Have you been ghosted - and did you ask why?

[ShadowLightning]

I think I’m being ghosted, but suspect it’s too early to say (don’t know yet).

I met someone a few weeks ago with the intention of ‘casual relationship’. I did say I was looking for someone to date, have fun etc (and obviously sex). It pretty much became just sex straight away and it was fine, but he would still always text every day, 2 days max. Texting is always light and sometime sexual when we are arranging a meet up. I wasn’t looking for much more from him but liked the ‘friendly’ casual style. Sex was good and I’d always stay the night.

Last saw him last Mon night, got there just before lockdown introduced. Since then, he’s sent one single, short text (last Weds) and has read and ignored my messages (Fri and again Mon). I thought the night and morning was fine, but he did seem a bit ‘off’ once we were out off bed. But he still offered me a cuppa and I got out of there pretty quickly as he had work.

So I’m pretty sure I’ve been ghosted now, and I don’t know whether to leave it or ask why. It’s my first ever ‘casual’. Might be because no hookup is imminent, but I still think it’s a bit crappy.

Did anyone else ever decide to contact someone who appears to have ghosted them and if you did, did they respond?

I know this is (a miserable) part of dating and especially likely in casual dating, but I kind of wish he was either honest or just blocked me as I’m just confused by it all now and I’m not sure whether I should say something?

It’s very rude of him not to reply to messages and do you really want to have anything further to do with a rude person? I would delete his number and chat immediately so as not to be tempted to contact him again. There’s no sense asking for a reason, you’ll only feel worse: he’ll either not reply, or he’ll lie, or he’ll give you the real reason - which you may not want to hear. Move on. And maybe accept you don’t want casual.

No, I don’t think girlfriend. Very open social media, no woman in sight. I do think it’s probable he’s just found someone else to text (maybe even meet) during this.

We talked about ghosting one evening actually as I was talking about my friend who had it happened to her. His stance was that it’s a shit thing to do and decent people just give an explanation. Ha, the irony. I’m betting he doesn’t even think this is ghosting.

But yes, I agree. Let it go and don’t ask. I had another really bad day today, but it’s more to do with my current situation (living with ex who was due to move at the end of the month and being stuck together - hence why just looking for casual at the moment). But this is just the shit icing on an already shit cake. I just wanted to have someone to text to keep a sense of normality during a rubbish time.

You can always just go on tinder and find someone to text from there?

I did actually restart my profile on bumble last night. I got a bit ‘swipe happy’ and now have 70 sitting in my swipe queue, but my motivation is very up and down.

I actually saw him again on there. Noted that his ‘location’ was about 10 miles away from where he actually lives. Either family or another woman - but seeing as that was around 10pm and his immediate family live nearby him, I can probably guess which.

I swiped left by the way.

I wouldn't use bumble. Full of lazy men that want women to make all the moves. Use something else and pick from the men that contact you

Yes ghosted before.
Never ever ask why.
Block delete immediately.
I don't think it sounds like casual works for you.

Also agree about bumble - personally think tinder is much more fun.
You sound great BTW - try now to let this get you down

I did try tinder originally but I found the really rubbish ‘hi’ messages too much. I’ve decided to update my profile there and give it another go.

I thought Bumble would give me more control. Though you are right about the laziness - I’ve always seemed to be the one actually asking if he’s free to meet up (though he’s made subtle attempts to tell me he’d like to see me, never just came out and said it).

Thank you again. I’m feeling better and feel like this is less about me now. I’m sorry for all you who have been ghosted. It’s an awful feeling and makes you question everything about yourself.

For days I couldn’t stop wondering whether I did something wrong. Was the sex not good enough? Was he annoyed that I stayed? Was he annoyed that I got up and said I should probably go? Should I have turned down the cuppa and just left? Should I have not been arranging my exit and sat properly and had a proper him? Honestly, I felt like I was going mad for a while.

So time for a go at Tinder and see what that yields. And I think I need to be a lot more explicit about what it is I actually want (though I still feel like I made it clear to begin with).

It's a good chance to just chat to people on Tinder OP with no pressure to meet up. Are you sure you do want casual or do you feel like because of your circumstances that's all you can ask for? I only say that because it seems like you wanted something a bit more from this guy? (or perhaps just decent manners which is fair enough)

I did want more from him, but definitely not a relationship. We have very different lives. I have a child, whereas he’s commitment free with a huge social group and we have very little in common (other than shared teenager stories). But I did want a friendship with him. He seemed really nice and well adjusted and I thought we could get on pretty well. Like a couple of texts a week - nothing particularly taxing I don’t think?

But, I am considering that I’ve misunderstood the basic premise of ‘casual relationship’. I had an idea of someone I can go out of drinks with/ to the cinema with etc and hookup with, but with no exclusivity and no expectation to meet the parents. So maybe casual isn’t for me after all.

Or maybe I was starting to like him more than casual. Though there are faults (they are coming back now!)! He’s never been as ‘groomed’ as his profile pic so it never really matches reality. His bathroom is filthy and I have an overwhelming desire to clean it. I don’t ‘get’ his music tastes and it does all literally sound the same to me. He called me ‘girlie’ once (it’s colloquial, but still!). He has exceptionally large, pointy nipples. And whilst the sex fun, and he definitely tried, he hasn’t been able to give me an orgasm.

I feel better already!

@easterchoc - First dated last March. Got together again in Sept. The engagement was quick I guess but I'm an all or nothing person and no one has ever made me laugh so much as he does. I've even come off my antidepressants and no relapse!

@ShadowLighting - at " He has exceptionally large, pointy nipples."

Delete his number and any messages and forget him. Happened to me. It was only sex but when he went a week without saying a word I messaged and said right I get the message your not interested anymore but would have been nice to let me know. He said some bollocks about an ex getting back in touch. Spineless twat.

thats good thinking about his bad points. This one was a drip, had a son he never paid for, didn't work spent any money he had on his car, lived in his mums spare room, was happy for me to pay for a hotel room then moaned about the bed being hard.

Argh, I caved today and just asked the question. I’m mad at myself for doing it now but unfortunately I can be quite impulsive and just make (bad) snap decisions. He’s not read it. I’m now expecting to remain on unread permanently. I’m not sad anymore though! Just irritated.

I did start speaking to someone else, but I’m getting a suspicion he’s a bit of a creep as he keeps asking me to send messages to my Polish friend to translate (he’s not Polish and is apparently getting it very wrong). The last message apparently translates to ‘show me your boobs’, but poorly. WTF is with these men?

Ugh, this is hard!

Actually it was a joke apparently so I could ask him back and he could send a pic of him showing his boob. It was quite funny. A better conversationalist at the moment than ghoster.

no

that is not funny

Block him

I am going to block him. He’s too intense. He just tried to phone me without any heads up. Eeek! I’ve only been speaking to him for 2 days

Hi op I have been ghosted so many times in the past . I never asked them why tho but if I became single now and it happened I would definitely have to ask them and find out . Even tho he hasn't replied and probably won't for a week or two I would feel a lot better because at least you know where you stand with him. If your still unread tomorrow afternoon Block Him
And don't look
Back x

So I did get a response. Basically along the lines of I’d like to see you, but let’s put a pin in things whilst lockdown is going on.

So yeah, as a lot of you said - no sex, no relationship. I doubt I will ever see him again so I’m deleting him number. I’m glad I did ask though actually. I prefer things to just be clear (he could have sent a message at any point saying something like that).

Thank you for all your input on this. It’s been really cathartic talking it out and I do mostly feel okay. I’m sorry so many of you have been ghosted. It’s a shit feeling because it makes you question everything about yourself.

I’m still going to continue talking to people, even though so far they all seem crazy (I ended up in a conversation with someone else last night who tried - with no warning - to initiate a video chat). This lockdown is really getting to me and I’m desperate for some social interaction!

I don't think you were wrong to ask and it means you can draw a line under it now.
I was ghosted and whilst not massively bothered after a couple of months it irritated me that I had read him wrong as I didn't expect him to do that, so without asking for an explanation I messaged to say it was clear he was not the one for me as I could never respect anyone who treated people like that. Got an apology and some rubbish about life being busy but was glad I pulled him up on it and like you, could draw a line under it and move on. It doesn't make you needy and I will continue to highlight people's shitty behaviour as we should all expect more.

Erm, it's been a few weeks, and it was only ever meant to be casual, and mostly about sex. Yet you are upset he is not texting when there's no sex possible? If casual was your desire, you'd be feeling the same!

Lovely lady, you aren't looking for casual. Best update that dating profile.