Help me break this ridiculous crush please!

[user556677]

I’m 38, married, 2 kids. Dh is ok, we get along well but there were some issues during our early days together that I still carry some resentment. Also DH isn’t affectionate and he struggles with empathy. He has always been like this, had some counselling a few years ago and he is a bit better now. I have to remind him to show some empathy at times. Sex life is not great, may be once a month. My age or whatever, my sex drive has shot up like crazy and I’m helping myself sometimes.

We are friends with a couple who we know for nearly 10years. We used to meet often, dinners, coffees, helping each other with childcare etc. I was super busy back then, managing a busy career and 2 young kids. I had a small on and off crush on this friend but it wasn’t bothering me much. Later they moved away to live closer to his parents (30 miles) and so we don’t meet that often now. I thought that should sort it out, but no!!! I’m thinking of him all the time!!!

I sometimes help them with their accounts (I’m an accountant). The other day he said he can come over to my place after I drop the kids off for some accounting issue he needs help with (this was before Covid ) My heart skipped a beat! I made some lame excuse and managed to help him via internet but I was THIS CLOSE to saying yes. He may not have any other intentions, but if he did and if he initiated something, I couldn’t have stopped him with feelings of this intensity for him. His wife is my friend, I know his kids, I can never do it. Absolutely never. if I did, I can never forgive myself. My problem is, I cannot stop thinking of him. I have a feeling he too has it for me, that's perhaps making it harder to break.

Earlier, the crush madness was only during ovulation, Other times I was fine. so I told myself it’s all just hormones. Now I’m thinking of him all the time. I’m in my own beautiful imaginary world, day dreaming about him. He isn’t very good looking, he doesn’t charm with words, I bloody don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m not a teenager, I’m 38!

Please help me break this ridiculous obsession!

Bumping

I split up with my ex a couple of years ago. I had been unhappy for a long time and used to get ridiculous crushes on ridiculous people right up until we broke up. It was more about me being unhappy than actually wanting to be with anyone else.
Whatever the reason for yours is, if you really don't think you could control yourself with him, you need to stay completely away from him. Work on your relationship and you may find these feelings dissipate.

Stay away from him. It is the ony way.

I’m no where near him. It’s been months since we met. That didn’t change anything.

I hear you OP. I developed a crush on someone whilst I was pregnant, which I know was hormones. He was cheerful, a bit flirty and very nice to me, basically what my husband wasn't being.

The only way I got over it was to rationalise it as in real life it wasn't something I'd have wanted to happen. I think every time your mind goes there think about the actual reality... Your kids, his kids, your friend, your husband. You just have to train your brain to do that association.

And yes don't see him, silver lining of covid for you. Don't contact him either.

It will eventually fade but I'm afraid it is symptomativ of things not being right in your relationship. It's not right in mine either.

I’ve started exercising and losing weight too. I’m only about a stone over my ideal weight range, it never bothered me before. It’s bothering me now! I’m eating sensibly, looking after myself, exercising - while being totally lost all day thinking of him. Why can’t I break this and find something more meaningful to focus on? I feel so stupid !

@Noconceptofnormal we’ve been very close family friends for years. They call us often, WhatsApp etc. Having a crush on someone for 4 years is madness. I don’t even understand how I let it get this far! My raging libido isn’t helping either.
How to kill my libido? That’s the centre of this mess I think.

We're moving this over to relationships for you now, OP.

Thank you

Bumping for more responses.

Cut off all communication, discreetly. Not with his partner but with him.
Find an excuse.

You have to stop it because it's not just you. It's your kids, your husband, you, him, his wife and their children.

It is not about him. It is probably about the resentment.
Get counselling, please.

Thanks Mike. How can it not be about him? I have never felt this way about anyone else. Although my libido has shot up 100x in the recent months, I don’t think about anyone else. There are plenty of good looking guys I work with, a couple of guys in my gym class are super hot, I am not attracted to them the way I’m attracted to him. WHY HIM?

I tried to cut contact with all of them over something very trivial. We patched up before they moved. Weird thing is, we don’t talk much. He never calls me directly unless it’s something to do with accounts. I talk to his wife. I started deeply missing him and longing for his company after they moved. I just want to go away on a holiday with him. Crazy right? If he asks me to a hotel directly, I think I’ll go. I can’t believe I’m saying this. I don’t understand what’s gotten into me. I probably need counselling. Can’t get it now as DH and I both are working from home.

Counselling may help but you've just got to be strict on yourself, there's no way you can have any kind of relationship with him without letting off a nuclear bomb in everyone's lives.

There's obviously some kind of chemistry with him even if it's not obvious things like his looks or his way with words, but unless you want a divorce, let it go. We all have crushes, sometimes very intense ones that take over our minds but you have to be tough mentally and keep it in it's box IF that's truly what you want to do. You have to be honest with yourself.

Absolutely no intention of acting on it myself. I don’t want to break my family or his family. Both the families matter to me. I will never initiate anything and I will never be alone with him. I really hope all this “chemistry” is just my imagination and there is nothing from him. If he starts anything, I know I’m on a slippery slope. I know it.

I think I need medication to control my raging libido. Weirdly, I’m not bothering DH for sex. Why do I have such strong sexual feelings only for this particular guy???

Oh its hormones and hes a safe crush, one you will never go near.... I had this crush on my boss till i saw him in a suit... killed it dead. Dont worry in the cold light of day it will never happen.

I love these weird crushes honestly me and my mates have has all sorts of wassap chats about weird crushes, one of my mates went through a news reader phase.... apparently there is some very sexy Amazon delivery guy here too.... not seen him yet. My neighbour over the road was ranking our builders out of 10 the other day. It just happens. ( i think we need to get out more)

It must be totally annoying and perplexing for men going through there big hormonal surge at 18 and then us totally un-timed in our late 30s....

This sounds a bit like limerence, OP.

I don't know why OP, but I'd bet that it isn't him.

He is dangerously attractive, because you can't have him. He might be drop-dead gorgeous or he might not be, but he is there and all your senses have focussed on him.
It will be an unholy mess if anything happens, and that makes it so tempting.

I can think of a situation that was similar, and everyone involved got hurt. Basically, it f**ked up 3 peoples' lives.

I'm not in any way qualified to advise, just a middle-aged mum who's seen a fair bit of life. You need to talk to someone who can help you find out why you are doing it to yourself.

It is in your head, it is not real.

“It is in your head, it is not real.”

I really needed to hear this. I’m deeply embarrassed and ashamed to be in this mess.

@FenellaVelour I’ve started reading about this term. Limerence. Sounds like it. Do you know what’s the best way to break it? Will cutting contact work?

@user556677, hugs.

You need to cut contact. Block him on e-mail, phone and SC.

Tough, but you need to do it. Maybe text his DP/DW to say you won't be doing accounts because of CV.

Please get someone who can listen to you objectively. For the sake of your MH. Don't ask a relative or friend, they will either dismiss or encourage.

I really think there is something else causing it.

SM not SC. FB, IG, Whatsapp... the lot.

Yes, you need to cut contact. Remove the temptation. It will pass.

I feel a bit better today. Perhaps because I spoke about this here. I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone in real life until now.

We have one last planned session today to finalise accounts. I don’t do their accounts on a regular basis. Their accountant is unwell and there are deadlines to meet so I’m helping. Should I cancel this one? May be I should just finish it, so I won’t leave them in the lurch and stressed out.

@MikeUniformMike we are not connected on other social media. Just WhatsApp. It’ll be really odd to block him there. He’ll know it as I’m on some common groups with them. He is not on fb/insta so no problems. I don’t stalk him anywhere. It’s all in my mind/fantasy world.

I'd drop out of the whatsapp group for a bit.