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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do - lost perspective

42 replies

SoaringEagle · 01/04/2020 11:56

Everything here is shit.

DH announced last week that he wouldn't be staying indoors as he has been having an affair since Christmas so he would be going to meet her etc.

We have a 7yo and a 4yo.

Huge upset. We both run our own companies (both employed as directors so no regular govt financial help so far - just the £1000 grant) so huge stress as contracts being cancelled by clients every day.

DH doesn't want to do any childcare as "he doesn't enjoy it".

I presume the equivalent conversation the OW had with her husband went differently as suddenly my DH is saying he plans to stay in the house but says I am entirely unreasonable to say he must stop contact with her while in the house. He has made clear he is only in the house until he can leave once all this is over.

So he's talking to her on the phone all the time. Being a totally shit father. Being aggressive and angry all the time. I wake up in the night as he's on the phone to her.

I want him gone. It'll be hard but I can't cope with him having another relationship right in front of me - in our family home. It just makes me feel absolutely miserable. But I also cannot afford all the house expenses without some financial help from him. It's all a mess.

I can't talk to anyone in real life yet. Everyone's got their own worries and stresses.

Do you think I should just let him stay and suck up the horror? Concentrate on making sure my children get through this.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 01/04/2020 13:16

Holy shit, that's some announcement.

Was there a build up to this? Did you have any idea?

I don't know what to suggest because of the lockdown but I couldn't cope with that, he'd have to go or I'd take the kids and go myself. He's rubbing your face in it and behaving terribly, I'm so sorry for you x

Caselgarcia · 01/04/2020 13:29

Time for you to announce what YOU are going to do during this situation.
No washing for him
No cooking for him.
Tell him to move into spare room or sleep on sofa.
Take back some control. Make life difficult for him.

Original poster
SoaringEagle · 01/04/2020 14:11

He has already moved into the spare room. His choice (although I would have insisted) I presume so he can talk to her all night.

I haven't been cooking for him but then he's sulky and tells the children I am pathetic.

It's just so awful.

OP posts:
Musti · 01/04/2020 14:26

My God, I'd physically want to hurt the bastard. Don't do anything for him at all and do tell all your relatives what the bastard has been up to.

Musti · 01/04/2020 14:26

And his family and friends too. One thing is falling out of love but to treat you like this is vile

I0NA · 01/04/2020 14:32

You phone a solicitor and get advice about a divorce. They are still working from home.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 14:34

So he is risking the health of his own dc for a shag with ow? I would suggest he packs his stuff and gets over there right now.
Or email his dps with details and ask if they have a spare room...

ravenmum · 01/04/2020 14:55

Are his parents around? If you told them, would they be able to shame him into doing something less crap?

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 14:56

They may be interested to know he is risking their dgc!!

ravenmum · 01/04/2020 14:58

Does he have any company premises he could use?
If you want to encourage him to leave, I would suggest a slightly different tactic if you are up to it. Instead of being in another room, letting him do his thing or being disturbed by his noise, go in the room with him and cramp his style. I found this somewhat effective (under different conditions obviously).

rebecca102 · 01/04/2020 14:59

What the fuck

Mum45678 · 01/04/2020 14:59

I feel for you, having been through similar when my kids were the same age. I kicked my STBXH out and although initially resistant, he relented.

Document everything he is doing. His behaviour is awful. Some very unmumsnetty hugs for you.

Divebar · 01/04/2020 15:03

Well done for not plunging a knife in his chest while he slept.

purpleboy · 01/04/2020 16:01

God poor you. What a vile piece of shit. I don't think I could put up with him op. Do whatever you need to do to keep your own sanity in check.

Original poster
SoaringEagle · 01/04/2020 17:57

@ravenmum I hadn't thought of that. I suspect he could sleep at his office. It's a serviced office but there have been overnight projects and it's definitely open 24h still.

It has been helpful to see shocked reactions. His attitude is that I am being entirely unreasonable. This is life and I'm being irrational and stupid. He thinks staying at home currently is a stupid policy (his sense of personal entitlement is huge) so this just becomes an extension of how I'm stupid in following the guidelines / law.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/04/2020 07:56

The behaviour you're describing follows the Script pretty well.

Did you know the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"? One thing Carnegie suggests to make people like you is to ask them for favours. When they help you out, their opinion of you rises. This is because their brain is trying to make sense of their good deed, and decides that if they are willing to lend you a load of money, then it must be because you are a great person. Their brain doesn't want to consider the alternative - that they have been duped into lendiing you money - because it wants to preserve their image of themselves as sensible, rational, clever.

In the same way, when someone is being nasty to you, they have to come up with a subconscious justification. Their brain doesn't like the explanation that they themselves are a nasty little turd. Their brain much prefers the explanation that the person they are treating so badly is unreasonable, unfair and stupid, has always treated them badly, and probably tricked them into ever marrying them. This is all subconscious; they can be very convinced of it themselves.

When he acts like you're being unreasonable, you (being a reasonable person) start thinking about whether you are being reasonable or not. This muddies the waters and distracts you from what he's doing, which is great for him.

When he makes out that you are "mad" or anything along those lines, you may automatically want to prove that you are not mad by being as calm and nice as you can. This is also great for him.

One alternative is to lean into the madness. When your husband is blatantly having an affair in your presence, you are allowed to turn into the mad bitch from hell from time to time. (Even my inlaws seemed to accept this as absolutely fair!) Keep your cool well enough not to do anything to your disadvantage. But accepting that this is life? No. He has to accept that this is life: when you have an open affair, you don't get to carry on as normal.

Original poster
SoaringEagle · 02/04/2020 10:45

Thank you @ravenmum - that's very helpful to hear. I'm just so shocked that anyone, let alone someone I married and had children with, could think this normal and totally acceptable.

OP posts:
I0NA · 02/04/2020 10:55

If you read the script you will see how they manage to convince themselves that it’s completely acceptable .

nowayhose · 02/04/2020 13:30

Holy crap ! That's a bloody awful situation to be in ! Have one of these Brew with a piece of Cake and have a think...............

I totally agree with all the posters saying do zero, zilch, de nada for him or for his benefit ! No food, no shopping, no washing or ironing, do zero for him !

At 7 and 4 your poor kids aren't going to understand much of what's happening, but they will sense the atmosphere for sure. And the way he's actually USING them to make you look bad ? Bloody shoddy and reprehensible behaviour Angry how DARE he use them as pawns in his bloody drama Angry

So you need to get him OUT, asap.

You need to be shouting from the rooftops exactly what your prick of a husband is doing !

Tell EVERYONE, all his family, all your family, all your friends.........the local shopkeeper.............everyone !

When they react with Shock,and Angry,THEN his little bubble will bloody well burst when all his friends and relations know what an utter PRICK he is and how he's treating you and your DC !

Once everyone knows, he will no longer be able to say that it's YOU that's being unreasonable, as I'm quite sure EVERYONE will be saying what a prick HE is ! (so no more gaslighting)

Does he go to work still ? Can you change the locks when he's out ? or ask a relative to do it for you ? You really need him to get out because it's totally toxic what he's putting you all through, and definitely NOT normal. You and your DC do not deserve to be treated like shit just so he can carry on screwing another woman !! Angry
Who the AF does he think he is ??

JustCantShakeIt · 02/04/2020 17:39

Christ! Totally agree with PP. Lock the fucker out. He’d have to go to court to get back in again and no courts will look at a civil case for months now.

Apply for benefits. I know it’ll take time but you’re potentially going to have to if you can’t work and DC are off school until September. Do you have enough money for the next month? Mortgage holiday? Lots of people are in financial shit at the moment. Utility companies/banks are understanding.

Tell everyone. No matter what’s going on in other people’s lives, they’ll want to support you. This is no reflection on you, it’s his shame to carry.

This is psychological abuse of the worst kind. Get him out so you have space to breathe, grieve and heal.

Qgardens · 02/04/2020 17:46

I'd be shouting it from the roof tops too. And asking people to help persuade him that he needs to stay in his office.

Original poster
SoaringEagle · 02/04/2020 20:00

Thanks all. I earn too much for benefits. My earnings are quite good - it's just that we live in an expensive house (in an expensive area) based on our joint income.

I am entirely up in the need to live within my apparent new means but I can't see being able to sell the house quickly. Especially now! I was looking at part exchange deals in the early hours when I couldn't sleep and that might be an option. But he's going to make it all difficult I know.

I worry for the children if I shout it from the rooftops. Won't it be town gossip and they'll hear about it? If not now but in years to come. It doesn't feel that would be good for them.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/04/2020 09:11

I wouldn't go round slagging him off, certainly, but you can tell people he's "met someone else" or something along those lines and they will get the idea ... if people gossip, then they are gossips and would have gossiped about something. Affairs are pretty everyday tbh - though you sound perhaps relatively young for it? My dh had his at age 45 and I can tell you I didn't feel alone! Within a couple of years a friend and a neighbour had the same problem.

Talking to other people who do not have a super duper, lovely perfect marriage is a real help at that time. If you hide it, you'll be keeping up the facade that may well be holding other people you know back from talking about it now.

Qgardens · 03/04/2020 10:33

I agree that there is a difference between telling everyone and slagging him off. You can be factual and show your distress about it, without slagging him off as such. People will draw their own conclusion of him. That's not your fault if it's not favorable. He bought it upon himself.

As far as the kids go, as long as you are not negative about him when speaking about him generally, it won't matter if they know the reason he left you is because of an affair.

Booboooo · 03/04/2020 10:40

Tell your parents and in laws you neef support right now. Why should you keep his dirty secrets for him.

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