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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No exes have reached out to me during Covid-19

47 replies

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 11:43

I keep hearing everyone talking about how the slightly dystopian, apocalyptic feel of Covid-19 is causing exes to scurry out of the woodwork, and I can't help but feel jealous (no, I'm not joking.)

I had a really bad breakup in October. He was my best friend and we had been together for two years. I discovered that he had gotten another woman pregnant that he had been seeing from about two months after our relationship began. He told her we were FWB and they began a situationship of their own. The relationship ended and I have dealt with a fair bit of grief since then (a job loss, two deaths in the family etc.)

I keep hearing people say that exes have reached out to see if they are okay and I can't help but feel angry that this person hasn't reached out to even pretend to care.

I know his behaviour shows he was a selfish even sociopathic person, but I don't get why people's exes are reaching out and yet none of mine are?

I know there are worse things going on in Covid-19 (actually I am dealing with some of those too), but it's also the little things that can make me feel utterly crap and this is one of them. I feel lonelier and uncared for at this vulnerable time.

OP posts:

sosickofthisshit · 02/04/2020 11:46

None of mine have and I'm glad. They're exes for a reason

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 02/04/2020 11:47

Ahh I’m sorry OP. I understand you wanting to know they still care. I haven’t had any either. But I’m very happy about that. Ive spent most of this lockdown thanking my lucky stars I’m not having to isolate with any of them.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 02/04/2020 11:50

My exes are blocked so even if they had I wouldn’t know. As pp said, exes are that for a reason and as another said, imagine having toisolate with them!

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 11:51

It just seems like so many of my friends and family members have all these men/people from the past re-emerging and absolutely no-one has reached out to me, him being the most recent of course, and I feel hurt.

I realise I am not over the breakup (the heartbreak, deception, the lost potential etc - we were about to move in together when I discovered he had cheated) and I feel even more discarded to not get even one text or email.

Some people seem to be reflecting on life choices right now and part of me hoped I would get some apology or closure because he would reflect on how he treated me. It hurts to not get that. sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 11:53

He is actually in lock down with the OW and their daughter. I snooped and saw some photos on her instagram (have since blocked her.) That makes me even angrier. She looks happy in every photo!

OP posts:

suggestionsplease1 · 02/04/2020 11:55

I would hope he would too ashamed of what he's done to get back in touch with you, OP. He sounds like a bit of a coward and he should rightfully expect a withering response from you if he tried to reach out. He probably knows that and can't face it.

Sparklfairy · 02/04/2020 11:56

I get it OP. I reached out to mine (we were close up until a month ago). Asked how his family were. Got a reply back that he was worried about family abroad and elderly grandparents. I wrote back the same, I have concerns and am worried.

I got blanked. Even me wishing him happy birthday the other day was ignored. It was upsetting but I realise now that he uses people and won't give anything back. This pandemic has showed people for what they really are and I think it's important to listen to that.

Scott72 · 02/04/2020 11:57

It seems you're a bit bored OP and are craving a bit of drama. That's all this would bring, a brief burst of drama and resentment. No closure though probably.

GCAcademic · 02/04/2020 11:57

I wouldn't want to hear from an ex. It's bad enough being in the midst of a pandemic. No need to make the situation even worse.

Fatted · 02/04/2020 11:57

You want to be glad he hasn't OP!! It sounds like you are better off without him.

But it sounds like it's more about you than him. It seems you're not over this relationship at all and you're secretly hoping he's still got feelings for you. If he's got another woman pregnant, his priority is and should be with them now. As painful and hurtful as that is to admit.

You are better off alone OP, more so now than ever. You don't have to carry this waste of space in this difficult time.

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 11:59

@suggestionsplease1 thank you for your response. When he told me about the baby, he was begging for us to remain friends and at that point I wanted to because I hadn't really put together all the information about the cheating (I was in shock.) When I took some space and put it all together (plus heard from the OW) I wasn't sure how to proceed. Part of me wanted to be friends and still does (not sure if that comes from a place of low self-esteem.)

I just hoped he would be big enough to face the consequences of reaching out and show me some kindness at this time. I know I need to let it go, but not really sure how.

It helps to think he might be too ashamed, rather than that he just doesn't give a damn about me, but I do sometimes think he probably doesn't care about me at all.

OP posts:

Oldhaggard · 02/04/2020 11:59

I've had one 'reach out' if you can call it that. So concerned about mine and my daughter's health that he wanted me to go round for a shag, because he's 'lonely'.
Funnily enough he hasn't been back in touch since I told him to do one.
Did confirm why he's an ex though.

mocktail · 02/04/2020 12:01

He was not your best friend. He was cheating on you throughout your relationship.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly but really you don't need any contact from this man. Block him, delete him, forget him.

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 12:01

@Fatted. I am definitely not over the relationship. We were making plans to move in together and start our own family and I literally discovered the news overnight which has thrown my life upside down. I honestly don't know what to do with myself/my life now, when I had all these plans now dashed.

OP posts:

Imstillskanking · 02/04/2020 12:02

Firstly, people always look happy on Instagram. They wouldn't post the photos if they didn't. It's all filters and bullshit, so don't worry about it and stop looking!

Secondly, he sounds like a total shit. Not the sort of man who would be caring enough to reach out to an ex to check if they were ok. You can do so much better.

Thirdly, none of my exes have reached out to check on me either. So can I join the pity party?

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 12:02

@Sparklfairy I am so sorry. I have avoided reaching out because I cannot stand the thought of being rejected or dismissed or treated coldly, and yet I miss the person that I thought he was and the life we could have had together. I'm finding it hard to let go of what I hoped was going to happen and to accept the reality of what is.

OP posts:

Original poster

RitaSkeeterxXx · 02/04/2020 12:05

@Imstillskanking thank you so much for your reply. I'm not sure what it was about what you said, but it made me feel hopeful. You can certainly join this pity party! I'll bring some pizza to add to the cake and red wine!

Thank you for the reminder that social media can be a load of bullcrap. I know that he was absolutely vile to her and abandoned her when he discovered she was pregnant, only to come back around now once he saw that his daughter favoured him physically. So I know in the long run he will probably be a shit partner. But when I saw the smiling faces, I thought, that woman is living the life I was supposed to have.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 02/04/2020 12:07

No exes have crept out the woodwork here OP so it isn't always the case.

I know times are difficult, even more so if you are dealing with a recent break up but don't snoop and try very hard not to dwell on it now.

Sorry OP. I know it's tough, I also went through a recent break up so I know it's not easy.

Imstillskanking · 02/04/2020 12:11

Wow, this guy just gets better and better...

This is a hard time to be going through this because social media has essentially replaced our real lives. Is it possible to block her and him from all platforms you use? Remove the temptation.

If living with that prick and wondering whether he's cheating every time he leaves her sight is the life that you were supposed to have then I'd say she's welcome to it! Frees up some room for you to make new and better plans that don't involve a cheating rat. I'd say you have come out on top OP.

Woohoo! Pity party! Crank up the music

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/04/2020 12:14

I know that he was absolutely vile to her and abandoned her when he discovered she was pregnant, only to come back around now once he saw that his daughter favoured him physically.

Wow, what a Grade A fuck nugget. You are most definitely better off without him and sadly the OW is yet to discover this.

None of my exes have messaged me either, so it's not a majority thing, I think!

mummmy2017 · 02/04/2020 12:22

There are a lot of really funny Facebook video's about fake Instagram posts.
One is a guy posting his new house, car and office. He was the PA
One was a lady posting an engagement ring. Taken in shop.
Going out dressed up, to empty the bins.
Even her fella was shoes and stuffed trousers, you never saw his top half.
Her shopping was only the carrier bags from posh shops., Never any goods.

LilyRose88 · 02/04/2020 12:22

None of my exes have messaged me either, and initially I felt a bit sad, and then I realised that they were exes for a reason and I was glad not to have heard from them.

Your ex sounds like a real loser and I am so sorry that he hurt you so badly. It does take time to get over a relationship breakup and yours sounds particularly traumatic.

MashedSpud · 02/04/2020 12:28

Thank fuck my exH hasn’t contacted me but why would he? I haven’t given him a thought either until this thread and we have two grown up dc together.

Cissyandflora · 02/04/2020 12:56

OP- no one has reached out to me either.
Although I’m in more contact with a few friends who I now see as really important in my life.
Instagram is always going to look shiny. Don’t worry about that.
I do know what you mean though. My sons father has not ever kept in touch with us. I know he lives just a few miles away. I did wonder if he thinks of us now but realise that no, he will be thinking just of himself.
It’s a very strange time OP. Take care. You will find a better man. This one doesn’t deserve your friendship. Be strong.

Rainbowshine · 02/04/2020 13:02

I know his behaviour shows he was a selfish even sociopathic person

Why would you even want someone like that to contact you? They’d only be after something from you that suited them and wasn’t in your interests.

Try not to dwell on the fantasy version of a relationship with him. Also on the fantasy theme, Instagram etc is not real. It’s the edited highlights that have been touched up and deliberately presented to create the illusion of perfection. No one has a perfect life, that’s just not real.

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