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Original poster

I'm totally lost

42 replies

justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:18

I will try to make this short.

I married a Brazilian man in 2010 and we moved to Brazil in 2018. We came here with good savings and the intention to buy a house and no longer pay rent. I wasn't happy to have a mortgage back home and so I thought this would be a good idea.
He comes from a very rural state in Brazil ...almost like Texas in US.
We live in his home town which is extremely small (15000) people. I liked while here on holidays but the reality is starting to hit me hard.
WE bought land and we are in the middle of building a house. He also promised me and my daughter (15) that here he will make a lot more money than in UK and life will be great.
Since we have arrived I have been the only one supporting the family. His family business is going down the drain and he has no income. I am an online teacher and earn well but I am starting to feel very fed up of providing for the whole family in HIS country. (He wasn't happy in UK and so I sacrificed to come here ).
I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel but he says he is doing his best and if I don't like it I can fuck off. Yep...he has started to talk to me like shit . He swears on a regular basis if I say something he doesn't like. I do everything I can to support the family and to build our house practically on my own and every time I try to talk to him about his income and our future he gets angry and says I am pressuring him. I feel unappreciated, unloved and taken advantage of.
With time I have also started having doubts that I made the right decision to come and live here. I miss Europe and family. You don't realise what you have until you lose it as people say.
Now I am in this hole and I don't know what to do. Shall I leave him and go home with my daughter? He is her step father and he adopted her when she was 5. I feel very conflicted and I also feel we rushed to start building a house before we see whether he will have an income here. The walls are up and we have put the roof but it's not even plastered. He will have to sell it and give me my half eventually as he has no income to finish it. It is in both our names.

Am I selfish?

OP posts:
Bananasandchocolatecustard · 01/04/2020 17:20

You tried it, but it doesn’t sound like it’s working out. Sell up and move home. You are being exploited.

Susanna85 · 01/04/2020 17:25

. Shall I leave him and go home with my daughter? He is her step father and he adopted her when she was 5

Yes. Leave. It sounds like a nightmare and as though you are being taken advantage of.
You might be being unrealistic about getting your money back from the house.

However, leave without a discussion first. As your daughter has formally been adopted by him, he has parental rights. Get home, then sort out the details.

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 17:26

Won't you have a problem leaving the country, due to corona virus?

I wouldn't stay with him, but I also wouldn't have had him adopt my child. He has equal legal rights there, OP.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:30

Oh he doesn't care if me and her go home. He will sign any travel authorisation if I ask for one. I already prepared it,

The house is in both our names. He has no money to finish it and he can not sell it without me....he will need my signature.

I have only invested 20 K myself so even if I don't get it back I couldn't care less I think. I am just so unhappy.

OP posts:
Holothane · 01/04/2020 17:33

Get out as soon as this is over, you’ve wasted too much time on him.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:33

While we are building the house I refused to pay rent as why should I pay for that too. We have been living in my mother-law's house since we arrived. Lucky me she is lovely and so far no issues.

I told him that I am going home once this virus is gone. I am saving money now but still paying for all our daily expenses. The construction has stopped and I refuse to continue. I told him to put it for sale

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:34

I want to avoid drama scenes here in front of his family etc and I will just say I am going on holiday to visit family....and I just won't come back

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/04/2020 17:36

Seriously. He’s right op. Why don’t you just fuck off out of it? There is nothing to be gained by staying, it’s only going to get worse, you’re just their cash cow.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:37

I just feel so stressed and anxious thinking that I have to stay here another few months maybe. I am not able to sleep or eat properly. My daughter is 15 and has been very supportive.
Any tips on how to detach myself from the current situation emotionally so I survive another 3, 4 months?

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:38

Bluntness100...I needed that...thank you

OP posts:
OhMyDarling · 01/04/2020 17:40

Leave. As soon as the flights are back on.
You sound so unhappy. You know what you have to do, hope manage to get home soon.x

h0llygolightly · 01/04/2020 17:41

Does he have any family that can put him up until you are able to come home? It might be hard to disconnect whilst still living under the same roof.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:51

He won't go anywhere else. He is in his mum's house and of course he said If this is not ok for me I am free to go. He says like he just doesn't care. He says he is tired of me putting pressure on him and that he hasn't found his feet yet. I just don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I work 7 days a week!

By the way BA is still operating and the Brazilian Latam too. There are flights believe it or not but is it safe to travel now...that is the question

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:55

I think he takes me for granted and doesn't believe I am going to leave him. He thinks because we are building this house and I have invested too much already...I am bluffing.
Yesterday we had another fight and I said I need to go away for a month or 2 ...see family and just rest. Then I see how I feel
It's my dad's 60th birthday at the end of August so anyway I was going to go. So not to make things hard...I will just say I am going for a month and then just not return

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 01/04/2020 17:56

Regardless of whether it is safe to travel or not - where would you live once you went home... that is the difficult bit to organise with all the self isolating bits going on.

Also - once you are back home you won't see a penny of that money, ever, even if he sells it. I'd probably wait it out, try to get him to sell it because buying and doing it up was contingent on him having an income too, and once he has done that, leave.

Unless of course he is violent or abusive, at which point, money is less important.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 17:57

I need a few months to save money too. To go back to UK , I will need money for rent and 1 month's deposit. It's not going to be easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:00

Windinmyhair he will need my signature to sell. And my signature will be given only on condition that half of the money from the sale be sent to my account. We have't finished the damn house. It is only on brick walls and roof. IT hasn't even been plastered yet. There are no windows or doors....nothing...just bricks are up

I have to wait until August....keep saving..then go
Hopefully by then this virus will go away

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 01/04/2020 18:01

Come home.

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:01

I am just going to be miserable until then :(

But at least my daughter is with me

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:02

I will be looking for a property in Kingston Upon Thames or South London. My sister lives there...I only have her

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:04

Since coming here I noticed my credit rating back home has also gone down a lot ....not sure why so that might also make it difficult to rent

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 01/04/2020 18:06

Just leave. Your daughter sounds lovely btw. Don't keep sending money once you're home. He needs to work.

CalleighDoodle · 01/04/2020 18:07

Whats his career that he thought he would earn more in brazil than in uk?

Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:10

My daughter is my rock! She is very mature for her age.

He has no career. In this state they all deal with agriculture and he has a few tractors that work on big farms etc but work has dried up. I think he just doesn't want to face reality.

Yesterday he said : " I am not going back to UK"....WTF it's not like I want to go back with him...I want to go home alone with my child only. I don't think I love him anymore. I feel cheated and lied to

OP posts:
Original poster
justme36 · 01/04/2020 18:12

Plus he is that kind of person where...if he is stressed about something or dealing with a problem he completely shuts me off and there is no intimacy. We have sex like once a month. I am 36 not 70

OP posts:
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