Have you been ghosted - and did you ask why?

[ShadowLightning]

I think I’m being ghosted, but suspect it’s too early to say (don’t know yet).

I met someone a few weeks ago with the intention of ‘casual relationship’. I did say I was looking for someone to date, have fun etc (and obviously sex). It pretty much became just sex straight away and it was fine, but he would still always text every day, 2 days max. Texting is always light and sometime sexual when we are arranging a meet up. I wasn’t looking for much more from him but liked the ‘friendly’ casual style. Sex was good and I’d always stay the night.

Last saw him last Mon night, got there just before lockdown introduced. Since then, he’s sent one single, short text (last Weds) and has read and ignored my messages (Fri and again Mon). I thought the night and morning was fine, but he did seem a bit ‘off’ once we were out off bed. But he still offered me a cuppa and I got out of there pretty quickly as he had work.

So I’m pretty sure I’ve been ghosted now, and I don’t know whether to leave it or ask why. It’s my first ever ‘casual’. Might be because no hookup is imminent, but I still think it’s a bit crappy.

Did anyone else ever decide to contact someone who appears to have ghosted them and if you did, did they respond?

I know this is (a miserable) part of dating and especially likely in casual dating, but I kind of wish he was either honest or just blocked me as I’m just confused by it all now and I’m not sure whether I should say something?

Yep.

I guess arguably if you both got into this on the promise of some casual fun then - given that's not now possible under lockdown - why would he be in touch?

Yes, manners seem to have gone out of the window with dating (men and women I suspect but most of us only see one side of that).

I think they 'why' in your situation is fairly obvious. If you're feeling the need to have a conversation about it, maybe ask yourself if you are genuinely ok with casual?

He can't get sex so he doesn't see the point in messaging you.

I wouldn't ask if it were a casual arrangement. I'd just assume they'd changed their mind for some reason and leave it.

I've only had it happen once in a 'relationship'. Was after 5 months. I did get in touch with him, not to ask why (the why is obvious) but to tell him I'd thought better of him. He said I was right and apologised and he just said he'd realised it wasn't what he wanted but couldn't find the words to say it and one day turned into the next and, as it went on, it became harder to say something. So he didn't.

What reason are you hoping to hear?

I guess you are right. It’s the first time I’ve done this casual thing as I’d previously been in a relationship for 12 years (and definitely not ready to move into something serious yet), but it’s actually really draining. I like to know where I stand and perhaps in casuals, it just doesn’t matter.

Funnily enough, I came away last Tuesday morning thinking ‘I like him for fun but definitely couldn’t imagine a future with him’, but a week of no contact and I can’t remember all those little niggly things that were a turn off.

I just want to know for myself - does he imagine us hooking up when we can again. Or is he literally done with it and that’s the end. I like firm answers. I really struggle with uncertainty.

I think it’s fairly obvious his interest has waned now lockdown has put an end to the hookups. I suspect you’ll hear from him again once the restrictions are lifted.

Any reason would be fine - I’m interested in someone else and want to see where it goes; this is only sex and I can’t have sex with you right now, whatever really. Just something would be nice rather than radio silence.

The answer is firm. No sex no relationship.

That’s actually kind of the answer I want - no sex, no relationship if fine - but I want to know that we can continue in the future when things are more settled.

I found the ‘date’ part really difficult, though it was nice. I’m not mad about small talk and I like where we got where the talking is just pillow talk and easy. I don’t want to start it again!

He’s married,l?

Definitely not married. A house share with one other guy who is barely there (never seen but heard coming in late night). Zero feminine touches!

I really don’t cope well with uncertainty and maybe that’s part of parcel with casual. Fuck!

No you don't ask. I was ghosted once by a guy I'd been on about 5 weekly dates with. Last date he took me out for my birthday, lovely meal etc. Last text was 'I'm just going to grab a shower. Speak later'. Think he drowned. I didn't bother to ask why. Silence is the only answer you need and there's no such thing as closure. Also very few men actually do the friend with benefits thing for very long. It's too easy

No asking would just make you lose self respect I think. This is common in casual sex anyway, guys just dropping you and picking you up when they feel like it because to them they don’t “owe” you anything.

A casual relationship is always going to be uncertain I'm afraid. I think he's looking at it as purely sex, he's probably thinking why is she messaging me if we can't meet up for sex?

I've never had casual and this is your first so if I had my first and then got ghosted I'd feel like you too because I'm used to the commitment.

And also with lockdown even if he does get in touch, no sex can happen right now, or dates, just chat and if you get chatting you'd get attached - nothing both of you want.

Yes I have and I've done it too.
No, once someone has ghosted me they get blocked and deleted.
Not that it's happened recently as I'm happily living my single life now.

I was ghosted a couple of months ago by a guy I really liked, thought I had a connection with and had been seeing a good while.

It sucked.

At the time I really wanted to know why he'd disappeared. Was it something I did or said? Was I not attractive enough or had he met someone else? It really does knock your confidence and self esteem.

However, having reflected on things I've realised that it's not me. It's totally all him. What type of person would just vanish from your life with no explanation after months of dating, getting to know them and being intimate? A shit one, that's what!

He's blocked now but I have wondered whether he'd have got in touch with this lockdown etc, and how he's getting on.

I think with your guy, it's no sex = no contact. He probably sees no point of being in contact if he's not getting his end away.

It's up to you how you play it, but if I were in your position I'd be thinking "if you can't even be arsed to message me back, or see how I'm doing during these times then you certainly don't deserve my time when life resumes to normal"

I think you’ll hear from him again when lockdown is over. He just wants sex. It’s pretty rude of him not to even engage in general texts back and forward. I wouldn’t be able to meet him again if he has made it clear you’re just for sex and that’s not what you wanted, even though you didn’t want a full time relationship.

Thanks all. I felt really rubbish about it last night. Before he send pictures on what he was working on, things he’d done around the house, etc. Just general normal chat and now nothing just seems really harsh.

But I think are right. I don’t need to know really. He’s not interested in maintaining any chat when we aren’t having sex (assuming he’s not already moved on to someone else) and that tells me enough. I’m definitely moving more to the angry rather than hurt side of things.

Back to the drawing board then.

Yes I have been ghosted and am now engaged to him! I'd only been seeing him 3 weeks and then went on holiday. He blocked me. I wasn't upset but was disappointed as thought we really hit it off. Fast forward a couple of months and he saw me on POF and msg me. He asked to do facetime and explained. He went back to an ex, thought I was too good for him. I told him how rude it was to block etc and told him to FO! Fast forward another couple of months and he msg me to ask how I was. By this time I'd dated a few blokes and was getting to the point of giving up, so I thought, life is too short, give him a 2nd chance! Yes I had a few trust issues whether he'd do this again but he was always patient and explained that he was glad he went back to his ex as it got her out of his system once and for all. Also, I had to put this in perspective, we'd only dated 3 weeks!
We are in love and in lock-down together atm and it's lovely. It's gonna be strange when this is over and he goes back home.

So, to you, OP, I'd say keep the door open, if that's what will suit you. He may be using this (coronavirus) as an excuse to end things but he may just want to pick up when it's all over.

@triedandtestedteacher ... PMSL at Last text was 'I'm just going to grab a shower. Speak later'. Think he drowned.😂

OP I read this with interest as met a great guy at the very beginning of March, managed 5 dates and a whole load of messaging, spent the Friday before lockdown with him then the whole world went to hell.

We have been messaging every day and spoke on the phone a few times but he has a whole lot of baggage in his life and I can sense we are becoming more like pen pals, the flirting/sex texts have all but stopped.

Before when I had my very busy life I think the balance was him liking me more, now I think he's losing interest without the prospect of my physical presence (not just the sex though that was awesome but we did have fun and laugh a lot on dates too which is hard to replicate on messenger.)

Like you I saw a lot of things in him that made me wary of a relationship (nothing bad, we are just very different), but he was the first guy I slept with in years after a long and awful marriage and I was starting to really like him and hope it was going somewhere. Maybe without this it would have, maybe not, who knows? But these are weird times, and I'm thinking he might disappear,
which will make me really sad actually. I hope I'm being paranoid but ...

Sorry your guy ghosted you and didn't have the manners to at least give you some closure, that really sucks. But you know you are better than that right? He's at fault, not you x

TooOldforthis67 - that's a nice ending to a ghosting story. How long have you been together?

Some advice here www.lianakatarina.com/post/ghosting-1

Don't chase him - if he hasn't bothered to respond to your messages, why on earth (in the nicest possible way) do you think he would bother to give you an explanation??
Leave him be he's really not worth another thought.

Could he have a girlfriend? That's why I got ghosted. Would fit in with him not texting during lockdown too