Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is obsessed with her new friend

31 replies

Lauraa1992 · 01/04/2020 18:10

Can everyone please give me there opinions on what they'd do with my marriage problem.

So the back story is we met in 2016, got married in 2018 because we wanted to start a family and as a lesbian couple we can only both go on the birth certificate if we are married if we were to use a private donor.

My wife is very into dancing so she spends 6 months of each year at dance competitions on weekends, I've never had a problem with this, it's her hobby shes done it all her life and that's her thing.

However less than 18 months into our marriage my wife came home and told me her and her friends had been discussing how good looking another girl was (fair enough she was honest about it) however it then became a problem because my wife started messaging this girl constantly, day and night even when we were lying in bed together at night she would be on her phone texting. When I picked her up on this behaviour she then started to become secretive about messaging her and accusing me of being controlling and jealous.
I asked my wife if she would back off from this "new friend" as it was causing problems in our relationship, I give her valid reasons why her behaviour was concerning me, but she told me they were just good friends and they had a very good connection and she couldnt and wouldnt pick between me her wife and this new friend.

Things escalated quickly with the screcy and we got into a fight and I basically told her I wanted her out as she wouldnt back off from this new friend to save our marriage. She seemed quite happy to up and leave and ive been left absolutely broken because I thought I'd married my soul mate.

4 weeks after she left shes been in touch asking if I think we'll ever move on because she's lonely and saying we probably made a too hasty decision of breaking up. Shes tried to apologise for her flirty nature and said she just has a flirty personality but she isn't like this with everyone...

I've told my wife I think she has an obsessive personality because I've noticed a pattern starting to occur, she obsessively text me when we first met now I feel shes turned that attention to her new friend, but she cant understand why I'm concerned about this.

shes still in constant contact with this other girl and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again because there has been too many lies and screcy and i won't be second best to her friend. Do you think people can change? And whether trust can be rebuilt?

What would you all have done in my position? Any questions welcome xx

OP posts:
rumred · 01/04/2020 18:13

People can only change if they want to and take steps in that direction. Otherwise it's same old same old.
She sounds disrespectful of you and not committed to her marriage. I'd get rid and move on if it was me. Flirts are tedious. And from the sounds of it she's doing more than flirting with this woman

Cheeryandmerry · 01/04/2020 18:17

I don’t know if you could rebuild the trust here. For me, I think I’d just be waiting for the next time. The next obsession or crush or whatever this is. I’m so sorry, this must be very hard for you. It sounds to me as if you gave her a reasonable choice and she chose her freedom over her life with you Sad.

Dawninglory · 01/04/2020 18:18

Is this other woman also a lesbian? Would she be interested in a relationship with your wife?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/04/2020 18:48

That is not appropriate behaviour and you should stick to your guns. I'm also in a same sex marriage and sometimes the lines can become blurred between friendship with other women and flirtiness but the fact that you expressed your upset about what she was doing and that then the texting became secretive tells you everything. If she had truly cared about your feelings or had been scared she was going to lose you she would have reigned it in.
It's also quite possible that this other girl is not interested in a relationship with your wife because she's straight (I'm assuming so) but is enjoying the attention - I've seen that a few times myself.

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/04/2020 19:19

My advice (I'm also in same-sex marriage) is to draw a line and move on, and under no circumstances let your wife come back into your life as your partner. Sounds like it didn't work out to have a relationship with the "friend" and you are her fall-back. You deserve better than being someone's default option. Good luck.

Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 01/04/2020 19:25

Yes apparently the other woman is "straight" in a relationship with children but by the looks of it her relationship is very unstable so clearly doesnt care that she's also wrecking her friends relationship in the process.
My wife does like a lot of attention and this woman is obviously giving her the attention she wants.
In the beginning I was worried that it was in my head because of it being a lesbian relationship and a female friend getting between us but i think i would have felt the same way if it would have been a Male xx

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 01/04/2020 19:48

It sounds like she is narcissistically triangulating with you and this other woman.

Don’t allow her to keep playing with your feelings.

You deserve better.

otterhound · 01/04/2020 21:20

She has lost her safety blanket (you) and wants back in so she can lick her wounds

she probably needs someone who’d agree to an open relationship (but then Wouldn’t cope with the jealousy)

BumbleBeee69 · 01/04/2020 21:39

I basically told her I wanted her out as she wouldn't back off from this new friend to save our marriage.

You made her choose....

She chose not to save the marriage...

Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 01/04/2020 23:05

@BumbleBeee69 I know it's probably not right to make someone choose but it was the last straw and she basically proved to me xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 01/04/2020 23:11

@otterhound I think her probably was she didnt think I would ever put my foot down and say enough is enough and I think this lockdown has now knocked her for six xx

OP posts:
Cherrygirl3 · 01/04/2020 23:32

In these difficult times I think there will be many who reach out to ex partners, as they are seeking comfort in familiarity. The danger is, when things go back to normal, will those people seek their freedom again.

springydaff · 01/04/2020 23:42

She's treated you very badly. It's all about her.

You did the right thing. Don't go back. I don't think she will ever change, she's only calling you because she's 'lonely'. Fucksake!

Sorry op Flowers

Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 01/04/2020 23:54

@Cherrygirl3 @springydaff I agree this is definitely the wrong time if she thinks she can rekindle anything, like you say shes lonely, shes on her own and she will want to go back to playing the single life as soon as it's back to normal xx

OP posts:
Cherrygirl3 · 02/04/2020 00:06

Stay strong OP, she's made her bed, she will have to lie on it. You will eventually move on and find someone who will respect you, as you deserve. Flowers

LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 02:58

I’m sorry to have to say this, but it sounds to me like you two got married for the wrong reason in the first place. A marriage shouldn’t be based on practicalities like whose name can be on a potential child’s birth certificate. Also, she put your marriage last behind a brand new friend. Yes trust sometimes can be rebuilt, but for me, not in that circumstance.

Coyoacan · 02/04/2020 04:39

From what I can see she didn't say sorry and she put it down to her nature, with which she means that you have no right to ask her to change.

LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 05:55

I also think it’s maybe natural but unfair of you to blame the friend OP. She likely hadn’t a clue the dynamic her new friendship was causing in your relationship and in all probability would never have seen that coming. As a heterosexual woman it’ll be the furthest thing from her mind.

Limpshade · 02/04/2020 06:52

She's still in constant contact with this other girl and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again

You've answered your own question here. You cannot trust her as things stand and she has no intention of changing things.

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2020 06:59

Trust can be rebuilt if both parties are willing to let the past lie and the guilty party wants to accept responsibility and change.

Your wife has dismissed your concerns as being her flirty personality which conveniently opens up the possibility of her claiming "you're trying to change me... Why can't you love me for me ... You know I have always been flirty" in the future because she can spin your reasonable challenges of her behaviour as personal criticism of her as a person.

She made her choice and I'm not sure the relationship can be saved.

RiverCrossing · 02/04/2020 10:43

Do you know what the content of the messages was actually like? What’s she usually like with friends - does she have close ones or is this completely out of character?

BertiesLanding · 02/04/2020 11:18

It sounds like she is narcissistically triangulating with you and this other woman.

I think @lexiepuppy has it. I really wouldn't be tolerating this.

Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 02/04/2020 11:42

@RiverCrossing no I don't know the contents of the messages, I never looked at her phone, I asked occasionally if I could but she wouldnt let me. My wife has a lot of friends but the amount of texting to this certain friend was definitely out of character.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauraa1992 · 02/04/2020 11:51

@LouiseCollina I know I shouldnt blame the friend but its definitely hard not too, she did know she was partly to blame for some of our arguments because when I asked my wife to back off she showed me the reply from her friend that basically said Im sorry I didnt realise, laura seems like a lovely girl and i dont want to get in to way. However still nothing changed and she occasional tagged my wife in cryptic posts on facebook and when i asked my wife what she meant she always said she didnt know, which I find hard to believe.

OP posts:
misskick · 02/04/2020 12:01

She sounds like she is reaching out as she is lonely, stay strong and and remember you are worth more than being second best.