

My issue is that I feel really distraught and sorry for him and wonder why that is. I worry for his mental health now as he is isolated with no job, no money and no car and
Is living rurally What is wrong with me? I have no romantic feelings for him anymore and chat quite freely about her with him as the need arises.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 02/04/2020 19:57

Imo enjoy the karma op...

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 20:03

You would think that I would feel
Smug .I wish I did Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2020 20:05

Cos you're a nice person and being responsible for him is long term habit you've had.

There's no issue feeling compassion towards him as long as it doesn't go so far as risk your own hard-won contentment and the dc's stability.

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 20:19

Yes I've always felt responsible for him. I found myself in a position of carer rather then partner. He is not a bad man but he is phenomenally selfish and still
Sees himself as a type of victim in his own shitstorm.
Family life was just not for him.
I was worried that I was being a mug.

OP posts:
soannya · 02/04/2020 20:45

You say you feel distraught for him. That’s a very strong emotion considering the circumstances. I’d suggest you’re very over invested in him and his life. Why do you know all of these details? All of this is as a result of his choices and actions. I think you should stop investing in him and his life and start building up your own. Are you dating again yet?

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 20:50

No but I think I'm ready but am nervous about it . I don't love him anymore and think I have healed from the trauma of the whole thing somewhat. Thanks to pps, I see now that I have a type of maternal sympathy for him which is a bit messed up isn't it .thank you

OP posts:
Gutterton · 02/04/2020 20:54

You need to acknowledge your feelings internally as long as you are careful what words and actions (behaviours) follow.

So it is fine to feel a bit sad for him. But maybe examine that a bit closer and decide that you should feel sadder for you and your DCs and their childhood he chose to decimate.

Be careful not to “do” or “say” anything inappropriate - then you would be being a mug.

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 20:55

Thanks@Gutterton . Can I have examples ?

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2020 20:58

It may also be a solid thing/person to worry about, if you see what I mean? These are really tough times, and emotions are heightened, and he's someone you have history with. So you might be sort of projecting some of that onto him.

I don't think it's a bad thing to be able to feel sorry for him - surely that's healthier than harbouring resentment and schadenfreude? As long as you don't go doing anything for him at your own (emotional or other) expense.

freeingNora · 02/04/2020 21:01

Trauma bond have a good google his abuse was so complete as to convince you that you were responsible for his happiness he'd convinced you that his life choices and therefore the consequences were your fault. This is often the crux of domestic abuse

Abusers often turn your humanity against you

Stay well away and seek counselling for this

Gutterton · 02/04/2020 21:05

He is torn as he wants to be with her.they have chosen to continue to see each other which means he knows in conscience seeing the kids as normal is a bad idea.

He has chosen her (or his cock) again over his DCs.

He is mixing at least 3-4 households and expecting you to place your DCs into this high infection risk situation - against Government / NHS advice - and exposing the rest of us, our NHS staff and wasting resources.

If you send your DCs you are complicit in this as well.

Hannah021 · 02/04/2020 21:07

He's not torn
he had to choose, the lady or his kids, and he chose the lady.

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 21:08

Thanks@category12 again.
No I won't compromise Myself or the children but he wants the kids to spend lots of time with him while also having her stay for days at a time despite lockdown. He seems incapable of just locking down on his own or with his kids for the sake of a relative short amount Of time.
I am Frightened that I will sick because my children are extra attached to me since he left me and Our family broke and dread the thoughts of them not having access to
Me while potentially unwell . I worry because of their ages that I couldn't
Mind them and the stress they would be under and actually I have nobody to mind me either.perhaps I am Projecting.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 02/04/2020 21:10

How is her child still with a childminder?

That’s so many households being mixed - yours, his, hers, possibly her DCs DF and the childminders family and however many of her mindees families.....

Crikey0000 · 02/04/2020 21:11

He's a self centred prick, you need to really consider your children and your own needs before worrying about him. He has reaped what he sowed, and he continues to make decisions in his own interests. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel sorry for him but perhaps you should examine your priorities.

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 21:12

Thanks. @freeingNora .I
would never have consider him to be abusive. I would say he is emotionally immature or underdeveloped as my counsellor said .
I will google that trauma bond

OP posts:
Gutterton · 02/04/2020 21:14

No you are not projecting.

Your DCs need you healthy.

They have only you to rely on.

He abandoned them emotionally when he was living with you all, then physically when he left the family and even now he cannot prioritise their health (or anyone else’s).

Don’t facilitate this. Protect your DCs from this selfish irresponsible man.

TheFaerieQueene · 02/04/2020 21:15

You say he isn’t a bad man but he is selfish - your words. That is a bad man. A good man isn’t ever selfish.

thefourgp · 02/04/2020 21:16

‘ he is not a bad man... ‘. Yes he is OP. He used you for years, had children he didn’t want to take full responsibility for raising and is continuing to choose his new girlfriend over the health of his children. I still don’t think you see him for who he really is.

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 21:29

I really appreciate these posts. They are really driving home to me what type of man I was married to for so long.
His conscience is really pricking at him at the moment. He wants to compromise (?) but having a gap of three days before he sees kids after seeing her ...
yes selfish

OP posts:
Gutterton · 02/04/2020 21:54

That’s not within the rules of stay home and save lives though is it?

Original poster
kormaqueen · 02/04/2020 22:08

No it's not. This is why I was torn. Feeling sorry for him that he was alone and rural
And unemployed and
No money and no car.
His eldest child can't bear him . His family and friends are disgusted at how he walked away without a backward glance and most o those friends he met through me and don't
Want much to do with him anymore so he has lost so much. His family are horrified at what he did to his kids not to mention me .
But you are right, he feels sorry for himself and is still putting himself first to the proposed detriment of the kids.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 02/04/2020 22:12

You need to stay strong. Well done for getting counselling and moving on with your life. Three days is not long enough. He could be ill and pass it onto them and he knows that. He’s once again pushing the responsibility/decision onto you to make because he’s selfish and doesn’t want to temporarily go without seeing his girlfriend. He’d rather you be forced to tell him he can’t see the kids so he can say it’s not his fault he’s not seeing them. Selfish prat. Please do not keep feeling sorry for him. He doesn’t deserve your pity and he uses it to get you to do what he wants.

hopingforbettertimes · 02/04/2020 23:13

I have found myself in a similar situation. Partner of 10yrs left unexpectedly in the summer. I decided to have no contact with him after I found out he had started seeing someone else and I suspected I had been taken for a mug. He suggested that he hadn’t wanted to be with me for several years, and in those years I had been helping to support him while he studied and decided what he was doing in life. I had also suspected for several years that he was having mental health issues of some kind.

The breakup was really hard for me - lots of tears, sadness and some counselling. However recently I have started to feel a bit better and look forward a bit more. In that time I made contact with ex as we still need to sort out house. In contacting him I have discovered all is not well with him - he is having ongoing mental health problems, is in therapy, is now not able to work due to virus and says he struggles to see a future. No idea if he is still with girlfriend but in someways I hope he is. I have found myself worrying about him and we send friendly texts every couple of days.

But today I took a moment to remember how shit he made me feel and how hurtful it all was. He has since apologised but it doesn’t erase the fact it happened. In speaking to my friends they justify my worrying as me just being a decent person (like you probably are) and perhaps similar to you, I spent years feeling responsible for him and almost taking care of him. I certainly don’t think abuse of any sort plays a part in my situation. I think we are really just decent folk who don’t like to see people suffer and it is just difficult to stop worrying about someone and caring if they are ok or not, even if they have been a selfish shit. My ex is not a ‘bad man’ - yes he acted like a shit and was extremely selfish but there were circumstances around it. Like you, I am wanting to make sure I don’t get dragged back in and want to make sure I put myself first.

Gutterton · 02/04/2020 23:30

Why do you feel torn? The facts are that he is prepared to put your DCs lives, your life and our NHS staff lives at risk for a shag?

Why do you feel sorry for him? He got to choose how to live his life - no one else in your family has that privilege.

Are you projecting YOUR distress on to him?

Because you know what - he is happy as a pig in shit it with his ego and cxxk stroked by his GF - loved up in his love shack.

Please turn your back on him and give any emotional energy and focus you have spare to you eldest DC who is clearly deeply wounded. He needs you to salve the emotional injury left by his DF - not be preoccupied by the deadbeat dad.

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