What to do - lost perspective

[SoaringEagle]

Everything here is shit.

DH announced last week that he wouldn't be staying indoors as he has been having an affair since Christmas so he would be going to meet her etc.

We have a 7yo and a 4yo.

Huge upset. We both run our own companies (both employed as directors so no regular govt financial help so far - just the £1000 grant) so huge stress as contracts being cancelled by clients every day.

DH doesn't want to do any childcare as "he doesn't enjoy it".

I presume the equivalent conversation the OW had with her husband went differently as suddenly my DH is saying he plans to stay in the house but says I am entirely unreasonable to say he must stop contact with her while in the house. He has made clear he is only in the house until he can leave once all this is over.

So he's talking to her on the phone all the time. Being a totally shit father. Being aggressive and angry all the time. I wake up in the night as he's on the phone to her.

I want him gone. It'll be hard but I can't cope with him having another relationship right in front of me - in our family home. It just makes me feel absolutely miserable. But I also cannot afford all the house expenses without some financial help from him. It's all a mess.

I can't talk to anyone in real life yet. Everyone's got their own worries and stresses.

Do you think I should just let him stay and suck up the horror? Concentrate on making sure my children get through this.

Sorry to resurrect my own thread. I suspect it's not the done thing.

But I'm struggling to know what to say to my 7 year old (in particular) but 4 year old too as to why their father has suddenly moved into his office.

He is currently sleeping at the office but coming to the house every day for a couple of hours - on the pretext of seeing the children and allowing me to do some work (but it's not working so even that might stop).

He won't be coming back to live.

What would you / did you tell your children if your DH had an affair and you chucked them out?

I'd be inclined to tell DC that DH and you have agreed that he should spend his time at the office and only come home infrequently due to the covid virus and just take each day as it comes. Please don't be tempted to point the finger even though you're understandably hurting right now.

Mine were older and had already guessed anyway.
I would personally not like to give the impression that the separation was temporary when it wasn't. I'd go down the route of reassuring them that although things were going to change, they would definitely still be seeing plenty of their dad (if that's the plan) and that you both love them a lot and it's got nothing to do with them that you don't want to live together any more, that's just what happens sometimes. I know that some people say "mummy and daddy don't love each other any more", but I think you have to be a bit careful to make it clear that not all love has an expiry date - don't want the child to be afraid that maybe daddy might stop loving them too. Personally I'd leave out the love part and just say "mummy and daddy don't want to live together any more" (don't know if it is any better, but...) If the OW can't be avoided, then "daddy has got a new girlfriend". No need to explain what an affair is or tell them to keep quiet about it or anything; they have no clue anyway.

Glad to hear that you've got something sorted out, btw. Stupid time for it to happen. Perhaps he could take the children out for an hour, or is that not allowed? (I'm not in UK.)

Please don’t lie to your children. Tell them that sometimes grown ups meet someone new they really want to to spend time with. Like when they make a new friend at school. So Daddy has made a new friend he wants to see now, and because the new friend lives in a different house Daddy is staying there for now. Impress on them that he is still their Daddy (barf) but that from now on they are going to see less of him. They will meet OW sooner or later in any case.

Well done for keeping your powder dry and good riddance to bad rubbish.

Well done in getting him out, but have you told anyone in your families or friends yet ?

This doesn't matter right now, but when the corona crisis passes, your DC will hear things from other sources.

I still think you MUST tell everyone what your H is doing/ has done and that the marriage is over so that you and your DC get the support you need and deserve.

As for what to tell your DC, I'd tell them small snippets only and on a par with their level of understanding.
Eg, DC - ''Why is Daddy not coming home tonight ?'' YOU - ''Mummy and Daddy don't want to live together anymore because we kept having rows. Daddy is going to live somewhere else so we don't row any more.''

Just keep it simple, and don't say you don't love each other anymore, just say that neither you or your DH want to keep fighting/ arguing etc because then no-one is happy, and you both want a happier life.

The kids will pick up from other sources what he's done, and come to their own conclusions in time.

Be prepared for your H to tell them nasty things such as ''I want to come home, but your Mummy won't let me''. Just answer these truthfully and simply eg. ''Mummy and Daddy can't always agree on things, just like you and your brother/ sister don't always agree.............but we both love you just the same and that will never change''

The DC will usually blame YOU for a while, but it will change to blaming your H later.

There will probably also be a time in the future when you may need to actually defend your H when the DC realise that it was HIS affair that broke up the family.

It's important that YOU never say it's his fault, just try some escape phrases like '' I know you're angry at your Dad, but he's still your Dad and he loves you. He's maybe just not as good at being a Dad/ husband as others..................just like you may be not as good at making friends/ playing football as someone else................it doesn't mean that you're a bad person just because you're not great at something''

As they grow and their understanding matures, YOU will be the constant loving parent who has never said a bad word about their Dad. What they think of HIM will be in his own hands.

I wish strength and happiness for you and you DC, because you all deserve it x

I saw someone on a previous thread who told their child that Daddy has a new girlfriend and you are not allowed to have a girlfriend when you are married. Simple, factual, honest.

• ''Mummy and Daddy don't want to live together anymore because we kept having rows. Daddy is going to live somewhere else so we don't row any more.'' I would not say that. No "because" is necessary after "don't want to live together any more". The children could become be terrified that if you shout at them, it's a row and you might leave like daddy did.

What @thethoughtfox said is really good.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Thanks. This is all very helpful as I can't think straight really.

I am leaning towards "Daddy doesn't want to live with Mama" or the Daddy has a new girlfriend line. Probably the latter as we live in a small gossipy town and it's bound to be the local gossip soon.

I haven't told my parents - the worry would kill them (and I'm not exaggerating). They are elderly and cannot travel even in normal times. His family won't know either - no way will he tell them. I will start telling friends when I can face it.

I told my ex's family before I did mine! They phoned and asked why he was late visiting them, and I said it was probably because I'd just found out about his mistress. Shame that yours are too frail. No siblings, cousins or anything?
I like thethoughtfox's suggestion, too.

Sorry you are going through this.

It's not easy telling your kids as you know it's more then likely to break their hearts and be a moment they will most likely remember forever (although your youngest might not).

My exH had an affair and I found out and told him to leave that day. I told him he was coming round the following day and we were BOTH going to talk to the children together. They were 10 and 12 at the time so a bit older than yours.

We didn't have a lot of time to think about what we'd say but basically it went along the lines of "Mummy and Daddy aren't making each other happy any more and have decided to live apart. We both love you more than anything in the world and you'll still see us both lots..."

Part of me wanted to tell them the real reason and it killed me to take half the 'blame' but I felt that was best for our kids. I told my ex though that if they ever ask about the real reason then I won't lie to them. The kids didn't really understand because Ex and I never argued and we had a great time together as a family. He just had his head turned by a younger model and lost everything for her (surprisingly they are no longer together).

Good luck, I hope it goes as well as is possible x

saw someone on a previous thread who told their child that Daddy has a new girlfriend and you are not allowed to have a girlfriend when you are married. Simple, factual, honest

This, I think is a good response, it's factual and you're not slagging him off. I'd steer away from saying things like 'mummy and daddy don't love each other' as that's not true.

Start telling your friends too, you need their support especially during this time

That’s why we said we weren’t making each other happy any more. I obviously wasn’t making him happy for him to have an affair and his affair certainly wasn’t making me happy. I think my kids would have been too old for the ‘not being allowed a gf when you’re married’ thing but it probably works better with younger ones.

And yes, my friends saved me during that time. We all live apart from each other these days but they were always there...if not in person on the end of the phone.

No just no !! You poor thing ! You have to get rid of him will he not be due to pay some maintenance and get some help from universal credit towards rent etc? You cannot live like this it will do you in xxx

@watermelonpink1 Yes he'll pay some maintenance although he's had a (big) head start on me on planning this so seems to know all about. how little he thinks he needs to pay.

I earn too much for benefits. I'll muddle along on savings but the house will need to be sold as I can't afford it forever. And it feels like it's going to be a nightmare to sell up this year.