Who should go to MIL's funeral?

[Pebbles574]

MIL died recently (not Covid19 related)

Funeral is restricted to 6 people. We are going to have a bigger celebration of her life later in the year.

4 direct relatives are clearly going:
FIL
DH
DH's sister 1
DH's sister 2

Options for the remaining 2 spaces:
Me
Grandchild 1 (our DC1)
Grandchild 2 (our DC2)
Sister 1's DH
Grandchild 3 (their DC)

Sister 1 lives in same town and saw MIL regularly (as did her DH/ DC)

We live a couple of hours away.

Any thoughts? For the record, I am extremely relaxed (not offended if not me etc.) They are quite a close family.

I would stay back and let her DH go if they saw her more regularly

I would stick to the 4 you list, have a memorial later

How old are the grandchildren?

Who was MIL closest too?

Who out of the family will he most upset not to be at the funeral?

*to not too

Sorry for your loss but even though it's maximum 6 mourners I would just leave it as the 4 direct relatives you mentioned. Either that or sister 1's DH and their child.

Sister 1's DH and their DC even if just because you will end up with childcare issues if all the adults go

Fil
Dh
Dsil1
Dsil2

That way no one can be upset or offended. Just because they allow 6 doesn’t mean 6 have to go

Sorry for your loss 💐

I would say you if you think your dh would like support and sil. I guess it depends whether your dc's need looking after though?

I'm mean sil's dh

Sorry, forgot to say, all DC are young adults 16+ (so no childcare)

Our DC1 has already said they don't feel the need to go i.e. leave them out of the mix

SIL would take her DC as first choice (close to Granny) then her DH second.

As you won't need childcare, I'd be inclined to go with all the adults and none of the grandchildren for this bit. They can play their role in whatever you organise when all this is over.

I agree that only the 4 should go.

If your kids dont want to go and you say you are not bithered then leaveit at the 4, or let fil decide. Maybe btheres a close family friend or other more distant relative he would like to ask?

I think you and SIL's DH should go. Then you can support your spouses.

If the grandkids go there is the possibility that the three children of your MIL will end up supporting their own children rather than being able to concentrate on saying goodbye to their mother.

All the adults and no DC because as a young teen at a funeral it’s shit seeing your older relatives upset. That upset me more than the reason I was at the funeral IYSWIM.

Either leave it as the four, or you and SILs husband go too, childcare permitting. Have a memorial later. Rubbish situation all round.

Would SIL 1 need support at her mother’s funeral? I’d give her DH a slot. And what about your DH does he want/need you there? Talk to them. It might be fine just the four of them. Sorry for your loss

Thing is, if we assume the 2 spare spaces have already been allocated across the two families with grandchildren, DSIL has already said she would take their DC, so it would be

Fil
DH
Dsil1
Dsil1's child
Dsil2
+1 space

I guess the real choice comes down then between:

1. Me (primarily to support DH)
2. Dsil's DH (so their whole family goes - they are local and were close to MIL) 3)Our DC2 (who is quite family-oriented and sad about her loss)

My gut instinct is 2) but I think DH kind of expects me to be there and might be offended if I don't go?
Tricky.

why don't you talk to your DH and suggest your dc2 goes instead of you?

I would ask DH what he wants. And then take it from there.

Personally, I would leave the DC out of it and have a private celebration of her life with the DC later.

I think you and SIL’s husband should go.

I assume MiL has no siblings?

Just the adults.

Only the 4