Finding Mr Positivity positively irritating

[TheLibrarianStoleMyBanana]

Hello all need a reality check please if anyone is willing?

I am suffering from depression and having a bit of a tough time at the minute (who isn't?) and I have been seeing a guy over the last couple of months.

One of the qualities that initially I really liked about him was his positivity, he's cheery and upbeat and tries to see the best in a situation - great! Really nice to be around a happy person!

Only recently I've been getting increasingly irritated by his 100% positive outlook on everything, mainly when I am trying to discuss something that I'm finding difficult or worrisome in my life.
I have mentioned to him before that sometimes it's hard that he is so positive about things because I don't always see it in as positive a light.

Something came up recently that he really doesn't understand and before I had a chance to explain the sad circumstances behind it he was being Mr Positive about it.
I got a bit frustrated and tried to explain how it's hard to chat to him about things sometimes when all he sees is the happy and I sometimes need to talk about what is stressing me out/worrying me etc. We ended up having a bit of a falling out and think that's the end of it really.

I think I feel like Ms Negativity in comparison and worry that I am taking the wind out of his sails when I respond "Yes that is lovely... but..." because for me the reality is far more complex.

He doesn't ask how I feel about situations just always assumes the best and although I'm sure he's just being his happy self or trying to make me feel better about stuff, in some cases he's making me feel worse somehow? Like he is dismissing my concerns but with positivity? He never commiserates or says anything like "Oh that must be really difficult just now" before going into the everything is fine and wonderful positives. I'm finding the never considering any of the not so positive aspects getting a bit annoying.

Am I being ridiculous really here?

I like positive people. I generally enjoy having a positive person around. However, you say He doesn't ask how I feel about situations and that’s not being positive - it sounds like he’s quite self-absorbed. You need validation and he doesn’t want his lovely positive fantasy world disturbed. I would find that deeply frustrating to the extent that I wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship beyond a few months.

The 2 of you are incompatible. That's it really.

People never change. He won't, and neither will you.

My Mr. Positivity hasn't changed in 39 years....sometimes I feel like strangling his Mr.Positivity self!
The positivity is not at all validating of the other person's feelings....believe me, I'm living it

I don’t know sometimes they balance each other out. In laws both negative which is actually a bad match. They both should have married someone jollier then they would have been ok. As it is they are doom mongerers and very dull. After 40 mins in their company any good mood is gone.

Flower arranger, yes thank you I had already come to that conclusion and we split up.

Now I am wondering if basically I'm just a big downer and there's nothing wrong with how he was acting

Wow yes I had a friend like this. Whatever I said she'd be immediately in there with a positive spin, regardless of how I was feeling. It was like there's no room for the full range of emotions. She was actually on ADs and I wondered if that was a factor? In the end it got very irritating and I felt like I couldn't be myself.

So I think you did the right thing to split up. People like this can be a PITA. I'm all for a bit of positivity but life contains a range of emotions and all of them are fine as long as we don't get stuck in one imo

Your OP is reminding me of the character Alec Baldwin played in Friends.

Became intensely irritating after a while.

Thanks, this makes me feel a bit better! Really thought I was being idiotic by getting so upset by this.
Definitely did the right thing splitting

@Sissymate2 does your DH understand that sometimes his positivity is unhelpful?

I used to work with women with depression and this came up almost every time. Generally our partners want to 'fix' our problems, it's a natural reaction. You need to explain to him- 'I want you to listen, not try and solve things, or cheer me up, just listen'. My husband is a fixer but he gets it now and he changed how he listens.

He can be Mr Positive and a bit of a wanker at the same time you know.

woolylizard, I did try to explain that if he would maybe ask how i'm feeling about situations - especially knowing my circumstances - it would go a long way but he never took it on board and just said "I don't think I'm hard to talk to, it's a choice to view things in either a positive or negative light" which I guess is true in a way for the most part but still as PP said there is a full range of emotions in life and it's ok to have the negative ones, especially in negative circumstances.

it's ok to have the negative emotions, especially in negative circumstances

Of course! And I totally get how irritating he was. But forever focusing on drawbacks, seeing everything in a negative light, believing the glass is always half empty... It's not healthy.

I found this book helpful in combating negative thoughts:
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P Seligman

Fine if that's what OP wants but maybe she's fine as she is. I don't think I'm a 'negative person' but nor would I want to get rid of what could be called 'negative' emotions or try to be optimistic all the time. All emotions have their uses and are telling us things. It's good to tolerate and accept one's anger/despair/grief etc

Sometimes you need somebody to say 'Yes, this is fucking shit, isn't it?'.

And then the positivity can come back.

Flower, I am not really a negative person myself.
I am actually quite upbeat and happy normally.
I have had a bad set of circumstances recently and it is situational depression I am struggling with.

He just is irritatingly unwavering from his positive mind set. It's like he doesn't want to ever feel anything that isn't lovely positivity - I'm sure we all wish for that but sometimes life requires that you deal with a shit situation or two.

Got a parking fine you can't pay because money is so so so tight just now? Never mind it's fine and will magically resolve itself if you don't worry!

Got a family member who is going through really awful things? No worries, she'll be fine! Who cares what has happened in the past, life is wonderful can she not see that?

A dilemma? It'll work itself out!

A concern? But why? Life is fabulous darling!

Anger at unfair or cruel treatment? Anger is unhelpful to your soul, just let it all go!

(I am paraphrasing and taking the piss a little with ^ but that's the sort of attitude I felt was coming from him)

I find that supremely unhelpful and frankly a bit self absorbed as someone upthread said. He couldn't see that anythingwould worry me, didn't understand the consequences attached to any 'negative' thing happening in my life and didn't really seem to care.

So I'm not focusing on negatives and not being practical about it, I'm not trying to wallow in negativity.

I just would like to have some acknowledgement that actually sometimes stuff is hard and some things don't always work out fantastically no matter how positive a mindset you keep.

MitziK

Yes! So much that!!

I think there are some people who cannot grasp that you may just want to let it out and have time to talk out loud about your feelings without them rushing in to say there there it’ll be ok. Which is annoying and would indicate incompatibility.

Then you can get someone not acknowledging your feelings have legitimacy and allowing you to feel like that as it interferes with what they want and you’re “not allowed” to interfere with their wishes. That’s a selfish arsehole and you’re better off without them.

It’s not clear which one you think this man is closer to out of the two but either way it’s sounding like the best thing was to part company.

Also I agree with Jenganinja, I think that the "negative" emotions are there for a reason too.

I think that's ok, I'm not perfect but I'm not a doom monger (love that phrase btw) and I'm quite happy to be firmly in the middle of the road in so far as all emotions are acceptable and there for a reason.

Oh God he sounds a bit bloody much. I would like to be more positive - in fact am off to look for that book recommended above - but I definitely don't want to go that far! He's enough to make you feel worse about a situation, not better!

@TheLibrarianStoleMyBanana
That's a good question...I don't think I've ever asked him if he thinks it is being helpful..but I sure will the next time the situation arises. Another thing that gets a little irritating is in the morning when I'm leaving, he'll say, "Have a fun day today " and then when I get home it's, "Did you have a fun day today?" It's irritating because, no not everything is always fun. Why do I have to have a fun day? I'd like to just have a normal day, thank you very much😂
Once when we had an earthquake that affected a big chunk of the city, he said "oh, how exciting !" ....not very exciting for the poor people whose roof fell on their heads...I'd have to describe that as " terrifying!
I like what someone upthread said about the positivity not allowing for a range of emotions...that's it exactly!
Also, Mr. Positivity can't handle the situation if there are things that can be done to improve the situation since he thinks " things are just lovely all the time"

Have you heard of Toxic Positivity?

I was the 'positive' person in my last relationship. I tried affirming his right to be miserable, but it just made him worse. If I agreed that, yes, his job was shit, he'd take it as a licence to rant for hours about how incompetent everyone else was and how they never lifted a finger....and on and on until I wanted to just scream 'so get a different job!'.

He could, and did, see the negative in absolutely everything. And I stopped having sympathy. Stopped affirming his negativity. I became so Pollyannaish that I made myself sick. But it was the only way I could cope with him Eeyore-ing his way through life.

He couldn't see it. He was 'realistic' apparently.

@TestBank
No, I haven't, but I'm going to look into it.
My DH is actually very loving and treats me very well. I think if I were to choose a personality trait in a husband again, it would be another Mr
Positivity instead of a Mr. Negativity , but I would stick up for my right to Express my feelings in the very beginning instead of burying them. I am at fault here, also, for not speaking up 39 years ago. We could have talked through the situations and how sometimes his Positivity made me want to put a pillow over his head. I was young and didn't really know myself....I grew up in a home where my mother was Mrs. Positivity, so I had been brought up to bury any negative feelings. I can remember being told when I was sad, " oh, don't feel that way!" Can you imagine telling a child that?

Op he is who he is and you are who you are, you were just incompatible.

Looking to blame him or yourself is pointless.