Help me break this ridiculous crush please!

[user556677]

I’m 38, married, 2 kids. Dh is ok, we get along well but there were some issues during our early days together that I still carry some resentment. Also DH isn’t affectionate and he struggles with empathy. He has always been like this, had some counselling a few years ago and he is a bit better now. I have to remind him to show some empathy at times. Sex life is not great, may be once a month. My age or whatever, my sex drive has shot up like crazy and I’m helping myself sometimes.

We are friends with a couple who we know for nearly 10years. We used to meet often, dinners, coffees, helping each other with childcare etc. I was super busy back then, managing a busy career and 2 young kids. I had a small on and off crush on this friend but it wasn’t bothering me much. Later they moved away to live closer to his parents (30 miles) and so we don’t meet that often now. I thought that should sort it out, but no!!! I’m thinking of him all the time!!!

I sometimes help them with their accounts (I’m an accountant). The other day he said he can come over to my place after I drop the kids off for some accounting issue he needs help with (this was before Covid ) My heart skipped a beat! I made some lame excuse and managed to help him via internet but I was THIS CLOSE to saying yes. He may not have any other intentions, but if he did and if he initiated something, I couldn’t have stopped him with feelings of this intensity for him. His wife is my friend, I know his kids, I can never do it. Absolutely never. if I did, I can never forgive myself. My problem is, I cannot stop thinking of him. I have a feeling he too has it for me, that's perhaps making it harder to break.

Earlier, the crush madness was only during ovulation, Other times I was fine. so I told myself it’s all just hormones. Now I’m thinking of him all the time. I’m in my own beautiful imaginary world, day dreaming about him. He isn’t very good looking, he doesn’t charm with words, I bloody don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m not a teenager, I’m 38!

Please help me break this ridiculous obsession!

As your body clock slows down, it can throw out all kinds of crushes. Almost like your body is looking for a last mate to have a final baby with. It’s weird but it will pass.

All the work done and closed last night. He tried to chat after we finished (out of politeness, but my mind is interpreting it differently. I wanted to pour a glass of wine and chat away on video). I ended it pretty quickly saying I was really sleepy. No video, so I didn’t see him. Just screen sharing for finishing the work.
Will you believe me, I showered and wore nice pyjamas (the nicer kind) incase he sees me. But I think I did well by not seeing him and keeping it to work. His voice still talks to me, telling me a lot (that I want to hear).
I have deleted him and his wife from WhatsApp and exited our common groups. Some common friends asked why (exiting groups), I just told them Covid situation is stressing me out and I’m taking a break from WhatsApp and all SM. It’s heartbreaking to destroy the beautiful imaginary life I was living with him. To not wake up in his arms each morning, to not fall asleep in his arms. With him - Without him - Weird. I feel sad.but I hope I’ll start live normally and heal.
I think this is Limerence. 8/10 symptoms.

Does anyone know how long before I “forget” him? Will I ever be able to see him like a friend as before?

I have no idea. well done btw.

A rule of thumb for getting over a relationship is one month for every year, but as it wasn't a relationship, it might be different.
Now you have some breathing space, look into counselling. It might be worth having a chat with your GP in case you have a health condition. Sorry, that sounds rude, and I don't mean it to be.

I had to look up limerence but it does sound that it could be.

Yes, there will come a point when you see him as a friend, you'll probably think WTF was I thinking.

Why don't you have a think about what this man is like and might represent that you're missing? Is he funny? Does he pay you attention? Is he quite manly? It's not that you'll solve it, just might be a part of something you're missing.
Second, work on channeling this new going body and sex drive towards your husband! For all you know, some wife somewhere might be crazy for him! It could really revamp your relationship.

I think you need to catch yourself when you start day dreaming about him. Make an actual effort not to indulge in fantasies about him. Do not allow it to continue in your head. If you find yourself starting to think about him, you need to distract yourself, work, book, TV program, Google etc etc. Think about something else.

It will be hard to do this, it will take a real effort, but if you don't you will never get over it.